Dear heartinheart,
It’s so sad reading the story of your life spiraling out of control. Especially since you remember yourself as a strong, independent individual. So you know that you can get back to that person – the person who you really are.

Is it possible that you’re hanging out with the wrong set of friends? Would it be possible to change your friends? Changing your friendships may be a step in the right direction for you, if being alone is causing depression.

There’s a Socrates quote I love – “The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” Can you start letting go of your old story, and start looking toward who you want to become? Rather than repeating the story of who you were, can you start picturing who you’d like to be?

Once you can see yourself in your mind’s vision of who you can be – keep that vision as your goal, and take steps toward that vision each day. You can do it – even small steps every day in the right direction will push you into a forward momentum sooner than you might think. The hardest thing is to get started – so don’t overthink it – just get started!

Dear heartinheart:

I am thinking that the answer to your question how can you be yourself may be in the first paragraph in your post:

“Ive been very introverted my whole life, and I really enjoyed this..When I was younger I felt alone sure, but always had myself to lean upon and I became strong within myself. I had alot of fun with any people, or friends and was very open and loving, I learned alot of things on my own and never turned my back on myself.”

Anything I ask here is about this first paragraph:
What was it like being “very introverted?” What did it feel like and what did it look like?
What did “felt alone” meant then? What did it feel like, what were the reasons you felt alone? WHO was not there for you?
How did you lean upon yourself? Hoe were you strong within yourself? What thoughts at that time made you strong within yourself? What did being strong within yourself look like then? What was your relationships with your parent/s then?

Why did you HAVE TO be strong within yourself? Whose strength were you not able to rely on?

And when you wrote that you never turned your back on yourself, what part of yourself did you sacrifice, turn your back on really?

anita

Dear Lost,

I think you have already answered half of the question – you knew yourself quite a bit while you were growing up and then life happened. Sometimes our anxieties and coping methods drop us in this pit we cant get out of. The habits become so deeply rooted that we dont see where we are and where we really want to be – there seems to be a long list of heart-felt shoulds from people around us, sometimes directly and often felt indirectly. People who have known us forever will indeed hold a certain perception of us but the truth is, we change. You have had depression, anxiety, bad break-up, poor choices, jail etc and of course, it will shape a part of you now. You feel sadder and wiser from within. The truth is, I used to wonder too when I got really unwell mentally about why couldnt i be the same girl i used to be? Why was i so afraid and conscious? Why did i feel so low so easily? Why didnt i have any motivation? That girl was someone i was a long time ago, when i was younger. Now i am an adult and things are different – I like that person and there will be traces of her still within me, but I am still evolving. One of the main causes of anxiety was shame – I hated myself for all those mistakes and didnt want people to see “that person” – so i hid away, put on a polite, pleasant mask in front of most – never talked about anything real. The truth is, that person hiding away wasnt me. It was my fears talking. Eventually, i started working on trying to participate more, being less in my head and taking chances – I started this process about 3 years back while I was in the midst of depression and suicidal tendencies. Frankly, it was too much that time and I would break down often, lose hope and then healing started in ways I couldnt imagine. Its never been hunky dory though. This isnt some movie where things get fixed in 10 minutes. Its life. We screw up and shit happens.

I made attempts to mingle more with new people, go to events, be more disciplined – I wont say I am entirely there but i have improved quite a bit. You need to re-examine yourself, ask yourself what you really want or atleast take a first step to gain some clarity. I often heard my closest friends say I have changed quite a bit – i wasnt this social or spontaneous before etc However, what does it matter? We all change, especially in our 20s. I have had my best friends go through such big changes – and it made me uncomfortable but that was my own insecurity and dissatisfaction talking because most of her changes were in a positive direction. I only questioned her when i felt she was harming herself.

Someday you will be in a place to forgive yourself but for now, understand that you have many years ahead of you. I have this poster in my room i wanted to share – It reminds me everyday…

”

All the best!

You are indeed full of surprises.

Regards,
Moon