Do you know what heart the most, that even after you get beat, they do not leave you alone either, they just want to you recover from it as if nothing happened, they just want to forget this happened, and you have to act natural for them so they can overcome it, they do not even give you the space to grief, they would send for a family member to help you get out of it, they can not even handle what they did to you, they live in denial, they would get you a gift or money to make you happy, it is you award to accept the betting, as if you did something good, are not you hurt enough that they would show it to other people, it’s like when you visit your grandmother, can you imagine being woken up on day by the sting of the lashes of a belt on your body, or you just raise your had to answer and you just heat of a slipper on your face! The beating did not hurt that much, the humiliation of that you can not keep it to your self, they just have to get every body involved in it!

One weird thought I just got, Why is it very frustrating that when you imagin a conversation with someone and their reply is the same negative reply you expected, and you were really fast on your more negative reply that you had uncountiously reply the same more negative reply that you had thought about but you thought you were better to say it.
Some times I hate being smart and and know the negative stuff others gonna say and they just say it, and when you say it out loud why do I have to get that angry so you would even consider, and you get that reply this is life, you have to fight for it even if it is already yours, you are in a constant fight with your self to control your anger, and people would tell you you won’t get any thing unless you fight for it and express your anger, and at the end and even if you reach what was ours, you already hate it, you hate the feeling that you have to heart other to get your own righteous need. It is just crazy, how we only have the concept of tolerating and not the concept countenance, that the sence feeling is no more, and the feeling of anger is therefore! I guess that’s how bipolar disorder, you cannot reach a normal level of expression! But if you are the one who is wondering all that you can not even know what is it you are feeling, or why you are feeling it to fix the reason of feeling it, triggers every where, you even get mad at your self that got mad for a silly reason.

I know that some times I am very excited and other am vey depressive, and other am feeling both at the same time, but what greater fight than fighting your own self, what greater purpose that you just feel you have too keep going, however you are feeling, what greater desire that you need to feel relaxed, I have been fighting with my self for decades and I’ll keep doing till I die, I have no other choice I cannot be a victim!

Hi Anita,

I really cannot remember when I mentioned that point, of accepting the abuse, intentionally ar I was an unconscious question that came out, and I needed an answer to, which is resembling this scenario, I was in 4th grade, and here in our country we study religion at school, an since majority are Muslims and Christians are minority, the Christian kids were usually picked up with a creation teatcher to teach them about Christianity, I used to wonder how these kids felt in that walk of shame, how are you forced to be kicked out of your class coz you are a minorty, and by the way we recently had an Arabic movie that addressed this issue, it is a great movie and it felt great that someone thougt about and act upon it! Any ways, Our school during that period had an issue of space, and there were a room at the end of our 4th grade class, that was originally used as a storage area for furniture, and most of the Christians were been brought to that room, and I see the walk of shame of coming in, so that day bothe thatchers were late, our 4th grader and the Christians teacher, I heard a fuss at the end of the class, and when I went there I sow a cople of kids from my class standing by the door and the Christian kids inside the room, and between them a pile of school bags and they were playing war, it sounded fun then, but actually thinking about it now it feels very racist not the kids action but the idea of a group of Muslim kids playing war against a group of Christian kids, I was just watching them smiling, one kid inside the room had this pice of wood shaped like a machine gun, and I was just crazy how he came out with that idea, and this is just me being crafty as usual, I used to build some of my toys, he used a part of a broken kindergarten chair, I just felt like needing a that toy, so I waited till recess and when the class room was clear, I went in that room looking for a similar pice of wood, but I could not find any where, so me being crafty I decided to used one of the chairs piled up in that room like trash to make one, and just when I took a chair and placed it in the middle of the room and while I was kicking the leg of I heard a scream that relent me speechless, just this face full of makeup with a big mouth opening and screaming the most negative things you can say to a child, he just psychologically analyzed me in that single moment, she did not ask, or question, she was just stating all the psychological disdvantages you can describe a kid with, and she just slapped me on the face, surely I screamed, and cried but I just can not remember what happened next, am sitting with this since teacher, who by the way called her kid she was pergranent with at the moment after my name, I used to like her before that day, she was marking some note books, and started ask me about home, my mom my dad, he was abroad at the period, and just when it sad that it was as if she found a treasure, that’s the reason you ar acting strange, she did not even ask my why I did that, no body did, so they gave me a parental notice to bring my mom to school tomorrow, when I went home I came to my moms room and she was facing the wardrobe and I came from behind, I said mom and gave her the mathematics note book, we had a quiz that day and I had a full mark and a star, she greated me and gave me back the note book, I then Said mom again and gave her the notice, she asked me what’s that, I told her I do not know. The next day at school, by the he’d master door, I was sanding, inside my mom and some teachers, I heard mumbling and she cameout with victory face and only one question, why did not you tell me that teacher hit you? I said I do not know, that what I used to say when I was afraid, I learned it was better to ack dump than to bare the consequences, and that’s it, I never knew what happened in that room, and know I realize that I did not tell my mom that I was hit by that sister coz I was just afraid that this would get me more trouble, we learned that when we get hit that we did a terrible shameful thing to deserve it and even my mom did not ask me what actually happened, no body knows that I was just making a toy gun to play like others!

That’s why usually an abuser does not have a memory of abusing someone decades before, they Supress thy memory so hard than it becomes repressed, or just they can not countioanly associate it, specially in prenatal sexual abuse, thy just cannot handle the thought that they can not believe it happened, I watched once a parent on TV crying when his doughters said that he sexually abused her, the man just said I do not know, I cannot say I did it or not, and when the reporter asked him do you think you doughters said that out of revenge or to cover a premarital sex, he said my daughter won’t do that, it is a self defense mechanism and could b related to dissociative disorders, am not an expert yet :p

It’s some thing like you have this big Clint meeting tom, and you stay up preparing your presentation, and if you know that client in a way, you can expect what would be his questions and and preparing for them, for me when something is controlling most of m thoughts, and it is related to some one, i just imagin us having that conversation, in different scenarios and expect their responses. So know see your self as the client, and you have this company pitching you their new ideas, and this is the 5th meeting with a company with the same pitch, I that client had the same expands with the 5th company which was the same as the last 4, and hen he asked the questions that drove him to ignore that 4 old companies, and came out with the same answers that he did no like before, he would get frustrated, and might not consider the project as a whole, it is just so frustration than when you expect some one to answer you negatively and he really does?!

I did not mean fighting the abuse, I meant an internal fight, I have made some great stuff and I destroyed them, I had jobs that I wanted but could not keep, due to depression, see, I have changed four totally carriers, each took at least couple of years, I have held 5 jobs that I have reached high level in each of, and left due to depression, I was engaged three times and also each at least he’ll a couple of years, it is not that I regret it, not at all, it is just watching what you have been building something for a while and watch it disappear in front your eyes, and restart all over again from scratch in a deferent Carrier was very hard, and not that I regret it, I can say I now about event organization, international trade, medical equipment, IT, and quality control. Which I guess no one with less than 12 years experience can say that, and I had some long off periods in between coz I felt I need to, or to,depressed to work! You tell me whch kind is this?

Regarding abuse, I guess I was assertive about since I was in second or third grade, I was just then that I have strictly refused any of my parents help with my studies, I just said I do not need your help any more, it might have been that their abusive attitude could have affected my learning, and I just can not learn something without enjoying it, I used to here this one tape over and over again for one whole year during high school, I had trouble to concentrate, so i needed a familiar voice saying the words that I have memorized by heart, to be able to concentrate. I have a lot of examinations and experiments with concentration!

I said I need to fight to not view my self as a victim, if your consider your self a victim of someone or something you will have all the reasonable and logic views for doing nothing the rest of your life from that prospective.
But seeing your self as a suvivor, empowers you to challenge your self more, to do more great stuff.

Am the one who is glad that you have lightened such a tough night, see, I did not sleep since yesterday, am used to sleep deprevetion, actually I used it some times as an approach against depression, and it is a scientific approach but yet debatable.

So thank you, Cya,

Hi Anita,

I know that I tend to jump through my thoughts that other would have difficulty understanding me, and some times I can not focus my thoughts, please pardon me, also am writing on iPad here as my laptop is in repair so please bare with me it is not that easy. I tend to just thread my thoughts, and I know it jumps all over, but it easier for me like that.

In that part about, “What would drive someone……” I agreed with you that the abused child tends not to say he/she was abused as a lake of trust, but I have just added to this conclusion that the abused child would associate the idea of him being beaten with the idea that he did some great mistake that he should be ashamed of and not mention it, and even if he wants to mention the abuse he is afraid that he will be beaten again by the person he is telling because that person would know what great mistake he did! And my very long story was about that, about when the teacher hit me and I did not tell my mom, other than it had too many diversions within that if removed would not have affected the frame of story.

I know am hard to follow, I myself face the Same dilemma with my mind, some times the thoughts are too fast for me to follow rather than expressing them, and other times am trying to write too fast to catch all of them, and when am writing stories about my childhood I tend not to read them before sending, because I know then I’ll face the burden of retacking them in and I have just let them out, I just can not read my own story, it is sad!

I have just read this post in one child abuse web site, it is that when you send your message out, you are sending to relief yourself from the burden you are carrying, and not for the sake of someone answering you, it tends to be less stressful if you did not expect an answer or you receive what you did not expect. Am sorry if I was taken by that idea to that extent. But having a loyal partner like you here, I promise you I’ll be more focused on the idea am presenting.

You understand very well, I tend to be confusing, I guess my grammar is like Yoda form star wars 🙂

Anita,

I promise you I’ll be more attentive in the future to what am posting here and what I want form it. Either this or that.

But if you still have anything that you wonder in these before messages please go ahead and ask, I can not leave you with the wrong message here!

Believe me for people with bipolar disorder it is not that easy at all, some times you are too overwhelmed with thoughts that you actually are thinking of nothing, it is like a beehive in your head, I can not find someone who had been able to explain how the mind of a person suffering of bipolar disorder other than Marya Hornbacher and he Times bestseller book “Madness:a bipolar life”, I really thought I was never gonna find someone who could put it as simple as he, You can check her book intro, it’s free on Google books, and it can give you a glimpse.

What if I told that my mom her self suffered from child abuse, domestic abuse, and she was a working women, who bared all that and still stayed married to our dad just for our sake, I really believe she also abused her self there.
What if I told you that my dad was an orphan who had to work summers since he was 8 to cover his expenses and education, a war veteran and an advocate, and kept working till he got his brain stroke.
What if I told you, that my dad was the best friend of my uncle, who is my mothers brother, and that he had spent most of his childhood in that home full of domestic abuse.
What if, and what if, people are not born abusers they are raised like one, and yet we have the advantages of our generation and knowledge to face our pain. They lived in the dark ages when the radio was a mesmerizing invention!
If you want to know some one, you have to know where is he coming from, not where he went?!

Again Anita,

I can not argue about that at all, where was his heart!

I cannot think before or after this phrase, where was his heart, and I have to add on it where was my mom?

I guess I have to watch closer when presenting my logic to you, you seem like someone who has great values and built sustainable logic to.handle them.

I have to apologize again for devaluating your knowledge, and you defiantly have the experince to aid it.

And from your last answer, came a question I had been Longing for an answer, and the answer is it is all about the looks of others to you, you care more for the prospective of outsiders to you, than the prospective of your family to you.
And he had been regretting it since!

I would like to congratulate you of your five years of healing, and we need you to keep going 🙂

The problem with anxiety and stress is that they tend to increase each time you try to hide them, and this is what usually gets me each time, the concentration and focus is a reflection of your mind state, they tend to need mind space.
I guess when I used to listen to music when I study, it was like a stress relief mechanism that helped me concentrate and focus more, but also it tends to fireback!

I never freed him from his responsibility, but how can you get closure, is it just black or white, is it either you cut any connection with him or he voluntary acknowledging his doing? I think I can not do the first nor he can do the last!

And I can add that he caried the responsibility of damaging my soul and that I let others abuse me! And when he relised that he hated both of us, I was the living proof of his abuse, the living proof that his abuse brought more abuse, a kind that he felt ashamed of, and that’s why he hated me at a moment, the desire, the need for coping and forgetting was too strong for him to handle, and the desire to forget the unforgettable and just buy adding some anger to it, it changed to hate.

You see, am hardheaded, am not convinced until I realize and study the facts, otherwise it just won’t!

Ok, it’s your time 😉

Cya,