Dear Ash:

Can you write down the part of the conversation with him that confused you, the beginning of the conversation about someone trying to hook him up with another woman-

– in the form of he said/ she said, like in a play or a movie script (paraphrasing, assuming you don’t remember the exact words said), and add in parentheses what you observed or heard, such as his facial expressions and tone/ pace of talk, ex.,  slurring his words?

anita

Dear Ash;

Reads like you are making a big deal  out of nothing: no one is accurate at all times. I used to demand such accuracy, comparing what a person said before with what he said later, and if the fit was not perfect, I was distressed, thinking the person was lying to me.

I learned that even I am not accurate. Our memories change over time, and if he was drinking, my goodness- thinking that fails to be perfectly accurate and consistent while sober, often is even less accurate and consistent when drinking.

To elaborate further: no one is 100% honest 100% of the time. Not even you. So the first time he told you the story.. he didn’t feel like thinking deeper into the story or he didn’t feel like telling you the whole truth.

When someone asks me: how are you? I am far from being 100% honest answering this question. I will not give a person a five minute answer with all that bothers me, including aches and pains. Usually, I will say “fine, thank you”, which means: I am still alive, thank you. Or it means: I don’t feel like telling you, nor do I owe you a confession of my state of mind and heart. (Nor do I think the person asking really wants a thorough detailed answer).

So, let’s say I answered: fine, thank you. And later the person who asked notices I am limping and says: what happened? And I say: I twisted my foot an hour ago and it hurts since. So the person says next: but I asked you half an hour ago how you are doing and you said fine! Why did you lie to me?

– and I may truthfully so: I didn’t think it was that bad at the time. I thought the pain will go away soon, so I told you I was fine.

Am I getting carried away with my answer to you or am I making some sense to you?

anita

Dear Ash;

Why is it tough to hear?

anita

Dear Ash:

Tell him then that you made a big deal out of nothing really. Tell him what you learned from the experience, tell him in a casual, factual way, not in an overly-sorry kind of way, as if you committed a crime. In other words, don’t make a big deal out of … your mistake. It wasn’t that terrible. After all, he makes mistakes too. Tell him that you made a mistake and what you learned from it, and he will be more comfortable to tell you when he makes mistakes and what he learned from his mistakes.

* In a previous thread you shared how your mother who is married for over 35 years kept making comments implying you are not good at relationships (and ignoring how well you are doing professionally and financially)- I don’t know her personally, but I don’t trust her to be a valid source or  resource to how you function well in a relationship- she is not doing well in her relationship with you, after all.

I say, you are or can be as good in the context of a relationship with a man as you are in other areas of life.

anita

You are welcome, Ash. Post again anytime you want to.

anita