Hi Anita,

After doing some hard thinking, I believe that you are right that there is a common theme of me feeling like I need to conform to my mother’s ideas and opinions if I am to gain her approval and acceptance. I think this is why the past has been resurfacing so much for me lately, and why I am now totally fixed on a different regret.

I am beginning to have huge regrets about leaving the practice I was at for over a year in October to start my own (I wrote about it here https://tinybuddha.com/topic/second-thoughts-about-leaving-a-practice-to-start-my-own/). My reasons for this regret have nothing to do with the financial aspect, as I am currently making more money and believe I will continue to do so. That being said, I desperately miss having my colleagues around while I worked, and I miss the lack of commute (the old practice was in walking distance from my home). When I was faced with the decision on whether I should stay or go open my own practice, my mother was so strong for me getting my own practice as she believed financially it was the better decision and I had complained about aspects of the previous practice owner in the past.

I truly believe she thinks she is helping me by pushing her opinions of what she feels is best for me, but I think it starts to drown out my own voice and what I believe is best for me. At this point, I truly feel like I should have discussed my concerns with the previous practice owner and seen what happened. If she was unable to budge on anything, or cutting my hours which I THOUGHT she was doing, but now looking back, I think it was a misunderstanding, I think I would feel better about my decision now. I think eventually I would have left regardless, but I think maybe I am a year or so from that feeling like a comfortable decision, rather than a rushed one. Looking back, I think I was so rushed because I had found this space, and the owner of that space put the pressure on me saying there were lots of other interested tenants, and my mother was adamant that I take the space in October, when I was planning on only looking at spaces and not committing to them.

I’m worried that there isn’t a way back to this clinic without closing my own practice and looking like a total failure to my clients, friends and family, and the clinic owner. What I really wish I could do is go back in time and have a discussion with her more about all of this, but I can’t do that! My lease expires in March, as we only signed a temporary 6-month lease in October, but I’m wondering if I should discuss my concerns with the previous practice owner now and see if she’s even open to the idea of me coming back, even on a part-time basis, but I’m really not sure. I feel so sad that once again I let the opinions of others (mostly my parents) override what my gut was telling me, and I’m worried it’s too late to fix this error.

I’m sorry this thread has taken such a strange turn, but when I look at it, the title is still relevant. It seems that I’m often regretting the decisions I make (for the wrong reasons, usually to get the approval of my parents) in the past.

Hi Anita,

Just to clarify, the ex that I wrote this post about originally was not the same one that I had 13 or so dates with. The ex I wrote here about we dated for roughly a year, seeing each other almost every day in that time frame.

When it comes to my mother and me, I’m not sure there’s really anything to be done other than reducing contact or at least what I share with her. That and challenge my beliefs around needing her validation and reassurance.

I’m certain that the ex and other regrets from the past I have had are to do with this. However, I’m worried that my current situation at work is different. I am hoping this feeling goes away, that I am able to focus more on the positives of opening my own practice rather than the negatives of leaving the old one, but I must admit certain days are much harder than others.

For instance, today is a particularly cold snowy day. I would love to be working in her large, warm, cozy office rather in the office I have now. That being said, I looked into the financial side of things, and with calculating it out, I will make roughly $40,000 – $50,000 more with my own practice. Perhaps if I did manage to go back to the old practice, I would then be upset that I could be making much more money on my own. Maybe my mind is simply so used to regretting something, and it’s more about that than it is about truly wishing I had stayed. What do you think?

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. I have some sad news today… my current partner (long distance) told me today he didn’t want to continue our relationship, as there had been too much talk about my past, incompatibilities, and worst of all, no solidified plan to overcome the distance. That being said, I am willing to move in 6 months to a year, once I save a little from working at my business. I’m so disappointed in myself, in not being able to leave this stupid ex I wrote this post about behind sooner. I let the past taint my current relationship and for that I am so sad. I know my current partner is under a terrible amount of stress right now at work, but this is not the first time he has said he wanted to end our relationship. I think the only thing I can do now is give him time and space, but I miss him desperately already. He deserved so much better from me, I still hope I have a chance to give him that.

As an aside, I talked to my mother about this today, even though she is on vacation in Hawaii. She listened and consolled me and told me somehow everything will turn out alright, that once I work on myself I will feel better. She told me I am beautiful and successful and she wants me to be able to see me this way as well. As I started to sob, she told me I can’t do that though, I need to pick myself up, stop crying, and do what needs to be done in my life. I actually believe she might be right. I’ve spent much too much of the past year balling my eyes out.

To be honest, I can’t remember much of my childhood in specifics. I remember her and my dad being quite stressed with their business, and making ends meet. I remember feeling like I was a trouble maker to her, always needing more of her attention and getting upset with her over things and feeling hurt that she didn’t console me after an argument. As for her account, she has simply said over and over that no one in the world has loved their children more than she has, and she would always go to the end of the world for them. She has said in the past anything I remember about her not loving me or liking me is crazy, because of how much she loves me.

Hi Anita,

You are absolutely right. There is almost always a theme of regret in most of my concerns with myself and those around me.

When it comes to this new partner, my regret is tied completely to horrible behaviours I engaged in knowing better. Specifically, venting to him about my past, lamenting about it, and not respecting his wishes to stop talking about it with him. I was simply too hurt and too shellshocked about the whole thing that I found myself talking about the past constantly… even though I desperately wanted to stop. I feel sick to my stomach over this, that I let my past destroy something in my present.

As for the chemistry, I am now learning that what I had with previous exes was not “chemistry”, so much as hunger, a desperate need to feed on their validation that so distinctly reminded me of my mother’s. With my current (most recent) partner, the chemistry grew over time, and it was the little things that helped it grow, such as him helping me see that it was the best decision to leave my practice by creating a spreadsheet that objectively compared my salary and time at both clinics. He was not a jerk like my previous exes, and I am certain now that it was that fact that at first made me feel like we were not compatible. In exploring my past traumas and understanding where my original wounds stem from, I see that this man I so horribly treated was near perfect for the real me. Just not the wounded me. I am desperately trying to talk with him about this, about how everything is finally clicking for me (a great deal thanks to you, Anita) and that I can deliver on change for us. He told me he feels bitter, used by me to get over my exes. I feel so horrible that I treated a man this way, and this is where my current regret stems from.

I think I am finally starting to see her as Wrong, or at least that she was in my formative years. My father has provided her with many excuses for this behaviour (her mother treated her much worse, she had several nasty divorces before they met, she was abused, etc.) but I suppose at the end of the day, a mother should love her child regardless of her past traumas.

Anita, is there anything I can do with my current partner to help him trust me again, that I will never, ever bring up the past again and that I will do whatever it takes for us to be together? He seems to believe the latter but not the former. He says that I am all talk and that he doesn’t believe I could actually change, that the past 6 months of our relationship has been so difficult for him because of my constant ruminations which then led to his outbursts. Now that I am seeing things clearer than before, I can see how this is probably exactly what happened. He said he will think about everything, but he doesn’t think he will change his mind. I am so remorseful how I treated this wonderful man (I could go on and on about how he has helped me, tried to calm me, love me, etc.) and I want so desperately to have the opportunity to show him my gratitude and provide him with the relationship he deserved.

Hi Anita,

What specifically are you referring to when you say “there is much more to changing such a major and very powerful core belief”? Do you mean cutting my mother out of my life completely? Or do you mean more internal work to be done?

I have talked more with my partner, and I am devastated by what he shared with me. He is so angry and hurt over me constantly talking about my past with him (especially exes and what was done to me), not giving him enough space or time to do the things he wants in his life, and for saying hurtful things when I felt he was rejecting or abandoning me. He said he wants space, that he wants to be on his own for maybe a year or so. I asked him if he ever saw a future with us, if he ever wanted one or he only stayed in the relationship out of pity since he felt he was helping me so much, but he said he did. He said he wanted us to live together, to be happy together and I feel I have destroyed all of that. I am sick about this. I am physically ill, I can’t eat most of the time. I am angry. I am so angry. He said he feels robbed of what could have been between us, the time we could have had together enjoying one another, and I agree. I feel robbed too by the demons of my past. I am so upset about this. My partner was the one person that loved me unconditionally through the last few years that have truly been my most difficult emotionally, professionally, and relationally. I feel I have failed him. I am angry I did this.

I desperately want another chance, but I feel he won’t give me one. What have I done… why could I not see how wonderful he was before? Why was I so focused on being miserable… I mean I understand why, especially since you and I have been exploring my past, but I am angry with myself that I couldn’t have realized this sooner, that I didn’t fix it when I had the chance. I don’t see a way out of this horrible mess. I am so angry with myself, my mother, and my situation. It seems anything I do with my partner makes things worse. But I feel so much is unfinished, so much of what he is sharing with me is for the first time since it is the first time I am receptive to what he is saying. I want to continue the conversation, work it out with him, but he wants space and says he feels differently about me now…

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your kind words. We have actually been able to talk a little in the last few days, and he unloaded (or at least it felt like he did) a lot of feelings and thoughts with me. He told me how it had felt all those times for me to be talking about my past and exes (especially the one, in particular, I started this thread about) and how he tried to shove his negative feelings down at the time to help me, but eventually, they all bubbled up to the surface. You asked what I would do differently if he were to give me a chance, and there are a few things.

1. I would never bring up my past to him again, I see how horrible it was for me to have done that and I will never do that with him or anyone else again,

2. I will listen more to what he shares with me, be more present and aware and modify behaviours that are upsetting him in the moment,

3. focus more on meeting his needs in the relationship rather than worrying if he is meeting mine all the time.

I think that would be a good place to start, and I am trying to do this now. However, I noticed as soon as we were able to talk again, that it was seeming like he was thinking about giving me another chance, the negative emotions I experienced when I first started this thread started to sneak in again. It seems like whenever I am getting closer to my current partner again, the thoughts of my past and the past relationship I wrote about seems into my mind again. I do not understand why this keeps happening, why my current partner seems to have the effect on me of bringing about regrets from my past.

When I really try to feel and process these ugly emotions, there are a few things that come to mind. First, I felt extremely passionate and attracted to my past ex, I think in many ways he ways my type physically and personality-wise. Secondly, there is a horrible feeling of regret for my emotionally volatile behaviour (which I think was exacerbated by his inability to fully commit after his divorce), and the pain of him leaving me once and for all for someone else (whom I believe he is still currently dating,  years later).

I tend to be very nostalgic by nature, and often look back at the past much more fondly than I do my present or future. When I remember being with my previous partner, I remember being happy, fulfilled, understood, attracted to someone, and content. I know there were many moments with this past ex that I did not have all those good feelings (ex. when he would talk to his ex wife, when he told me he just wasn’t ready to call me his girlfriend, etc.) but I think I really thought at the time somehow that we could make it. My friends and family say that the relationship was likely doomed since we met before he was even officially divorced, but somehow I blame myself completely for the demise. I feel in my heart of hearts if I had been managing my emotions better, dealing with the traumas of my past, that our relationship would have still continued to this day. But then again, I remember the first time he broke up with me was 4 months into us dating. I persistentally asked for another chance, to try to take things slow, and eventually he took me back. Perhaps it wasn’t that I was resonsible soley for the demise of the relationship, but maybe I was for it to have continued as long as it did.

I know I should not be thinking about this at all anymore, especially since my current partner seems to be open to giving us another chance. But it is so, so odd that I feel every step forward I take, there are a few steps back to follow. I don’t know at this point if I just haven’t met my person yet, or if it is my traumatized mind that clouds all judgement. I think my current partner is a much better match for me in many ways than the previous, but I can’t say that it feels as good. But perhaps what feels good to me, is a reflection of what felt good to me as a child, and the relationship I had with my mother.

To make matters more complicated, I am so unsure where I want to settle down and build my roots geographically. My business is doing quite well here in my hometown in Canada, but I still can’t shake the feeling like it isn’t the best city for me (short of having my family and friends here). That being said, I don’t know that Switzerland, where my partner lives, is the best place for me either. As I approach 30 in March, I can’t help but feel I am running out of time to make these big decisions if I want to start a life and famly with someone in the near future. It all feels very overwhelming at times, and I find nothing feels just quite right.

– L