I’d like to apologize in advance for what I feel will be a lengthy post. I’ll try to make it as brief as possible.
I’ve never posted in any “group” page that I’ve joined especially looking for advice. In fact, I’ve never been one to ask anyone for anything. I’ve always been the type to help others, but when it comes to me, I simply try to stay strong and figure things out on my own. Right now, however, I have come to the realization that there may be times in which seeking assistance from outside of myself may be necessary. This is one of those times. The fact that I stumbled upon this page a few weeks ago and seem to be drawn to it and uplifted in reading the many posts literally every single day….well, this may be one of the reasons. To reach out to all of you!
I’ve always been very spiritual person! Not religious, but had my own personal kind of relationship with God along with my one Guardian Angel, believed to be my grandmother for many reasons. Yet, Since about 1990, I have endured countless struggles, despite my trying so very hard. My divorce in 2003 lead me to even more frequent hardships. Believe me when I say, since that year, there truly has not been one straight positive year for me. Not one! I always stood back up, though. That’s what I do! I lost my faith and any connection to spirituality back in 2013 after yet another unexpected and undeserved hardship. I asked over and over, would scream and beg for answers as to why I can’t seem to get ahead? Why do I continue to encounter these misfortunes? What am I doing wrong? I am truly a loving caring person who never judges, has never hurt a soul. Why? I felt guilty of what I couldn’t do for my children, felt like less of a person, low. It was rough, but I am still here. While the answers to my questions weren’t answered directly, I had some enlightenment summer of last year amidst yet another bad relationship and living situation. It wasn’t unbearable, I was just very uncomfortable living where I was. However, in August, I was thrust onto a new path spiritually. In a mere 8 hours, I unexpectedly lost my job, a place to live and my relationship. 8 hours! Absolutely unexpected. The night before, I had a bad dream. After all that occurred that day and in light of what the dream entailed, I am beyond certain the dream was truly a warning to brace myself. I just wasn’t aware of that message so I wasn’t prepared. Nevertheless, I found myself drawn, per se, to learning all I could on so many things. I studied whole heartedly, Law of Attraction, Wiccan, Paganism, Spiritual Awakening, Shamanism, Buddhist…and many others. All of which I had some encounter with in minute ways throughout my years. I can look back at my life and even more so since August and see the many signs that have lead me to where I am spiritually at this moment. I’ve seen things, dreamt things, and encountered so very many things that absolutely cannot be explained on any scientific or psychological level! And..I do NOT believe in coincidence. I just had never opened my soul up to seeing the connections until the last 9 months.
Now, here I sit…I have learned so very much from each and everything I’ve read. I’ve maintained what feels “natural” to me and simply released that which doesn’t. I have discovered different techniques of meditation that works for me. I have since realized just how much “negative energy” I have been harboring my whole life in ways of always being worried, doubtful, fearful of the future. A very low self-esteem though my conscious mind didn’t see it that way until recently.
So, what is it that brought me here? While I’m truly understanding so much more about my own soul and I do know I’m growing spiritually, I still feel somewhat “stuck.” Since meditating I no longer suffer from panic attacks or any kind of anxiety. I was on anti-depressants for quite some time, but with financial issues preventing me from continuing medication, I have focused my mind on ridding myself of the depression as well. I have succeeded, for the most part in that I definitely have more uplifting days than days in which I feel utterly hopeless. However, those latter days? When they come, they bring with it so much pain. Bringing to the surface old feelings again. Feelings I have worked so hard to release. Just when I thought I was over my ‘ex’ his name, photos, songs that remind me of him and other things pop up randomly and without warrant. Since August, I have struggled to find and maintain a job but regardless of my dedication applying each and everyday, I still sit after nearly two months, jobless. Though one thing I have found is a kind of peace in such a low point in my life that I have never experienced during any other hardship. It’s almost as though deep down I feel everything will be alright. I’m no longer sick with worry. Some things have fallen into place in that my landlords are willing to be patient despite my inability to pay rent for the last two months, and my finance company for my car is also working with me. Having no job, I’ve been able to assist my son and daughter-in-law with my first grandchild who is dealing with some issues in his short 3 months of life. They in turn, help me with a little money here and there for gas. (They are young and just starting out, so they, too, lack financial security right now). So, I can see that all is not lost. However, these hard times tend to take a toll on me and my search for direction. When one day I feel a “connection” so to speak…a true inner peace, then the next I feel so “disconnected.” Though I know everything will work out, I still find I’m questioning “Why?”
It’s so hard to rid myself of these negative energies at the moment. I try to “let go” and just “surrender” but I still find myself confused and lost. I don’t have that “intuition” that so many speak of. My actual “intentions” don’t seem to actually manifest fully. It seems more often than not, I receive the exact opposite of what I think; what I would like to have happen in my life. All my life I’ve wanted to be a writer. Never acted on that desire, but have always felt it. After the loss of my last job in March, I opted to use that time to write. I even started my own blog site and wrote articles every single day. I believed that that may have been the reason to have lost my job. To have time to dip my hand in the waters of writing, during which time I had also continued to send out countless resume’s. Countless. Literally, not one single application I sent even received a simple “thank you but we found someone else” kind of response. Nothing! Needless to say, I have now lost the site I created due to my inability to pay. So, when I thought I had found something I was truly enjoying…something to help occupy my time….I lose it. I get to a point sometimes where I’m downright afraid of thinking at all. What does the universe want from me? Why must I go through this for so very long despite my most heartfelt strength. I read so much about others’ hardships and I always find myself empathizing with them and reminding myself that my situation is not all that bad. But to me, it is. I tell myself that the tears that I cry at times are just my soul clearing up the negative space for something better to take it’s place. I do believe that! I just want to finally feel something filling the void.
Again, I so apologize for the length of this post. I guess I’m just reaching out for assistance. I’m not in anyway at a “giving up” point. I do know “this too shall pass.” Truly. But I want to know that all I’m going through means something! I want to continue to feel those uplifting “in the clouds” feelings I have on my good days, but without struggles I’m in. I want to know there truly is a reason for all of this! I know that no one person can answer any of these questions for me. I know I have to find them within my own energy; my own spirit. I guess I’m just looking for guidance from others who have been enlightened with knowledge to assist me in finding some kind of clarity in all that is going on in my life. I’m confused and lost being on this rollercoaster of emotions, thoughts and feelings. I’m just hoping at this moment that I’m not cursed with some darkness that will hover over me for the rest of my life. I just can’t seem to complete engulf myself in any one true direction! 🙁