I met my ex boyfriend when emotionally I was in a horrible place. I just came back from an exchange year and I made the decision to move out from my mothers house because of the many fights there were between her and my sister. I couldn’t handle that lifestyle anymore because of 2 reasons: the first being that I had lived in a ‘normal’ loving and caring hostfamily for a whole year and the other reason was that I started to have major panic attacks all the time and I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

When he and I met, we clicked immediately. I trusted him from the beginning and I could tell him everything, even the things I was afraid of saying out loud or was ashamed of thinking. I had the feeling we were on the same wavelength and we matched so well I think. We stayed together for almost 3 years, even though it wasn’t always easy (mostly because of my anxiety disorder and because of the struggles of living alone when I wasn’t ready for it and the fights with my mother). He had always helped me and he was always there for me. Last year (in April I think), I wasn’t doing so well. I had a huge depression and I was SO afraid of everything. He helped me and we went to his doctor and he even skipped work for me one day. A few months later I was doing a little better and I was finally making progression. I don’t exactly know why, but I was irritated with my boyfriend all the time. I guess the main reason for me being annoyed, was that he would go out a lot and had all kinds of activities and hobbies while I felt like I needed him the most back then. A lot was changing for me and I wanted him to be a part of all that. Also, he wasn’t ready to move in together while I was already living alone for 3 years (and he was 2 years older than me). Another thing that bothered me, was that our sex life wasn’t great. I never wanted to have sex and was annoyed because it never felt good. Anyway, in July I broke up with him because I felt like he was more of a best friend to me and because I had to figure things out for myself. In the beginning we still had some contact but after a while that faded a little. In October it hit me that i could really lose him and that maybe he got over me. I called him and I wanted to see him. He didn’t think it was a good idea and he said to me that he had started a new life and I wasn’t a part of it. I couldn’t stop crying and for a few days, I wasn’t even able to go to my internship. After a while, I wrote him a letter explaining why I broke up with him and saying that I was sorry and I felt selfish. I said I really missed him and that I never felt so connected to anyone. It was a long and deep letter, written from the bottom of my heart and he never responded. In November (I think) he sent me a message saying he met a girl. I was devastated and cried for days. A few days later I responded and asked if we could meet. He wrote a harsh message basically saying he didn’t want to see me. The worst part is, we already knew the girl and she lives right next to me. I can see her front door from the window in my room. I see him (and her) a lot and I don’t feel comfortable anymore in my own apartment. I feel so guilty, selfish and stupid that I let him go and that I hurt him. I feel like I made the biggest mistake in my life and I’m worried that I let the love of my life go. He was always there for me and did everything he could to help me and I let him go… now, almost a year since we broke up, I still feel horrible and I still think about him all day, every day… I can’t take it anymore and I don’t know what to do… I’m still hoping everything will be okay, but deep down I know that that’s an illusion. How can I get over him and how can I stop feeling so guilty and stupid… what if it was meant to be and I ruined it? I’m sorry for my English (It’s clearly not my mother tongue) and I’m sorry for my (very) long message. Thanks in advance…!