Dear Wen:

You shared that you will be 22 this year and your boyfriend of six months, who will be 31 this year, broke up with you over the phone right before NYE, after spending a holiday trip with you.

You have “awesome memories” of being together with him during the trip, but you also have not so awesome memories of having “small fights” with him when the two of you lived together for a short time during lockdown, and during the holiday trip. There is one event that you do not remember: “during the last night of the trip..  I shouted at him in front of his mates and everyone in the bar”. You don’t remember that event because you were drunk.

“The reason he told me is that he’s in his 31 this year and can’t project the future with me because we have different personalities, mindsets, cultures, interests and so on… He said he saw I made few changes on my behaviour but it’s not ideal for him. What does this mean?… Do you think he will change his mind again?.. any advice on how to deal with?”

I don’t have the answers, but what I do understand about breakups in general is that when a person breaks up with another, he/ she often says things they don’t mean just so to not make the other person angry, and to make the break up easier and smoother. For example, he told you that the relationship is not ideal– he may have meant (and I don’t know what he meant) that the relationship was really bad, but he softened the wording from really-bad to not-ideal.

Also, the person initiating the breakup often uses vague, less direct/ confrontational language. For example, he told you that he was breaking up with you because the two of you have different “personalities, mindsets, cultures, interests, and so on”,  when he may have meant that he was breaking up with you because you shouted at him in front of everyone the other night.

Regarding advice: in the future, with him or with another man: avoid big fights and small fights. Because of the fights you had with him living together and during the trip, it was easier for you to shout at him when drunk: the drunk shouting was an escalation of the sober fights beforehand.

Better practice and get used to a no-fighting policy in relationships. Replace fighting with assertive and respectful communication. Focus on learning all you can learn from this experience. When you feel badly- take a long walk outside, or exercise otherwise, or listen to nice music, etc. And post here again, if it helps you to feel better, and I will reply to you again. I hope other members reply to you as well.

anita