Hi ShesaRainbow

I’m on the other side of this at the moment. I feel like I have been abused by my ex really badly (physically, financially, emotionally etc) and she claims I abused her also. I feel like she never takes responsibility for problems and she would not attend counselling, when I was ready to, without a problem. I have no problem with anyone hearing about our relationship and telling me if I was wrong, or if I potentially abused situations. I want to learn and grow as a person.

I am feeling tremendous guilt also. Friends & family say not to, that I am finally free. I completely understand where you are coming from. I’m trying to work through this guilt in counselling but it is very difficult. Part of me has a vision for how I want my future to look, a nice down to earth lady with less emphasis on looks and more on personality. But even thinking like that wracks me with guilt when I think of my ex probably struggling financially, emotionally and even though she physically assaulted me and her daughter a number of times over a long period of time, I still feel that guilt.

Guilt can be very difficult. Like Anita said, I am trying to discover if that guilt was in me before I met my ex. I just do not know. But I am going to persevere. I need to know. I’m glad you posted this message as it helps me see others have the exact same problem, even after splitting from someone whom they believe is abusive and can do no wrong.

Sean.

Dear ShesaRainbow:

I recently gained more insight into what you are experiencing as it happened in my life, and I would like to try to explain it to another for the first time:

When your parents fought and you were the child in that home, you didn’t have an identity yet, a “me”- as a young child there is no “me” only a “we”- a unit of identity, a fusion of identity: you, and your parents, maybe you and primarily the parent with whom you were closer. And so, when your parent was hurt, there was no distinction: it is my parent that is hurting, not me. It was: I am hurting. And when your parent caused a fight, there was no distinction as in: it is not me that caused the fight. It was: I caused the fight.

So it was: I am hurting. I caused the fight. And it follows: I need to fix it.

So this lacking of identity, natural for a child, an identity not formed yet, yet to be formed through what is appropriately called the Formative Years, continues into adulthood because it was not adequately formed in childhood. It cannot be adequately formed in childhood without the belief then that you, as a child, are safe.

And so, you get together with a finger pointer man- a perfect match. You are inclined to take the blame for what you are not responsible for and he is inclined to accommodate you. Or it can be said the other way around: you are inclined to take the blame and he is more than willing to accommodate you.

This is what happened with me. My advice at this point is to stay away from people inclined to point the finger at another. This is a match made in hell. I would not interact with a person so inclined, not in the context of family, friend or a mate.

And then through psychotherapy, with a competent, caring therapist, you can get insight and over time complete that forming of a separate identity. Within the SAFETY (a must have requirement for this forming) of therapy, you become you, a separate identity and then your thinking will make sense, that is what you now know intellectually, rationally (that you are not responsible for your husband behavior), you will know emotionally (as in: my goodness, I REALLY am not responsible for his behavior!)

Please post here on your thread anytime and I will reply, any time you need feedback, input and/ or encouragement.

anita

I had a similar but different experience.

We were in counselling three years ago. She never asked me to not bring anything up, but when it was brought up, later that night she would mock what I said. For example, I made a point that expressing anger is not always bad, that it can be positive as long as it is not rage & violent. I commented on how I had read a sportman’s autobiography & he had said he would practice at being angry for certain situations. At home, she said to me ‘I can’t believe you compared our love life to that man’.

I saw the same therapist alone and she told me I should not be in a relationship with my (now ex) partner as in her words ‘that lady knows how to push every one of your buttons’. She was correct as in that relationship, I did things I would never have dreamed of doing before, felt anger & frustration like never before and simply felt I could never be myself as being me seemed to be so wrong in my ex’s eyes. And strangely, I feel tonnes of guilt for things that happened and I don’t know why.

Now, my husband would go to therapy, but I used to call it holding court for him. He was very charming, and would actually lie to the therapist. Thankfully, they eventually saw through it. We would be walking in to a joint session (after he’d previously been in one solo) and he’d stop me in the parking lot to say something like “don’t bring up xyz because I told the therapist that I fixed it”. Something he hadn’t done. If I protested, I was a bad wife because I wasn’t supportive of him, and was trying to embarrass him.