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How to move on from the past once and for all?

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  • May 9, 2019 at 1:56 pm #293089
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Mark,

    So sorry for the late reply. The reason I have not left my current partner is that I have been hopeful that these feelings/thoughts will pass. That as I mature, and I focus on what’s really important in a partner (loyalty, safety, kindness, etc.), the “fun” and chemistry (but lacking the important traits) my ex had will become less and less important.

    Over the last few months, I have stopped comparing the two in my mind and have essentially stopped thinking about my ex altogether. That being said, I still long for aspects of that relationship that I think I am confronted with regularly due to the long distance nature of my current relationship (i.e, living together, sharing daily tasks, spending time physically together, etc.). I understand what you’re saying though. I’m just terrified I will regret this decision, that I have a “good one”, and if I let him go I will not be happy with this decision down the road.

    May 9, 2019 at 2:06 pm #293091
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am pleased to report that since last writing in this thread, I been able to stay true to myself (both now, and as my younger self) in regards to my relationship with my parents, particularly with my mother. I think I am able to understand and validate myself a bit better, and I no longer seem to judge or criticize myself for my feelings regarding her and our relationship. We do not speak much anymore, but we both seem to be alright with that. I think being able to pull away from my parents altogether  (am I 30 now after all!) in the last few months has been beneficial for me to be able to sort out my thoughts, feelings, and long term goals.

    That being said, I still feel a bit lost as to what I should do with my life moving forward. I feel faced with some very big, life-changing decisions. I still feel that my current city (and hometown) is not the best place for me and my personal growth and have always longed to live elsewhere, yet my business is doing quite well and I find it difficult to justify a move just because I “feel” like it. However, at the same time, the idea of staying here for the rest of my life scares me. On one hand, I would be happy that I was close to family and a handful of friends that I see once in a while, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I would be happier somewhere else. My reasoning for this is that my current city is very conservative (I am more openminded), very cold weather most of the year, not much to do in any season other than maybe eat and drink, and lastly the desire to live somewhere else to see if I like it better.

    I’ve always thought of moving to somewhere in Europe (which also probably plays into why I have tried so hard to maintain my current relationship), or somewhere warmer in the West of my country. That being said, I seem to have extreme cognitive dissonance with this, as I also value being close to my family. I’m not sure how I should navigate these big decisions, and I feel so torn which is an uncomfortable feeling each day. Do you have any ideas or strategies on how I can sort through this?

    May 9, 2019 at 2:08 pm #293095
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    Good to read from you again! I will be able to read all of your recent post when I am back to the computer in a few hours.

    anita

    May 9, 2019 at 3:36 pm #293097
    laelithia
    Participant

    Thanks, Anita!

    May 9, 2019 at 6:10 pm #293107
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    I went over the five previous pages of this thread. I have a few questions for you and I hope you can answer them clearly, not at length, as short and clear as you can:

    1. Did you ever try SSRIs for obsessive thinking/ OCD or any other psychiatric medications for OCD, if so, how long, what drugs and what was the results?

    2. Did you attend psychotherapy, for how long, how long ago, and what happened there/ what helped, if anything?

    3. You wrote earlier about your boyfriend: “He would need to stay in Switzerland for a bare minimum of 4 more years, and ideally, he would like to stay permanently… I would like to stay in Canada long term as I believe we would have a better quality of life (in Canada)”- is this still his and your  positions, or are you willing to leave Canada for good at this point? What is his position?

    4. Do you think it will be a problem for you living in Switzerland with him while “his mother is extremely attached (and somewhat possessive) to him?

    5. If you move to Switzerland, will you be able to make your  own money (I think you mentioned online therapy with some of your clients)? Did you and your boyfriend discuss finances in case you move there?

    6. Do you think it is possible for you to never talk to your boyfriend about your past relationships, never, ever?

    7. What will you do if in Switzerland, living with him, and you feel bored with him, and not attracted to him, how will you deal with it when that happens?

    anita

     

    May 9, 2019 at 6:52 pm #293111
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I will do my best!

    1. No, I hae never taken any medication for mental health except for stimulants to treat ADHD. This was a disaster for me, and if anything, seemed to exasterbate my symptoms of anxiety/OCD characteristics. I have been off this medication for around a year, and I think it is this experience that terrifies me to take any SSRIs or other medication for mental health for fear of side effects and/or dependency. That being said, I do still think of it as an option, as a last resort.

    2. I did attend psychotherapy consistently from 2016-2017. I thought one therapist was extremely helpful (very direct, but supportive) and the others I saw after her departure was, unfortunately, less helpful (mostly reframed what I said, not a lot of feedback) and I have not found anyone else yet.

    3. His position is the same. He is quite assertive about this point, and although I do believe it is a possibility he might be open to moving some day down the road, I doubt it would be to Canada, and I think anywhere else would still be a small chance. I would enjoy living elsewhere I believe (although I don’t know since I have never left my hometown), but I am afraid of the consequences of doing so in my relationships with my family and friends. My mother has been in ill for many years (although doing much better now than she was in 2016), my aunt is terminally ill, and my extended family, in general, is ageing. I worry about leaving my home country and missing out of a lot, not to mention if I were to have children one day and for them not to have a relationship with my family.

    4. Unfortunately, I do think this will be a problem. For instance, his mother still does his laundry (at her insistence!) so he brings his clothing back and forth from his new apartment (he “moved out” almost a year ago) so she can do this for him. In that sense, he is not fully independent yet and has not yet committed to his own apartment, even though it has been close to a year. I was able to convince him over many months to finally purchase a couch, a bed and a TV, but the progress is very slow for him to “adult” in some ways. I’m sure this is not my place to push anything, yet I feel frustrated at 28 years old he seems reluctant to move forward with his (and by extension, our) life. He is masters level educated, has a great management level position, yet in some ways he seems very childish in his personal life.

    All that being said, his mother is an extremely kind and generous person and has always been very nice to me. It seems to me she just doesn’t want her son to grow up and leave the nest, even though he somewhat has already.

    5. Yes, I believe I would be able to. I would need to find a position there in order to obtain a visa, but I could also work virtually part-time. We discussed finances, he is of the impression that I would need to make my own money but that he would be able to take care of some of the rent while I got settled. That being said, he does seem very wary about financial topics, and although he is well off and in a position to support me a little more, he seems unwilling to do so. I wonder if some of this is due to cultural differences, as I noticed Swiss people are very “fair” and seem to like things equalled.

    6. I think so if the concerns I raised in the past with past relationships were not currently relevant. For instance, when he gets upset he will often threaten to break up. I believe this reopens the feelings of abandonment from past relationships, and then I begin ruminating about the past again. I have asked him to refrain from doing this, but he has very little emotional regulation skills when it comes to anger and often says mean things when upset.

    7. I think if this happens we will break up. Depending on how I feel about living in Switzerland,  I will either stay, move back home, the UK, or another city in Canada. In either option, I am not too afraid of building a life (i.e., making friends, finding a job, etc.) as I feel I am not too bad at this. The one positive of this scenario I can think of is that I would have known then that I tried everything to make the relationship work, that there was nothing else I could have done. That being said, it’s possible I will regret giving up my current work situation and be even older than I am now to begin a new relationship and family (this I feel less confident in my ability to do so). I feel that it is impossible for me to know what to do because I cannot predict how I will feel in the future, which is my struggle.

    I hope that helps!

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by laelithia.
    May 9, 2019 at 7:53 pm #293143
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    These are my suggestions:

    1. Get on an SSRI (or another drug that targets OCD). I was on Zoloft for OCD but it is a stimulant of sorts, maybe not a good idea for you, an SSRI with a mild sedative affect will probably be better for you. Your obsessive thinking has been going rampant for a long time and you need a relief from it. SSRIs are not as difficult to get off as some other classes of drugs. It may very well work for you.

    2. Do not move to Switzerland and attempt a life together with your boyfriend. It is not a good idea, not at all.

    3. After you experience some relief from your obsessive thinking (and its ongoing theme, Regret), consider leaving your hometown and moving elsewhere in Canada where it is warmer. This will be your first move away from your hometown. Later, once you are settled there and the move was successful, you can consider moving to Europe or elsewhere.

    -Living in your hometown near your family didn’t serve you well so far, you feel confident about your ability to make friends elsewhere, and living elsewhere, you will be less likely to concern yourself with comparing yourself to your sisters and friends your age and younger who are married with children.

    4. Sometime after you get on an SSRI/ some other drug for your obsessive thinking, before or after you move elsewhere in Canada, attend quality psychotherapy.

    5. After sometime in psychotherapy, attempt a relationship with a man you haven’t met yet, guided by your therapist as you enter the relationship and in its beginning. Until then date if you want, but don’t aim at a long term relationship. Accept the fact that you lost that competition of getting married and having children by a certain age, and that these things may not happen in your life at all.

    I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 10 hours.

    anita

    May 10, 2019 at 4:37 pm #293211
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your suggestions. I will speak to my doctor about an SSRI, I think you’re probably right that at this point it is necessary. It probably seems obvious to you, but can you tell me why you think moving to Switzerland would be a bad idea?

    Thank you again for all your help, and I will take these suggestions seriously.

     

     

    May 10, 2019 at 7:31 pm #293229
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    You are welcome. I do hope an SSRI will help you. Like I wrote to you, I took Zoloft (Sertraline) for many years. The instruction was to take it in the morning because it has a stimulant effect on many people. At one point I got off Zoloft for a while. Later I went back on it and it had an intense stimulant effect on me that I didn’t experience before. My psychiatrist at the time prescribed me another SSRI- Luvox (Fluvoxamine) which I was to take before bedtime because it has a sedating effect on most people. The reason I share this with you is that you mentioned that you took ADHD medications before, so I am thinking a sedating SSRI is likely to  work on you, and not a stimulating one.

    Regarding why I think it is a bad idea for you to move to Switzerland and live with the man you refer to as your partner, here are my reasons:

    My number 7 question to you was: “What will you do if in Switzerland, living with him, and you feel bored with him, and not attracted to him..?”,  and your answer: “I think if this happens we will break up”- well, it will happen that you will feel bored with him and not attracted to him. It happens to every woman, no woman is always entertained and engaged with her partner and always attracted to him, not every day and night, month after month, year after year. A lot of women don’t get alarmed by this, but women who suffer from OCD or OCD traits obsess about this: why am I not attracted to him, what is wrong, and so on (there is a term to  this particular OCD- ROCD standing for Relationship OCD).

    And so, it will happen and in your answer you wrote that if it happens you will break up  with him. Might as well save your money and trouble moving with him and surely break up soon after.

    Other reasons: “He does seem very wary about financial topics, and although he is well off and in a position to support me a little more, he seems unwilling to do so…he has very little emotional regulation skills when it comes to anger’- not the making of a good partner, especially when you will be living in a foreign country and may need his financial help and dependable emotional support.

    *** You wrote: “The one positive of this scenario I can think of is that I  would have known then that I tried everything to make the relationship work, that there was nothing else I could have done”- this is the theme we discussed, The Regret Theme running through your obsessive mind. You are willing to move to Switzerland and experience a failed relationship there just so to not regret not having tried. Your obsessive mind is bypassing reason.

    This is why I hope SSRI will help you a lot, to lessen the obsession so that you don’t act unreasonably, and going to Switzerland to live with this man is unreasonable.

    anita

     

    May 11, 2019 at 11:01 am #293259
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    Regarding my mention of SSRIs, the stimulating Zoloft vs the sedating Luvox, that is something I hope you bring up to your psychiatrist. I really don’t know what will suit you, the stimulating or the sedating SSRIs. I was prescribed Zoloft specifically for my complaints about my obsessive thinking and it did give me a great relief. Unfortunately I didn’t receive psychotherapy during that relief and my functioning in life didn’t improve. My psychiatrist at a later time told me that Luvox was the original SSRI prescribed for the purpose of helping with OCD.

    Regarding psychotherapy, I studied your previous threads. The following are quotes from what you shared there about your parents, particularly your mother, and after these, quotes of what you shared about your short relationships at the time. I thought you might want to copy it and bring it with you to your future therapist:

    May 2017: “I longed so deeply to be seen by them, to be heard, to hear loving words… I tried so hard to get her attention, I would clean the house as a child during the nights to surprise her, I would work so hard at school, I would try to engage with her. But she was emotionally aloof, and often deferred to spending time with my sister. Over the years I began to resent my sister… July 2017: “I felt above all else, scared… helpless.. sad, lonely, neglected, unloved, jealous, grotesque. Like something was definitely wrong with me, not her or anyone else. I felt guilty, for not being ‘right’ and ‘good’ naturally. I also felt confused… I thought that I wasn’t good enough. But I also thought that if I tried hard enough, I could be. This is what I have been doing with men”

    January 2019: “I felt Wrong as a child, a problem, a burden. I tried very hard in my younger years to rectify this with my mother by helping her with chores, caring for my siblings, anything I could do to make her happy. But after several years of realizing this wasn’t working, I became an extremely angry and sad teenager, and I suppose in many ways, emotionally I still am that angry and sad girl….It was more a negative feeling I got from her, that I was causing her distress. She would often shake her head or sigh at me, while simultaneously being so cheerful and encouraging to my younger sister. She often identified being similar to my younger sister when she was younger and told me I was more like the girls that bullied her in school”.

    The following are quotes from what you wrote about your very short relationships at the time:

    May- July 2017: “I met a man online, and we chatted constantly every day for 2 weeks .. we did meet.. I have never felt so strongly for someone so quickly in my whole life.. We spent the weekend together… he came back to see me and we spent another few days together…. we did have a few silly arguments (usually after having too much to drink).. before I knew it, my perfect man was saying he wasn’t sure if he was ready for a relationship after all… I felt so close, so attached and safe with him… I wish.. that I didn’t give him such a hard time for things that worried me… I wish I didn’t get so upset the last time I saw him… my desire to feel heard, loved and accepted seems still to be tied to him… Did my behavior last time I saw him impact his decision?.. he began dating/ replacing me the day after I left… I’m worried that I will always feel the pain of him betraying, replacing, and rejecting me… He was so beautiful, this perfect man of mine, I feel inconsolable that he’s now gone… I then start to ruminate about our last visit, and how I didn’t behave myself… I simply cannot believe this is the same person I was so infatuated myself. He seems like a totally different person to me now, and that what happened with us was all a dream… In my dreams I had imagined him to be so much more than he really was…(you then wrote him a letter:) I keep dreaming.. that the you I knew came back to me. This version of you is caring, attentive, loving, and most of all, mine… I was so happy when I thought you loved me, the happiest I have ever been… My heart longs for that ‘love’ again, to feel special, to have so much hope for the future… I have a hole, deep longing that never seems to go away… I find myself absolutely crushed, that for the very first time in my 28 years of life, I finally felt satiated, that I had the love I always wanted, and just as quick as it came, it was gone.. I miss the excitement, the thrill of wondering when I’d see my ‘dream guy’ again… it was not real love on his end, but it was real for me. I have never felt hat way about anyone before, so grateful to finally have that emptiness inside me filled”

    Less than a month later, still July 2017, you wrote about another man: “I recently began seeing someone… We spoke on the phone a few times before meeting.. our first date was the best.. I mistakingly went home with him. We ended up sleeping together… more to do with pleasing him and trying to make him happy and like me… (about other women he was seeing:) “Like those women are ‘right’ and ‘good’ and ‘desirable’, while I am not those things… I am obsessed with thoughts of ‘what could have been’, of him wanting me… every minute that I do not call or message him feels like fighting some sort of addiction. I don’t even know what I would say, but the overwhelming desire to do something to change his mind”.

    And now, a short input regarding what I think has happened and is happening in your mind and life: your little heart was broken when your mother rejected you, pronounced you (with words, sighs, comparisons to her bullies etc.) wrong, bad, and unworthy of her love,  while seemingly accepting your sister, pronouncing her right, good, worthy of her love. For a child, to be emotionally exiled from her mother, is a devastating experience. It created an overwhelming craving for the love you so desperately needed from her. You tried to get her to take you back into her fold, to love you, but you failed. Later on, in relationships with a few men, you got to temporarily feel the euphoria of being returned to your mother, being loved by her, no greater feeling in the whole world. You called this feeling, being satiated, “I finally felt satiated”- the hole in your heart was filled.

    But then the man broke up with you, got together with other women,  and your emptiness returned. Basically, the men (take away the sexual element) are your mother, and the other women in those men’s lives are your sister.

    I hope that in therapy you will gradually bring back to your awareness your experience with your mother, an experience from which you detached yourself best you could, feeling sort of okay in her presence, but within the presence or context of men, you keep re-experiencing this not in a detached way, but acutely.

    Once you do a lot of work with a quality therapist, you will be able to enter relationships with men not as that desperate, broken hearted girl, but as a stronger woman, being able to pace herself, to get to know the man instead of immediately projecting your mother into him (again, minus the sexual/ physical attraction element). You will no longer compromise yourself greatly, trying so hard to please the man, and then get angry at him. Instead, you will be true to yourself and in so doing, you will not get angry with him either.

    The more you keep your early relationship with your mother away from your awareness, seeing it in a detached, no big-deal kind of way, the more stuck you will be in dysfunctional mini-relationships with men.

    Increase your emotional awareness of the your experience with your mother, see it as the very big deal that it was, and you will be able to finally place your childhood experience in the past and you will no longer re-experience it over and over and over again.

    anita

    May 11, 2019 at 11:27 am #293265
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you again for all your thoughtful contributions. They help me immensely, and I know it must not be easy to spend so much time doing so. Please know that I am so grateful!

    Regarding my answer to your question number 7, I just realized I misread it. For some reason when I answered that I would break up with him, I read your question as what would happen if we argued and did not get along. Somehow I did not read bored and not attracted to him. I feel getting “bored” is somewhat of an inevitability as you mention in long term relationships. In fact, I don’t crave the intense excitement I once felt with past partners anymore. I now enjoy the comfort and safety I feel with my current partner rather than that short intense excitement. That being said, I did notice our physical chemistry was lacking, even though I found him very attractive. To this day I struggle to understand why that piece was missing, and I wonder if it was to do with the distance and inability to be emotionally or physically intimate enough to grow.

    Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that I don’t think we would break up simply because I was somewhat bored and not physically attracted to him. I think I would try to see if we could work it out if there was some underlying cause that was leading to this. That being said, it seems it might have become a moot point. We were planning our summer vacation together, and for me to come to see him to once again and for me to take a critical look at Switzerland to see if I could make a life for myself there when we had another small disagreement. He has not been feeling well the last week, and I noticed whenever we spoke in the morning (for him), and evening (for me), he was sort of short. I asked him about this, and rather than be supportive when he told me he was not feeling well, I criticized him for “taking it out” on me and not being nicer. This lead to a fight in which he ultimately told me he doesn’t think he can do this anymore, that being my partner is exhausting, that cheering me up and saying what I want him to all the time is a full time job that he simply doesn’t have time for.

    We were planning for me to come only a month from now… I feel like once again I pulled him close only to push him away. I feel I really needed this last trip, to see for myself how we are together and his country again once and for all to know for sure if I should or shouldn’t go there. Now it feels like the choice was taken from me. I feel sick to my stomach that my issues and insecurities are the primary cause of this break up, of the issues I had in this relationship. To be honest, I’m not even sure if we would have any issues at all (save for the distance) if not for the projection from my past you mention.

    I know he is not perfect, but neither am I–far from it. I feel that I took for granted how hard he tried to soothe my anxieties and depression, how often he tried to cheer me up from my current issues as well as those from my past, including exes. He never should have been put in that position. He told me once that he feels robbed of what could have been between us had I not done that, and I just feel so sad when I think of this. I don’t know really if we could have made a long term relationship work or not, but I feel miserable and angry with myself that I didn’t let myself see. At this point, I’m not sure if I should bother fighting for us anymore if I should try to still come to see him (as I usually do when these disagreements happen). In the last 2 years, he truly has become my best friend and confidant, and I feel so terribly sad at the idea of us no longer being that for each other anymore. I just feel so lost.. and that no matter what I do, there is no perfect outcome. If I make this relationship work, I will be thousands of miles away from friends and family. Even if I am happy there, if I have children one day, they will likely not know my family very much. And if we decide to separate once and for all, I feel like I will always miss him…

    Honestly, I think I have reached the point that if I cannot make this relationship work, I don’t think I want to try another anymore. I have no desire to replace him as I did in the past with other exes. I just miss him and the feeling of safety I had with him. Yes, the passion was sort of missing, but is that really what’s important in long term relationships? He did so many selfless things for me that past exes never would do. I just wish I had focused on that more, not allowed my anxious brain to run rampant about anything I perceived as negative or wrong or him not caring about me. I just don’t know if I can fix this now, and I feel huge amounts of guilt about it, paired with intense sadness and grief.

    May 11, 2019 at 12:01 pm #293267
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    I read some of your recent post and will read it more attentively later. I know about your Regret-Theme obsession, and I will not type something here for the purpose of trying to make you feel better if I didn’t believe it to be true. And this is what I believe to be true: the guy from Switzerland, it was not going to work out for you even if you  had no issues. This time, here in this context of this guy, really, it is not your fault. You are not losing anything and you are gaining money and time by not going to Switzerland.

    anita

    May 11, 2019 at 12:39 pm #293273
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for that reassurance. I feel embarrassed that I feel so sad about losing this relationship, while he doesn’t seem to be nearly as upset. I wonder why I feel like I am losing so much and he doesn’t. Probably because he was always catering to me and my emotional mood swings while I didn’t really do much for him. You say I am not losing anything, but I feel like I am losing someone who got along with my family, loyal to me,  smart/educated and financially stable, kind and compassionate to my emotional states, my best friend and confidant. It’s been almost 2 years since we began, and I dread the idea of my life without him in it, even in the virtual sense. I can’t imagine not being able to pick up my phone and call or text him when I feel nervous or sad about something, or just want to share something about my day. I worry that my days have already become so lonely, to lose him on top of everything, I’m just terrified.

    May 11, 2019 at 4:20 pm #293281
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear laelithia:

    In your most recent post about your boyfriend in Switzerland you wrote: “I dread the idea of my life without him in it… to lose him on top of everything, I’m just terrified”.

    Two years ago, May 2017, you wrote about another man you talked to for two weeks, then saw 13 times total: “I feel inconsolable that he’s gone now… My heart longs for that ‘love’ again.. I have a hole, deep longing that never seems to go away.. I find myself absolutely crushed, that for the first time in my 28 years of life, I finally felt satiated, that I had the love I always wanted, and just as quick as it came, it was gone… I have never felt that way about anyone before, so grateful to finally have that emptiness inside me filled”.

    Shortly after, July 2017, you had just a few dates with a different man, you wrote about him: “I am obsessed with thoughts of ‘what could have been’.. every minute that I do not call of message him feels like fighting some sort of addiction”.

    What you feel now about the guy in Switzerland is not about who he is, I don’t think, it is about that “hole, deep longing that never seems to go  away”. It is how you felt as a child, a feeling that gets activated when you experience a break or a breakup from a man.

    If you re-read my posts to you May 9-11, today, you will see that I suggested that you see a psychiatrist  so to lessen your obsessive thinking (you can hardly hear or read what I write to you because your obsessive thought are so loud and repetitive, that my voice drowns in that noise), then attend quality psychotherapy so to address your childhood experience (that hole, deep longing) and proceed from there. Why don’t you make an appointment with a psychiatrist for this week?

    anita

    May 12, 2019 at 11:04 am #293333
    laelithia
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am actually seeing a doctor next week to start the ball rolling with an antidepressant. I tried to get in on Friday, but they weren’t able to fit me in. I think you’re right that I have a habit of trying to fill this hole I feel. However with my current boyfriend, it felt different. He felt more like a dear friend to me, I truly believe he cared about me. I just think maybe he was lacking in some personal experience (no prior relationships, living at home when we met) that made it difficult for me to envision a life with him.

    We spoke on the phone today and we both cried… he told me he is making this decision for both of us, that he thinks it’s for the best and we will both be happier. I just can’t see that now. I feel lonelier than ever, and I feel like I let him down by talking about my past all the time and burdening him with my anxieties and depression. It feels surreal that just a couple days ago, we were planning for my trip to see him next month. I wish I had just booked this instead of constantly asking him if it was the right thing to do. He said that it was these constant questions and reassurances that I needed that drained him.

    Can you tell me, when you wrote “And this is what I believe to be true: the guy from Switzerland, it was not going to work out for you even if you  had no issues. This time, here in this context of this guy, really, it is not your fault. You are not losing anything”, how you know this for sure?

    Thank you so much, Anita!

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