Anita –
The Deacon told me to come in Thursday to meet with him & he will go over all the results with me. So I am assuming that he will share this all with me. After all, that was the purpose of this “test” to begin with. For us to learn more about each other & discuss the difficult topics with each other. So I am sure he will share my fiancé’s answers with me. I do believe that the whole “Daisy” situation def. effected us in a negative way. There is no doubt in my mind that he was hopeful that we could all get along & there would be no problems connecting his old way of life (her) & his new (me). He did always say to me that he just wants us all to get along. But not everyone has to love everyone. Not everyone sees things the same way. As I expressed to him, I would respect his friendship with her & I would NEVER tell him who he can & cannot be friends with. That is un-expectable & controlling in my mind. Neither him nor I have would ever want to “Control” each other. I will say this though… during the duration of the wedding preparations, he always wanted to be there. Meet with the vendors, be part of the setting up & planning. His mother is the same way… I know that she felt that this wedding was very expensive, in her opinion. I remember at Thanksgiving, sitting with his Aunts & cousins with him talking about the cost of the wedding & they all felt we were insane for spending that kind of money. When we left, he was upset that everyone was voicing their opinions & he said that it was none of their business & he didn’t want to discuss it any more with anyone other than the two of us. That what it cost & what we wanted was OUR business not anyone else’s. I wonder if that got to him as well… Because he is a “people pleaser”, he was doing what his family/friends are telling him oppose to what he really feels.

I come from a big Italian family. We are a very warm & caring family. When we do things, we do them big. I know he had said to me that when he came with me to my cousins wedding in the beginning of May, that made him realize even more that he wanted to marry me & wanted to give me the wedding of my dreams. Do you think that in his mind, he wanted to give me the “Perfect Day” & once the ball was rolling he didn’t know how to get stop it. This could have caused him resentment towards me & our relationship? But because he did not express this to me at the time, there was no way for me to know this & be able to rectify it with him?

You are right, no relationship is ever perfect. And no one should ever have to walk on eggshells to avoid confrontation of hurting your significant other. But that is part of the growth of your relationship, correct? Accepting each others, flaws & all? I can accept that his job is extremely important to him & that it makes him feel good about himself & successful. I want nothing but him to feel good & proud of himself. That is important to me. I can see where his line of thinking would be “All has to be perfect or it is nothing”. How do I get him to realize that it is ok to be less than perfect. No one is & that is ok. We have each other to help us when things feel this way. We can rely on each other for strength when one of us is stronger than the other or when hope seems to be lacking for one us. How can I stress this point to him. Maybe he doesn’t see it this way or cannot let himself think this way. I love him with all my heart. I am willing to endure the struggles & take them on however, I need to know that he wants the same thing & is just as willing to take these things on as I am… that is my fear. That in his distress right now, he cannot see this. He cannot see past the end of his work day… how can I make him look to the future & know that things may be rough right now but not every storm lasts forever, for lack of better words.

As far as email communication, I am concerned that he might misconstrue some of the content. I always thought face to face communication is best. I know that he always preferred to speak with me on the phone oppose to text messages. What is your feelings on that?

I would appreciate all the help I can get with this. I am def going to wait to hear what the Deacon has to say tomorrow before I contact him. I was fighting with myself last night. I wanted to text him “I Love You & I Miss You” but I didn’t. I kept it together.

It is not an easy road. Believe me, there are plenty of times that I know I am not thinking clearly & want to do rash things, but then I think about what just occurred & realize, this is not just me that is hurting. It is my fiancé as well. There are two of us here in this situation. I cannot only think of myself, although, I am aware, in order to make healthy decisions, I need to be that way myself.

Of course it doesn’t help me either when all my friends around me are telling me that I need to be pissed at him. I have to get it through my head that HE LEFT ME! HE CHOSE TO WALK AWAY! HE SAID HE DOESN’T WANT THIS ANYMORE! THAT HIS FEELINGS HAVE CHANGED & HE WAS TRYING TO MAKE HIMSELF BELIEVE HE STILL LOVES ME… not the easiest words to hear. I know what was said. I was there. I heard & read everything he said. I play it over & over again in my mind. It’s a continuous loop that will not stop.

One of my best friends is amazing though with me. he has given me some insight from a “Man’s Point of View” (mind you he lives out of state & has never met mi fiancé). he explained to me that for many men, happiness is built on how successful you are & with my fiancé, he takes pride in his job & how well he does it. He said right now, he feels like he drowning. Everything for him is happening all at once & falling down around him. He said that it can be an overwhelming feeling. And some people cannot handle the pressure & basically implode. And with someone with like my fiancé, who holds everything in to begin with & does not want to hurt anyone & keep everyone happy, when things get rough & he feels out of control, he will run. He said he need to learn coping skills with this. he actually suggested in a couple of weeks or so, when I am more strong & put back together, I should write him a letter. Simply state to him that I love him & am still in love with him. Explain to him that I understand all the pressure & stress that he is under at this time & to let him know that the door is always open for him to communicate with me. he said to make sure I reiterate in this letter that I KNOW, at this time we are not together as a couple but, know that I will always be here for him because above all, I love him as a person. He said to add in there that if he ever wants to talk or if his feelings ever change, I will be here…maybe not in the capacity that I once was, because I know that I need to move on, but none the less I am always here.

what is your opinion on that?

I am just so afraid that I will lose him… and YES, I do know that it is a real possibility. I am not that naïve in my thinking. Especially when all my friends around me are so negative. My therapist told me that people project their own insight on a specific situation because of their own personal experiences. In other words, if someone has had only negative experiences with relationships or a failed marriage, they will tend to think more on that side of things.

I can say this… my last relationship was an extremely, abusive (physically & mentally) unhealthy one. My ex stripped everything away from me including my own identity. It took me three years to rebuild myself back to where I once was, obviously with many more scars. As I have said earlier in my post, it took me a long time to open up to my fiancé. I was waiting for the “Other shoe to drop” because he was too good to be true in my eyes. I guess in my mind I built him up to be this almost “Superhero”. But I know he is only human. And all humans are flawed. We all have strengths & weaknesses. And I know that life is not all sunshine & roses either. We all have our ups & our downs. I just never have felt so strongly in a relationship with someone. It was like we balanced each other out. When I was negative, he brought me up. When he was having a bad day, I made him feel better. The fact that there were no signs that he was stressing out over OUR relationship or the wedding just took me by complete & utter surprise. YES, I know he was far more stressed than usual with work. And I know he has said more than once to me that he used to love going to work. He felt accomplished but now, every morning he dreaded going in. He did tell me when he broke it off with me that this job was suppose to be such a good thing but it has turned out to be a curse.

I now have in my mind, if everything was stressing him out so much, maybe it was me? Maybe it was our relationship… Maybe it was forced. But to go through all of everything that he did. To spend the money he did… take out a personal loan, could it all have been an “act”?? To show that we have the “Perfect Relationship”?

Oh God! That scares me & literally makes me sick to my stomach!

I understand all of that…completely. So in turn, I believe what you are telling me is that I have to base this situation on what is fact at the present time. In my case, fact is that he is no longer with me because he chose not to be. If he wanted this relationship & wanted it to work out then that is what he would be doing at the present time. The mere fact that he has not tried to communicate with me, the fact that he has called the vendors & cancelled, the fact that there is no communication, means that I need to face the “facts”, reality & understand the fact it is over. Am I translating this properly?