How come people dont understand when they're wrong?

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This topic has 8 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 2 months ago by Matt.

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September 21, 2013 at 7:48 pm #42565

Secret
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I just got into a verbal fight with one of my friends. he said ” You don’t have friends because you always find a way to drive them out of your life.” The only reason i cut people out of my life is because they have treated me poorly, so how is that my fault? I dont want friends who treat me with disrespect, who are always putting me down, who are trying to use me, or take advantage of me.
Why would i want to be friends with people who play mind games, or are manipulative towards me. He said i’m not capable of having friends, how come he doesn’t understand that because he said something rude to me, that this is why we’re fighting? How come he doesn’t take seriously that when i call him for support and advice i dont need him to say that i dont put effort into my studies, when he has only studied with me once.
I’m confused, lost, and sad. I hate being this way. I don’t want to constantly have to deal with BS.

Thank god for Tiny Buddha.

September 22, 2013 at 12:07 am #42570
Vivek Jha
Participant
Hey.
I think you just have to calm down and think over it positively.You see people have a general tendency to project themselves as “never wrong always perfect” kind of guy. No one likes his mistakes to be pointed out.So if you know that the man in front of you is wrong it is likely that he’ll not understand that.Believe me or not everyone is like this.Let’s take an example:You get sad even when you commit a slight mistake.Why?Because you project yourself as the perfect guy while in reality you can’t be perfect.Everyone commits mistakes,a lot of them.

Now as far as your life is considered you don’t have to make a lot of friends if you don’t want to.I mean its no compulsion.But try develping loving kindness towards others it’ll help throw a lot of burden off your head.Start by loving yourself first and then try to spread it outwards.You see its no point hating someone just because he is rude to you.If people are manipulative,develop your intelligence and make efforts so that you don’t get manipulated.
- This reply was modified 11 years, 2 months ago by Vivek Jha.
- This reply was modified 11 years, 2 months ago by Vivek Jha.
September 22, 2013 at 7:15 am #42579

Matt
Participant

Secret,

Respectfully, it seems like some of this is happening on your side. Perhaps you are quick to jump and dismiss advice. You called your friend for advice and support, and then got mad at his opinion? Don’t you see the error in thinking there? Maybe the opinions are wrong, maybe they dont fit, but they are still the gifts they give you. Are you projecting that same error into me right now for wondering if maybe there are some patterns in your own mind that are causing the rifts? Now am I an asshole? A manipulator?

With warmth,
Matt

September 22, 2013 at 10:40 am #42587

Secret
Participant

Thank You. and I have the intelligence to notice manipulation, but is there a reason i should keep those types of people around? I guess i just want to keep a circle of friends who reflect my values, who are similar to me. projection maybe, but i don’t want to constantly deal with headaches.

thoughts?

September 22, 2013 at 11:03 am #42588

Secret
Participant

Hi Matt,
I just want to thank you. I go on these forums to see if maybe i may have missed something in my relationships, maybe i didn’t see the error in my ways.I don’t know you, i don’t think you’re a manipulator, and you’re definitely not an asshole. but i think its a little off that when i call someone for words of encouragement they say “YOU DONT WORK HARD!” i studied my butt off for that exam! I even enrolled in a prep class. I studied almost every day. Where does he come off saying something like that? And then when i get mad he says ” What a *****, still butt hurt?” still mad? You’re a five year old. He said that only certain people can put up with my bs..what BS?! i dont do anything but go to work, and school. So thats where i’m confused.

September 22, 2013 at 11:04 am #42589
LiveSimple
Participant
I agree with you that a true friend does not put you down, maipulate, use, or disrespect you. Did you tell him that his comment upset you? In my opinion, if you find this friendship emotionally draining then it isn’t worth it.

On the other hand, sometimes we can take things the wrong way. I’m saying this because I have done it before. If I were you-and if this friendship meant a lot to me, I would discuss exactly how I’m feeling and then see how he feels and what he has to say.

Remember, “Only surround yourself with those who are going to lift you higher.” -Oprah

Best Wishes
- This reply was modified 11 years, 2 months ago by LiveSimple.
September 22, 2013 at 11:44 am #42593

Matt
Participant

Secret,

What BS? Now that is a good question! If you feel you’ve been studying a lot, and taking a prep course as well, then his saying you don’t study hard doesn’t seem to fit. His other comment seems more valid. There is a saying “In a garden where many bees swarm, only calloused skinned animals can live.” Perhaps there is something you’re doing, some twist in your internal structure or friendship strategy that either 1) keeps attracting oddly patterned friends or 2) pushes away the gentle beings who speak more lovingly, wisely. I suppose it could just be luck, but these things generally have a reason.

Perhaps it has something to do with a pattern that came to heart as I’ve read your words. You seem to make a lot of things about you. As though that calloused tongued individual is unjust in talking to you that way. “How could he say that to me?” Frankly, his words are a result of a lot of things, from his upbringing to his current stresses, his attitudes developed from his journey. Lions roar, birds tweet, and calloused beings say calloused things. Do we bite a lemon and complain it is sour? Who is the fool if we do? The lemon?

That being said, good friendships aren’t like that usually. I mean, sometimes friends get pissy with each other, but they forgive and move on. Do you forgive people? Do you forgive yourself? Do you hang on to past moments and let them fester? There might be something to explore there.

With warmth,
Matt

September 22, 2013 at 11:45 am #42594

Secret
Participant

yes i explained to him… and you’re right, maybe i could’ve taken it the wrong way, but i was still hurt by what he said.

September 22, 2013 at 11:54 am #42598

Matt
Participant

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