Dear Cristina:

The sad reality is that your father signed over “a very lucrative investment property to her”, that he “took care of her (and by extension her daughter) to the detriment of his own children”, having “day-traded his kid’s retirement early”.

And it is also reality, that legally, you have no way to correct his actions following his death. His wife feels justified in having received that lucrative investment and in receiving that check that you will be handing her when the rest of the estate settles. There is nothing you can say to her, no perfect wording that will dissolve the greed that is strong in her.

Compassion for you- I am sure she will be willing to express that for you as long as it doesn’t involve money, as long as she receives that check, as she is legally entitled to it.

You wrote that your relationship with her may end. I think it will because I can’t see you being comfortable with her again. she will not give up that check she is expecting and which she is legally entitled to: people don’t do that, it would take a very exceptional human being to not take what is legally coming to them. Her loyalty is to her biological adult child, not to the adult children of another woman.

This story is so common, it happens all over, again and again. I know of a story closer to me, a father who gave away his house and big property attached (while still alive) not to his biological children, not to his one especially-dedicated, loving son who did so much for him, but to… a woman who did nothing at all for him. That woman then proceeded to change the locks so that the bio adult children have no access to the house.

Beats me, how and why people do that, why parents betray their own dedicated children, while their children are minor, by the way, and later in life. It is painful, a painful reality. I wish it wasn’t your reality.

anita

Dear Cristina:

You are very welcome.

(It must have been a typo in your original post, that your father and stepmother married in 2012, correct, it being that they’ve been together for over 30 years and that he last updated the will in 2006)

“Love is Responsibility”, the Shaman you mentioned said. I would add to the definition: love is  just responsibility, the word justice being in it. Your father did not practice just responsibility, did he. He practiced partial, inadequate responsibility and so, unfortunately, his legacy with his daughters is that of hurt and sometimes anger.

And like you wrote yourself: “these stories are so  common.. I’ve heard of so many others like this”. I would say justice (back to this word, this quality) is uncommon. Injustice in all its forms is the norm, not the exception and it leaves behind millions of hurt and angry people every day.

Knowing this is the reality we didn’t choose, but it is our reality nonetheless, knowing it is the norm, not the exception, if there is no way for us to correct a particular injustice, we better endure that hurt and replace that anger (when we can) with sadness, not keeping it burning inside us.

Back to the Shaman, he said that “the only really, pure and true love is that between a parent and a child.. mother and child.. All other relationships involve 2 people who ‘use’ each other for something”- –there are mothers and fathers who do love their children unconditionally, but many parents don’t. Many fathers and many, many mothers use their children. What I learned is that a young child always loves his parents unconditionally.

Lots of mothers (and fathers) criticize their children mercilessly. A young child never, ever criticizes her or his parents, no matter how faulty they are. The child doesn’t see those faults.  For the child, the parent is a god: unquestionably perfect, strong,  good and just. Part of the child that looks up to the parent as perfect, wanting desperately to to please the parent- that part never dies. As adults, we see our parents’ faults but we love them anyway. We may complain about them.. but we love them anyway, we won’t leave them (that hardly ever happens).

Your stepmother, she didn’t see your father the way you and your sisters saw him. For her, he was never a god, so it was transactional, the word you used. When you hand her that 20% check, that will be the ending part of that transaction.

I suppose it is your luck, that at the least, your father had a Trust for you and your sisters.

“I’m still wrestling with why he told us”- to ease his guilt, perhaps. But if he didn’t tell her and didn’t insist on putting in in writing, in a legally binding way, then his words to you were empty.

“I kind of feel like ultimately she saw my Dad as her and her daughter’s meal ticket, and the sad thing is, on some level that deal was OK for my Dad”- this kind of deal is okay with many men, from paying women in street corners for sex, all the way to rich,  older men marrying much younger, pretty women. The exchange of money and sex, whether sex is involved in a one time transaction or a long term relationship, is as old as the beginning of human society.

In addition to  it, financial considerations are part of all adult romantic relationships, sooner or later, because we do have to look for our material needs and the needs of our children. In many cases though, greed expands the nature of what is materially needed to expensive cars and houses, that are not really needs, but wants.

Feel free to post again anytime,  on the matter of the inheritance, responsibility and love.

anita

Dear Cristina:

I am sorry to read about your painful experience following your father’s death still happening, more and more painful events added to the previous. I am guessing that after all the finances are taken care of, all the transactions complete, and when you have no more interactions with your ex stepmother and ex step sister (I think you can add an ex there?)  then your pain with get duller and duller with time.

Post again anytime.

anita