Dear Fenrir:

Our biology is built around the principle of keeping the sameness going (homeostasis), for example, keeping the same body temperature, the same blood glucose concentration… and the same base-feeling. So if you are used to feeling unhappy, the brain wants to continue the same.

It is sort of a mental habit, to feel unhappy, to worry, to feel anxious, to look for signs of danger instead of relaxing. The good news is you can change mental habits slowly, gradually.

Regarding your trouble believing “that someone so amazing could actually love me”- here is a point: there are men out there, who if they were in a relationship with your girlfriend, will not think she is amazing. I am sure she is amazing, but they wouldn’t SEE it.

The fact that you see that she is amazing and she knows that when you look at her, when you talk to her, you see and talk to someone amazing, my goodness, that must make her feel good. And so, this is something you already give her, that amazing feeling of being seen as amazing!

anita

Dear Fenrir:

You are welcome. How can you change your mental habits, particularly your habit of looking for signs of danger, for reasons to not be happy, correct?

If so, if anxiety is fueling the mental habit of obsessing, looking for signs of danger, being on the alert instead of relaxing into the warmth and love of this relationship, then effective calming techniques will be helpful, such as daily aerobic exercise, mindful exercise such as slow yoga, mindful practice otherwise and more.

In addition to calming yourself daily, there may be ways customized to you, that is, depending on the origin of your particular anxiety. If you would like, share about this origin: did you feel unsafe as a child (not necessarily physically unsafe as in being homeless but emotionally)?

anita

Dear Fenrir:

Although your fear about jinxing the relationship by sharing about it here, although your feeling of fear is real, in reality you are not doing that. In reality, our communication can help you and your relationship.

When you were bullied by your father, it was dangerous to be happy, wasn’t it? Because being happy meant you weren’t careful, and if you weren’t careful about what may trigger his bullying, then you’d be in trouble. So being happy was dangerous, was it?

anita

Dear Fenrir:

Your mental habit of looking for danger, and so, not being able to relax and be happy in a relationship was formed as a result of your experience with your father. For the child that you were, there was no other choice. Like any human and animal, we tend to danger first, as our first priority. And so, you did.

In search of that customized-to-you way or ways for you to change this mental habit, I ask: are you still in contact with your father? If so, when you are in his presence, in-person, or on the phone, do you often feel distress elevation as a result of the contact with him? How do you feel around him and what is the nature of the current relationship with him?

anita

Dear Fenrir:

You’ve done your best to be “very mellow and easy going and (not) let people get to you”- your brain/ body did its best to find peace in the ongoing distress of your growing up years.

Problem is, the distress he caused you, instilled in you, is in the way of making this relationship you have “mellow and easy going”-

It is possible that you feel like you Have-To live with your father, financially or otherwise, so you trained yourself to be as dissociated from him as possible, be as numb as possible to him. With your girlfriend, you have less practice in being numb.

And you probably shouldn’t be numb in relationship with her.

What do you think about this, here?

anita

Dear Fenrir:

You asked me in an earlier post: “Do you have any suggestions as to how i can change my mental habits?”

You can change the anxious mental habit by engaging only in safe relationships. There might be only ONE such safe relationship in your life- and that may be enough, as is more than many people have. This one safe relationship is with your girlfriend. That safety is what will make it possible to heal from that anxiety and the worrying and looking for evidence of looming danger. Talk with her about the importance of that safety. Talk with her about the importance of the following policy in regard to this relationship: ZERO aggression, no matter what.

Lots of people think it is impossible to have zero aggression in a relationship, but it is possible. Disagreements and conflicts can be resolved without aggression. Practicing EAR: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect when communicating makes it possible to practice zero aggression on both sides. Keep talking about this with her through disagreements and future conflicts so that you build the trust you need that indeed, it is safe for you, long term, to relax in relationship with her.

Abstaining from unsafe relationships (with other people) is most important in healing from the mental habit we are talking about. Relationships where you feel danger will encourage the mental habit that keeps you unhappy.

anita

Dear Fenrir:

It is a good idea to silence those demons, best you can, when you are with her, not only when you are alone. It is not a good idea to keep telling her in the future that she is too incredible for you, that you can’t believe that someone like her can love someone like you. And then wait for her to tell you that you are incredible, etc. This may very well get tiring for her.

If you feel the compulsion to state these feelings so to receive her reassurance, resist it. Remember what she already said instead of asking her to say it again.

Fenrir, she is not AS incredible as you think. I am sure she is incredible, but stop looking up to her. Aim at looking at her as an equal. You don’t feel it yet, but you are as amazing as she is. Keep being as supportive and loving to her as you are, but aim at not maintaining the I-am-unworthy-of-you message. If you agree with my reasoning here, you can share it with her.

anita