Hi Anita,

I am not entirely sure what happened as I was a child with my relationship with my parents, I was my parents only girl so they tended to favor me more, but was also the middle child and may not have always had all the attention, or I got too much and just wanted more time alone. My dad tended to be absent in stages of my life due to work but I would still see him at night. I was described as a happy baby and child, rarely cried always smiled and I guess that was true until I was about 5, and I think that was when my relationship with people changed when I started school and peers my age tended to bully me from then on. I cannot remember a year I didn’t have problems with kids in my class. I think I have always been a bit reserved, I tended to have one or two friends at a time but I had the same friends throughout elementary school. Then when I got into middle school I struggled a bit more in hanging out with the same people until by the time I reached high school my friend expiration date was about 9 months. Well, it was more of a rotational thing, that I would go back to friends from 2 or so years ago.

I think the seal of the deal may have been when I was in high school, I was forming a really strong bond with two people. At the time, the three of us were all going through depression stages (teenage year, ya know) and the two of them would always be talking about how hard their life was and I kept all my difficulties to myself because I didn’t want to be their burden. I would try so hard to be something that they could be happy about and they didn’t see it that way, they only wanted to be sad. Well around the same time one of my friends started doing drugs (and lied to me that she wasn’t), I opened up to my other friend about who I was and tried to move onto more deeper conversations. Two weeks later he straight up refused to talk to me and started to ignore me. Worst was the fact that I knew he was suicidal, he said that when he would graduate and after all his friends would finally leave him he would kill himself. He purposely tried to push me away so he had that excuse. And I had to live with the fear that if I didn’t do something that I would have been that person that let him die. I always had that battle on sending his parents or a teacher a letter explaining his situation or keeping his secrets. But when time passed and I called his bluff, I knew he caused me enough pain I let him go. He is fine now, I think, its been 6 years or so since then,
But I think he is the reason I cannot trust people. Even though I may have always had something that made it difficult to connect to people, he reinforced that with fear. I don’t want to be put through that pain again, I don’t want to trust someone enough to open up and then feel rejected.

And then 2 years ago, I thought I found someone else I could open up to, and I feel that even though I wanted to be ready to be a good friend and finally start meaningful relationships, I couldn’t do it. I was most likely rejected because of it.

I don’t know Anita, that is just my thoughts on my poor connections, I have always been a bit bad with connecting with people for what ever reason and my experience as a teen sure didn’t help. I am not entirely sure the roots of it but I can tell you where the trunk is.

What are your thoughts?

Laure

VJ

Thank you for your insight, I want to work more with meditations and I will look into the heart chakra and Carol Tuttle’s resources. I know that my heart is not open a majority of the time.

Thanks,

Laure

Dear Anita,

Well yeah, it is true that they have never been 100% supportive toward everything I do and I straight up tell them that they were never the type of parents to have us try to reach the highest goals we want. Instead they try to knock us down to reality. I can see they being bad or good. For example my brother who is 25 is working to try to be in the olympics for martial arts, he is aiming and taking steps to the highest point he can go, even if it isn’t reasonable. My parents support him going to tournaments, but she constantly says “He will never make it as an olympian, he shouldn’t even try.” type thing. It might be true, but as a mother I think she shouldn’t be saying that, I think she should be saying to him “I believe you will be an Olympian” regardless if she thinks its true. She isn’t always negative, she wants him to open a martial arts studio and offered to pay to start it up.

As for her comparing me to the lowest point someone could be, although it is true it is partly because a couple of people in my high school have died from overdose or have gone to jail and my parents are hearing this and are just happy that they don’t have a problem regarding that. I think they are proud that all her kids have their act together, especially in comparison to many kids my age. However I understand that they shouldn’t be comparing us to them, and treating us like we could have been better, or their perfect ideal child.

Regarding my father, yeah I am not going to lie that he has not been the best father. That type of instance happened once, maybe twice, but he never has hinted at that and I am confident to say he has no image of that toward me at all now. It was very damaging to me at the time because unlike most people at that age (14 years old), I was immature with regards to guys, I had the most innocent mind and no desire to date, but mostly because I hadn’t met anyone I liked. I imagine that could have made me repress feelings for guys. I remember that when I was in high school, I talked to people online who had my similar beliefs and interests, for months everyday. I had 3 instances where it was a guy that eventually hinted at romantic interest, and it was always a complicated situation where they lived in a different country and wanted to meet me. I would stop talking to them partly because at the time it was a big thing to avoid stranger danger with people online and also because I didn’t know how to react to romantic interest toward me. It still feels like the case that I have not met the right person for me, there were maybe two instances that I was convinced that I did but now I think it is the lack of the best person for me. And it is not that my parents did not support me dating people, my mom would always say “So-so is a nice guy, you should date him” (dad is always neutral on everything but would agree). And with that it comes back to the is it just because I cannot connect well to people that I will never be able to start a relationship with the best person for me, or if I am being too picky and if I am capable to learn better connections with others that I can compromise?

So no, my parents have never been consistent with support, but is that the connection to why I have difficulty with my relationships with others? Is it because of my relationship with my parents that I believe I cannot fully have a constant connection with people and that I believe they will not stick with me when they have the hard times in life? Is there a solution?