Hi Mia

I think a lot of us look for external sources to provide us with the things we need – I guess it’s part of trying to return to childhood when our parents provided all of these things. As we grow up we either seek these things from others in relationships, suffer from lacking them, or learn to provide them for ourselves.

The last of these is obviously the preferable solution, as that way we are not reliant on others. But, as you are finding, that is much easier said than done. It’s so much easier to get someone else to do it for us. But, like learning to cook for ourselves, it’s much more satisfying when you learn to do it for yourself. And you seem to be a long way down the line by actually defining it all in a very clear and eloquent way.

Protection can be physical and emotional. If you live in a place that physically isn’t very safe, then you will have some basis for feeling unsafe and anxious, so need to take steps to address that – locks, alarms, etc. From the emotional protection perspective, it’s worth thinking about what has actually happened in the past, rather than letting your imagination run wild thinking of what might happen. How often has your feared outcome actually happened? And how often have you been able to deal with frightening things through your own skills and ability? I’m sure that, if you were to list them all, you’d find the second list much, much longer than the first.

As for feeling lost and needing guidance, that is often down to spending so long living up to the expectations of others that you end up with no expectations of your own. When we are a passenger, it’s easy – we just go where we are driven. Once we are in the driving seat, there’s decisions to be made, things to consider, and responsibilities for outcomes. No wonder some prefer to stay in the other seat. So it’s a difficult habit to break, but start small. Choose to do something just for you, something that you will really enjoy, no matter what anyone else thinks. Learn what it feels to be in the driving seat. Learn to enjoy being in control. Then the guidance will start to come internally, and naturally.

You say you feel alone and in need of comfort. Do you mean you feel alone, or do you feel lonely, because there is a big difference. For myself, I get comfort from being alone, and the loneliest I ever felt in my life was when I was married. I think for you this feeling will be helped largely by doing things for yourself as I mentioned before, the things that really give you comfort. Another thing worth trying is simply in giving comfort to others who are in need – it will give you a feeling of self-worth which will overcome any loneliness, and in doing so address your need for validation, helping you to realise that you have skills that others will value.

The fact is that, when we look externally for things, it’s easy to assume that is the only place we can find them. The fact is, they are within us all, but need to be brought out of us. And we do that by taking concrete actions to bring them to the surface.

How often have you given support to a family member, friend or colleague who felt fear? That’s you giving protection. How often have you offered advice to others? That’s you giving guidance. How often have you supported another person who felt in distress or vulnerable? That’s you giving comfort. How often have you given somebody praise? That’s you giving validation.

So you already have all these things inside you – they just need bringing to the surface. And by giving them to others, you will find them for yourself more easily too. And the odd thing is, those others will be even more likely to give them back to you in return – now that’s real magic.

Dear Mia,

To answer your how do I do it myself? part …

You have only four things you can do in life in terms of those thoughts/feelings/emotions that you explained or even any other ones for that matter. The first three are suppression, escape, and expression. The fourth is by Releasing.

Getting straight to the point to let you know on a practical method – It’s called as the Release Technique.
There are many release techniques, the Sedona method being one of them.

The method that I learnt was “The Release Technique” and I learnt it from the book on the below link-
(https://www.amazon.com/Abundance-Book-Lawrence-Crane/dp/0971175500)

It assists you in categorizing everything into 3 types of “wants”. (as per Release Technique Wanting = Lacking)
– Wanting approval or love
– Wanting control
– Wanting safety or security or survival

And then Releasing them.

This technique will not only help to release unwanted thoughts/feelings/emotions but also can be applied in other areas of life like- health, wealth, relationships, abundance.

You will get everything from the book, but if you are also interested into some paid customized programs then you can find them from their official site – http://www.releasetechnique.com/
Also when I did the purchase at the end of the book there were instructions on attending their free Wednesday ‘Releasing’ calls which helped a lot. I’m not sure if the book still has that option but if interested in it then you can get to know more using the contact option from their official website.

Take Care & Happy Releasing,
VJ