Dear Anita and dear Bambi, I have read both of your messages carefully and given them consideration. Conclusion I have drawn from this is not heartwarming. Here is what I think. This seems to be an abusive relationship, where we are both being abused by each other.

I have done things, that haunt her to this day – some of which were definitely wrong (like lying) and are something I need to work on – and some other were lifestyle choices and personality traits that she could not accept (like requiring less “together time” or having one-night stands in my past). By being tormented by my both past and more recent actions, she is being abused by me and my behavior.

In an attempt to relieve pain and suffering, she creates long arguments, where she brings up both current and past issues and lashes out at me. By letting her anger be uncontrolled, she releases emotions bottling up inside of her. By spending big amounts of time together, she receives feeling of security and control. This is not unusual for people suffering from both anxiety and depression. But this behaviour is also abusive.

I am not saying that any of us is an abusive monster. All these seem to be behaviours that could be corrected over time (or removed when negative stimuli are removed too). Maybe we are just incompatible in terms of lifestyle choices (she stated more than once that would she know I have had one night stands, she would never date me, as this disgusts her, but now that she developed feelings for me, it’s not easy to just throw them away).

We also seem to be suffering from mutual Stockholm Syndrome, although I am not sure on this. It seems obvious that she is unable to leave me, feeling some sort of emotional bonding. She is also feeling helpless (perhaps feeling developed from her attempts to correct my negative behavior, which all failed) and thus is unable to move on with her life. Maybe she feels helpless in all spheres of her life because of that and this impacts strongly her self-esteem? And so she is using me as a crutch, and desperatedly attempts to hold me by her side with threats, guilt trips and reasoning (saying that I owe her that). She feels that without me, she would have nothing and nowhere to go.

Myself, I am sticking around and am unable to leave her, but I am unsure as to why. I feel guilty for what I have done to her, an this is one of causes. Her reasoning seems not faulty either – least I could do is to help her get back on feet. Although being free of this toxic relationship is something I currently long for, I am unable to push for. Not only because of reasons mentioned above, but also because I don’t want to. I feel bonded to her and leaving her would hurt me. And I know I would hurt her, which is something I don’t want to.

Truth be told, it was me who tried to break up first. Half a year into our relationship, I felt overwhelmed with her presence. She wanted to spend together much more time than I would, and would constantly get upset if I refused. She got upset when I wanted to meet at later time. She got upset when I stated upfront that we would see each other for shorter time. She got upset when during our meeting I stated that I’m going to sleep early and we need to split up for the day. And I was never able to bring myself to tell her “hey, we’re having amazing time, but I’d like to spend this evening on my own you know”. I knew she would be really upset about this. But as I have told her I want to end things, she started having a panic/anxiety attack. She got lightheaded, started having difficulty breathing, and when she could breath, she would hyperventilate. She was unable to stand up (we were on a grass field) and would immediately fall down. Terrified, I tried to calm her down and found myself unable to leave her. And we decided to stay together. Maybe I should have broken up with her back then and that would have spared us all trouble.

Where we are at now, is an unpleasant place. She is lashing out at me for things I did, and I don’t find any comfort in her presence anymore – I am always on alert, trying to avoid triggering her anger. Maybe this blocks my emotionality, because she always says I am unable to show any positive feelings. But I am often afraid when spending time with her.

We are both unable to make a move in any direction. And I don’t know what to do. As you say, any of us can not heal in this relationship and perhaps ending it would be best or even only choice. But I cannot bring myself to do it, and whenever she tells me to “piss off” because of some reasons – I find myself apologizing or defending my point. Maybe because I know that when she tells me to bugger off, two days later she will message me again, saying things like “so this is you changing yourself like you promised?” or “you don’t know how bad I feel because of you and you probably don’t care, but know that I haven’t eaten for two days and all I do is cry”.

I am so lost and scared.