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Guilt of Breaking Up

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • January 3, 2016 at 1:03 pm #91209
    Erica
    Participant

    Hi,

    I was dating someone for a little over 2 months. I met him online and we ended up going for coffee. When I first met him he was very happy, funny and a great person…which he still is. He is a very caring and loving person who is genuinely nice. Few weeks after hanging out with him more he told me how he does not enjoy going out because he prefers staying at home. I’m the type of person who likes to do activities and explore new places (such as travelling) but he told me he does not enjoy travelling but he will do it for me. He said he will start going out for me..even though he does not personally enjoy it. My fear is that in the long run he will resent doing all these activities and doing things just for “me”. However he says that this is not the case and since he really cares for me and loves me he will never resent it.

    We had a lot of ups and down the past 2 months..he told me he has depression which comes in waves (and I think anxiety as well b/c he gets very anxious when he is around a lot of people, driving, etc.). He does not believe in therapy or seeking help for this. He does not have an official diagnosis but he believes it is probably depression..he said he will work on this. He is miserable at work and when I suggested he look for work he enjoys he loses it and gets worked up b/c he does not believe he has “skills”. I guess all of this added up and I started feeling worn down and tired. I finally told him 2 days ago I can’t do this anymore b/c I am very unsure of my feelings and where I stand in this. He really likes me and I thought I did too but I don’t think I do as much as him. I’m questioning my future with him. He is very upset now and he broke down crying. I feel so horrible. He believes I am not giving him a chance so I asked for him to give me space to think. I’ve been thinking and I’m still unsure. Part of me knows he will take great care of me and I might not find someone who will cherish me like he does (he told me this) and the other part does not want to settle. I don’t know what to do…I feel my emotions are all over the place. I’m getting older and I know I should think about settling down but I don’t know if I want to continue anything with him. I don’t know how to tell him how I feel…especially b/c I’m scared this will make him more depressed…he is so broken right now b/c of me and I feel horrible 🙁 He told me everything good always is taken away from him and he does not want it to happen to us..he doesn’t want to give up on me without a fight. Am I losing out on a good person?

    This is my first time writing in a forum and I’m not sure what I expect to gain from this but I thought I would try anyway…

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Erica.
    • This topic was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Erica.
    January 3, 2016 at 4:25 pm #91221
    k8tyB
    Participant

    Dear Erica,
    I am sorry to hear that you are going through this.
    All I can say is that YOU have to take care of YOU because noone else will. The guy that you are seeing seems incapable at the moment of even taking care of himself and that is not your job . Also after just over two months you seem so very unhappy, envision what it will be like in another two months or more down the line ? Do you want to keep feeling like you do ? What does ERICA want and What does ERICA deserve ? Will YOU be happy continuing the relationship ?

    January 3, 2016 at 6:24 pm #91231
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Erica:

    Doesn’t sound like a good choice for you. He does not want to attend psychotherapy for his depression and anxiety. He hates his job but does not believe he is capable of getting any other job. He feels uncomfortable in public, going out and traveling.

    And he loves you so, that feels good but notice, you already feel guilty, after only two months. He got a hold on you then, his hold on you is making you feel guilty and it is working.

    RUN!

    anita

    January 4, 2016 at 5:10 pm #91321
    Erica
    Participant

    Dear k8tyB and Anita,

    Thank you for your insight. I really needed to hear this.

    Much love,
    Erica

    January 4, 2016 at 6:50 pm #91325
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Erica. Anytime.
    anita

    January 4, 2016 at 6:53 pm #91326
    k8tyB
    Participant

    Dear Erica,
    You are very welcome. Take care of yourself
    much love
    k8tyB xx

    January 5, 2016 at 8:57 am #91376
    BlackFox
    Participant

    Hi Erica,

    This is my first time writing too, and although I’m not sure if this is any good for you, but I have been in a similar (but not the same) situation for about 16 months now.

    I love my girlfriend dearly and she is genuinely nice, kind and caring, but I am still unsure about marrying her and she is almost daily suffering from my indecision – there are compounding matters, but these are the facts.

    For what it’s worth I will say that if you don’t feel the same way about him as he feels about you, it is much better all around to not keep that locked away, and hope things will get better – the pain will just return harder and harder the more you try to avoid hurting him by sparing his feelings. A year may pass and you’ll ask yourself whether it makes any sense to stay when you feel drained.

    You will eventually feel like you’re just acting a part in the relationship and no matter how kind your intentions were at the start, this will breed resentment in both of you.

    The best thing you can do is avoid my mistake, and cause a small amount of hurt now, rather than stress and unhappiness later. I am going to have to figure out things myself, and I am ashamed to say my actions have contributed to things reaching such a pitch, that anything I do now will cause unnecessary pain and suffering, regardless of my choice.

    Please avoid my mistake, and whilst it may hurt right now, it will hurt worse later, and for longer.

    I hope this helps,
    BlackFox3

    January 5, 2016 at 5:30 pm #91452
    Erica
    Participant

    Dear BlackFox3,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it’s best for me to let it go but it is so hard knowing I am hurting the other person. But I know what the right choice is. I do not want me or him resenting the decisions I make b/c of my feelings of guilt.

    I hope you take the advice you have given me and apply it to yourself as well. I know 16 months might seem like a long time and the pain will be intense but like you said …the longer you wait the stronger the feelings of hurt will be. Have you considered taking sometime apart from your girlfriend to figure out your feelings? It might help you make your decision of whether you want a future with her or not.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Erica

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 10 months ago by Erica.
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