Hi Matt,

I have never commented on any forum post before but I came across yours and I feel like maybe I can give you a bit of a glimpse of what life down the road may look like for you if you get through this, and I am absolutely certain you will. First of all, you are a very well spoken young person (I’m now well into my 30’s so I remember what 20 was like) who clearly has a great deal of emotional intelligence. You are ahead of the game by recognizing the wrong doings of your mother and the effects that it has had on you. You also mentioned how you would not inflict pain on your little brother. I am sure your brother loves and needs you more than you could know. I’m sure your mother hasn’t been great to him either and you have in a sense been “war buddies”. I remember huddling in the bedroom with my little siblings when my parents were at war with each other and any one of us that crossed their path, I kept them safe until they were old enough, then I got help for myself and accidentally forgave my parents. I began to learn more of their childhoods and realized my mom and dad were still those hurt little children trying to get rid of the pain they carried with them all these years. Unfortunately they handed that pain on to us, as your mom has done to you. Now here you stand, her pain in your hands. The weight of it is heavy and you need to put it somewhere. If you were to hurt yourself, you would put that weight on your brother. That is not what you want so please reach out to talk to a pro about your thoughts of suicide. You need to, for him yourself and everyone that loves you, and those that will love you down the road that you have never met yet. I have done a lot of work on my own to free myself of my parents burdens but couldn’t have if I didn’t reach out for help when I needed it. Nobody’s life is as “normal” as portrayed. I can promise you that your war wounds have given you some positives in return. You probably have a great sense of humor and are empathetic to others. I promise you Matt, you have everything you need to get through this and one day you will find yourself standing in your kitchen taking a break from getting your kids breakfast to talk to a younger person that reminds you of what you felt was a hopeless time. It is not, you are almost on the other side. Get in touch with a professional, and work as hard as you can to build your life. A life where the pattern is broken. I believe in you. I apologize for the length, grammar etc. This isn’t my type of thing to comment but I feel like this is giving advice to my younger self. You will forgive in your own way, when you are ready. Take care of yourself and it all will fall into place. Please address the suicide thoughts though. Hugs

Hi Matt

Many people struggle with forgiveness. It’s important not to compare yourself to others. We all have different levels of coping skills. Some people can be severely abused and move through life without too much damage. Other people can have what seems like mild to moderate abuse and struggle with severe depression and anxiety. I struggled for many years to forgive my parents and had years of dysfunctional and toxic Behavior myself as a result of harboring resentment. I highly recommend mindfulness and meditation as a way to show loving kindness towards yourself. When you begin to show loving kindness towards yourself what comes from you will be love. The truth is, whatever we have inside shows up on the outside. An easier way to think of it is when you squeeze an orange orange juice comes out. If you have love and compassion towards yourself then you will show it towards others.Therefore it’s important to go inside first and love yourself exactly as you are. This means not feeling guilt of actions in the past or being too hard on yourself. Once you begin to let go of the criticisms you have against yourself the harsh judgements and negative feelings towards others will melt away. The bottom line is every single person is always doing the best they can at any given time. Your parents did the best they could with the level of Consciousness they had at the time just as you are doing the best you can now with the level of Consciousness you have. The beautiful thing about suffering is it does awaken us if we allow it to and we become more conscious. Once we realize that everyone did the best they could depending on their level of consciousness forgiveness is easy and in some cases, we go beyond forgiveness and we can just accept that everything unfolded as it should and the challenges you have are here to awaken  you! I realized after years of abuse that the abuse was a gift to help awaken me and also make me more compassionate towards others. It’s not to say we ask for the suffering but if it presents itself in our lives then we must not resist the message that it is there to deliver. I’m sending you much love in my meditations today! Best maryrose

Dear Matt:

You wrote in your original post that your mother beat you in the past, that is, she was aggressive toward you. In your most recent post above, you wrote: “I’m sure my parents never intended to be abuse to me, it just happened”-

this is what a child would like to believe, that the parent never intended to hurt, that the parent’s intentions were always good and loving. It feels safer to believe this.  As adults we keep believing that, but we suffer for believing this. We suffer and our anger remains because it is not true, what we say to ourselves.

When your mother beat you, screamed at you and displayed such behavior toward you, she was angry. Anger was her emotion and it motivated her to fight, to be aggressive. When angry and acting on that anger like she has done, her intent was to hurt you, to cause you pain.

This is a difficult concept to accept, but if we reject it, we continue to suffer and continue to feel anger because our anger has not served its purpose yet.

Let me know what you think, if you would like.

anita

You are welcome, Matt.

anita

Dear Matt:

I didn’t attend to your post on this thread, the one you posted two days ago. There you wrote: “I definitely think my mother intended to cause me pain. In fact once she even told me to my face that she couldn’t stop, I was an outlet… he (your father) is honestly trying to make up for it and is a  genuine parent beneath all his pain. My mother, on the other hand, is not.”

You are currently living with your mother. I do not see a possibility for you to no longer be angry at her: she hurt you and never expressed regret. Seeing her every day, hearing her voice, all these automatically trigger memories of past abuse.

She may still be abusing you in some ways, is she?

anita

Dear Matt:

Unfortunately, even if your mother no longer beats you up or is expressing aggression against you in the present, the emotional memories of her having done so in the past get triggered again and again by merely seeing her, by hearing her voice. This has been my experience. I don’t think we can prevent this from happening, it happens naturally and automatically. It is a consequence of having been abused.

For as long as past abused is being triggered by being in the presence of the person who abused us, we can’t do anything but… stay away from that person as much as possible, best, not being in their presence at all. And so I do hope you move out somehow, sometime, soon.

I don’t know anything about game developing. I hope you research what you intend to do and if it is possible, that you make a practical plan for it to happen.

anita