Wisp,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand how dark and uncomfortable things can become. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is always a path to joy and inner peace. Sometimes when we spend a lot of effort wearing a mask, we become exhausted, spent. Then the mask falls away and we are left feeling broken, alone, and unlovable. Consider it isn’t the running or the group meetings that will produce joy inside you, rather, it is coming to accept that you are lovable as is. Yes, you rise and fall from happiness to sorrow. Lovable, normal. You have good days and bad days. Lovable, normal. A few things came to heart as I read and reflected on your story.

First, consider that Buddha taught we have a fundemental ignorance on how to find balance and joy. We’re born with a few rudimentary instincts, such as suckling and grasping, but most of what we become is the result of our parents and teachers showing us what “life” means, and how to engage with it. Unfortunately, parents and teachers are also imperfect, and so often leave their children and students with reflections of their burdens and ignorance. In your case, it seems like you’ve been left with a tangle of shame. Said differently, it seems that somewhere in your past, you learned that your lovablility is conditional, such as “happy people are lovable” or “successful people are worthy of love” or “we have to act well to be worthy of connection with others, worthy of respect, worthy of love”.

Often, this arises from some kind of abuse such as an emotionally distant (or codependent) parent, sexual abuse, or being neglected. Consider a child, receiving this kind of lesson from their parents. For instance, a parent might hit a child, and the child thinks they caused it, and so begins to look for “how to act” that doesn’t produce the anger in their parent. Said differently, if a parents love appears conditional, such as being loved when we act good and being abused when we act bad, then it inspires a journey of trying to find out how to be lovable, perfect, worthy. This is garbage, because no matter how hard we try, we will always make mistakes. Its part of learning. So, its a losing game to try to be good enough to be lovable, which thankfully isn’t how love actually works.

What we can do is begin to see how other people’s actions are not about us, have nothing to do with us. For instance, being hit by a parent is because of their hangups, not because of our mistakes. People at work thinking you’re crazy is about them and their failure to be compassionate for a sister in pain, not about you. Your husbands drinking was between him and his addictions/esteem/issues, not about you. Resting in this view, seeing the difference, the insignificance of other people’s opinions, allows for us to become more authentic. Said differently, the solution isn’t to find more inner strength to hold the mask longer, its dropping the mask.

The reason its not only helpful to drop the mask, but also incredibly freeing, is that when we step forward with honesty and authenticity, we become joyous. Consider for a moment that you have the seeds of joy already inside your heart. We all do. The way the seeds work is they begin to sprout as inspirations for action. Perhaps you see someone crying, and the inspiration arises to reach out to them. However, the mind immediately compares that inspiration to “what fits the mask” or “what will other people think of me showing her affection” and clamps down, stops the desire from leading to the action. In this way, we get in the habit of turning away from our heartsong, our loving desires. With our partners, this can arise as a desire to be close with them, to squish up against them and feel the warmth (emotionally, mentally, physically), but the mind says “don’t want to appear clingy, needy”. On and on the mind turns aside and ignores the whispers of desire from the heart.

This leads to a feeling of shame (or disconnection), which is much like feeling thirsty after walking through a desert. If we are ashamed of our thirst, we might refuse a glass someone offers, because we don’t want them to know how thirsty we are… because perhaps then they won’t love or respect us. After all, how stupid must we be to have ignored our thirst for so long! Or, if they know how thirsty we are, then they might have power over us, and hold the glass of water hostage until we submit to their will!

The thing is, there was never a desert.. its a result of the mask, its not inherent. You’re actually standing in a river, ignoring the rushing water, and frantically looking for someone to help you with your thirst. Your heart calls to you, inspires you, wishes to pour delicious fluid into your view, but the mask prevents it. If you can accept that your love is the river, then it can become much more simple. For instance, you felt stress and decided to stop going to work. Good, yes, makes sense, nearing breakdown, needing time and space and unwinding. Nothing odd or unusual in that choice. So. Did you relax? Did you self nurture? Or did you start beating yourself up within the first few seconds? Have you had any rest? Has your mind just been running and running? Is it that confusing then that you’re still tired? Still low?

With all that being said, perhaps the solution, dear sister, is to become more self nurturing. As we listen to the desires of the heart and body, the deeper yearnings in our gut and chest, we are far more nourishing to ourselves. Its OK that you get upset, confused, depressed. That is normal, usual and expected. But its also not something that is permanent, or unworkable. Said differently, when the sun shines, we go out and plant and tend and garden. When the moon rises, we snuggle down under some warm blankets and find rest, recharge our intuition, release, and breathe. For instance, we may take a bath with candles, listen to some soft music, or go sit in nature. We allow the past and the future to melt away, to become set down, and sit and breathe in the moment. As the mind races, say “yes, racing mind” and feel the body, the breath, the water on your skin, the grass on your feet, the sounds in your ears. Then maybe a breath or two of quiet mind arises, and then it remembers what your boss said to you and begins to race again. “Yes, racing mind, boss and job are important for sure, but not here, not now, now is for me, for the calmness and joy” and reattune to your breath, the music, the warm water, or whatever. This is much like drinking in the water of the river, which allows you to drink directly and become settled. Then, you won’t be thristy when someone offers you some less nourishing drink, such as conditional love, judgments, or shame. Said differently, if you get into a habit of better self nurturing, then other people thinking you’re crazy, brilliant, stupid, kind, ugly or beautiful won’t matter, because you wont be thirsty enough to drink their opinion. You’ll already know.

Namaste, dear sister, may your light reveal the path before you with gentleness and grace.

With warmth,
Matt