Hi Hope

There are many people your age who have not had to endure anything like the things you have, and yet would expect people to feel sorry for them. The fact that you have been through all this and just want to know how to help yourself demonstrates just how much resilience you have and an incredible strength of character.

Despite the extraordinary ordeals you have gone through, the feelings you have at your age are common. As children, our lives are mapped out for us by our parents. As teenagers, we start to have some freedoms, but school and other activities still map out our days. As students, we get more freedoms but there is still a framework for us to follow. It is only as that period draws to a close that suddenly we find ourselves flying solo, no longer a passenger. And that is scary.

You have clearly already developed the necessary skills to cope with change, so the issue for you is how to generate changes that will be positive for you.

At any stage in life, but especially at your age, it is easy to become hung up on where or what you want to be, and then do whatever is necessary to get there. That’s fine if you have an idea what your goals are already. But if you still have no idea what your goals are, I find it much easier to approach it the other way around – what are your skills and the things you enjoy doing? Do them and then start looking for ways to build more of it into your life. That way, as the world changes, you are more adaptable. When I was 24, the job I’m doing now didn’t exist. Meanwhile a friend learned how to repair VHS video recorders (ask your parents), because that would be “a job for life!”

Your friend has made changes in your life, and you feel she has moved on. It is sad, but it is a comment on her life, not on you. Some friends do hang around for life, whilst others are like a good meal – a wonderful experience but not a lasting one. As you change, you will find that some friends come with you on your journey, and others don’t, but you will make more new friends on the way.

I suspect that, when you talk about being lazy, and not putting in enough effort, and not wanting to put pressure on yourself, that what you are really describing is a lack of motivation. Because you clearly can put in the effort when it means enough to you, by writing this post or your poem, neither of which you were asked to do. And I suspect that lack of motivation is down to you not having or giving yourself the opportunity to use the skills that you already have.

Poetry is an incredibly effective way of expressing masses of emotion and meaning in just a few words, and your beautiful poem does just that. From it, it is clear that you have had to deal with so many issues and feel burdened by them.

So my suggestion is to treat that poem as a declaration to yourself that you have acknowledged all of your feelings. You have acknowledged your shame, your guilt, your anger and your fear. Now, place all of those feelings carefully into the “casket of memories”, and close the lid. In that way, you have tidied up your daily life and you won’t keep accidentally stumbling across those old, negative feelings, and you no longer need to carry them around with you. You know where they are, if ever you need to refer to them, but it will be at a time of your choosing, not burdening you every day.

From your post and your poem, it is clear that you are a very eloquent, strong and thoughtful young lady, who has taken on and beaten everything that life has thrown at her so far. Now, you are at the top of a roller coaster, which is scary but also exciting. Start by doing something – anything – that will make you feel really excited and passionate. Write a poem, ride a motorcycle, do a parachute jump – whatever. Because that excitement and motivation will seep into other aspects of your life, and you will start to pick up speed until you become unstoppable.

Hi Hope

Whilst I don’t have the same cultural background as you, I do live in a small community where everyone knows everyone else. As a consequence I often feel that anything I do is being watched by people I went to school with, or former colleagues or girlfriends, so it creates a magnified sense of worrying about what others think, especially when I was your age.

One of the benefits of getting older is that you start to care less about what others think. Partly this is because I now see so many of my contemporaries who wish they had done something different with their lives, but who became lawyers and accountants to please their parents, who are no longer around. When they see someone actually changing their life and getting out of the rat-race, they feel envious. Similarly with parents – they will try to guide you because they love you and are advising you with the best of motives. But ultimately all they really want is for you to be happy. So thank them for caring, thank them for their advice, let them know you love them, and do what you think is right. When they see you are happy, you will be surprised how supportive they will become.

You are looking for some direction in your life. I’m nearly 30 years older than you, and let me tell you, so am I. So I’m just trying to do more of what I enjoy. I can’t make a living out of it, at least not yet – not whilst I have a house to pay for and kids to support. So I’m still doing my job, but trying to spend every spare moment doing things I love – reading, writing, walking, motorcycling, making things, and passing on the benefits of my experience on forums like these. And by doing all these things regularly, I am getting better at them. And maybe, one day, I will be good enough to make a living from them. But even if I don’t, I still feel better for doing them.

As you are still at college, you will have opportunities to make a living when your studies finish. But don’t spend so much time making a living that you forget to have a life. Often we study to do a job that pays well, so that we can spend our spare time doing what we love. But the study and the job is hard, because we don’t love it. Try to experience the joy of doing something that you love, just for its own sake. It will teach you that learning can be a joy, and that getting out of your comfort zone and doing things that scare you is fun, not frightening. Try taking those music lessons, dance lessons, soccer lessons that you missed when you were younger. Maybe try something that you never thought you would do in a million years. Fly a plane. Do a bungee jump. Run a marathon (I did, and trust me, if I can, anyone can!) You will be amazed at what it does for your self-esteem and your feelings about what you are capable of.

Just one more tale – A university friend of mine graduated with an excellent degree in Sociology and History, but couldn’t find any work. He had loved trucks since he was a little boy, and had spent one of his summer vacations getting a licence to drive a truck, for no other reason than he had always wanted to. So he managed to get a job with a trucking company (after lying about his qualifications – they wouldn’t have taken him if they had known he had a degree), much to the dismay of his parents who had spent a lot of money to put him through university. He spent the next five years or so driving trucks for the biggest music supergroups of the day, mixing with just about every famous name you could think of, and by the age of 32 started his own trucking company. He sold the company for millions at the age of 40 and effectively retired. All because he chose to do something he loved, just for the fun of it. And his parents? He bought them a lovely house, so I think they forgave him…