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How to stop being toxic

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  • March 10, 2017 at 8:36 am #138807
    Ally
    Participant

    Recently I’ve been having some issues with my boyfriend and I’m really upset about it. I was never this kind of person but as hard as it is for me to admit, I feel myself becoming toxic. Your advice would really help me to get through this.

    We have been dating for 7 months now and we try to see each other everyday. I want to spend as much time as possible with him. Even when we are not together I want to text. I do have hobbies, I go out with my friends but I don’t understand why I am so clingy even after all this time. Or for example when he goes out with his friends (there is a particular guy I truly DISLIKE) I get mad and a part of me wants to do everything to stop him. I have become too controlling and someone I don’t like. We have fought many times but he forgives me and we get back together. Please tell me if you’ve gone through something like this and what you’ve done to make it better. I want a happy, normal relationship because we really love each other, but also because I want to be at peace with myself and get rid of all the negative thoughts.

     

    P.S I am aware that all human beings need alone time and we can’t be together 24/7. I also go to another university, have hobbies, have other friends who I go out with regularly. But I find myself having more free time with him and I want to spend all of that with him (a.k.a want him to go out with me instead of his friends)

    March 10, 2017 at 9:04 am #138881
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ally:

    How to stop being toxic: number 1- stop fighting.

    Behave respectfully toward him, practice mutual respect, and that means, no fighting, no aggression. You need to communicate something to him, to get his input? Have a peaceful conversation, a Win-Win interaction.

    And so, regardless of how clingy and anxious you feel- don’t proceed to disrespectful behavior, to aggression, covert or overt.

    Regarding your clinginess, possessive feelings: we can examine those, if you’d like, and if you do, consider answering this: are you afraid his friends (particularly the one you dislike strongly) will take him away from you; will turn him against you?

    anita

    March 10, 2017 at 9:16 am #138885
    Ally
    Participant

    Thank you Anita

    I am not afraid they will take him away from me. They have nothing against me. I really don’t understand why I feel like this towards them. The only explanation I can think of is the crazy, absurd thought that he is choosing to spend time with them over me.

    March 10, 2017 at 9:38 am #138887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ally:

    We can continue to look into this: as a child, do you remember being sad or jealous that a parent/ family member spent more time with another child than with you?

    anita

    March 10, 2017 at 1:22 pm #138899
    Ally
    Participant

    I am an only child so all the attention was on me. I guess this is one of the reasons

     

    March 10, 2017 at 5:17 pm #138917
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ally:

    When you wrote that “all the attention was on (you)”-

    What kind of attention did you get a lot of, too much?
    And what kind of attention did you not get enough?

    anita

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