Pardon the length and the vague title, but, in order to make it clear, I have to explain the facts that led me to where I am now.
I’m 20. One year ago I met a girl that ideally covered the traits one would say match the “soulmate” stereotype, we talked for months and I was blown away by how she was not like anyone I’d met before. She had a boyfriend though (I am a girl). We both fell in love with each other quite strongly, but she was scared of the whole situation and when, after 7 months (in December), I confessed my feeling she basically told me “I can’t do it, but I want to be friends when you are ready for it”. Since, at that point, I had been suffering for a very long time, I felt lost and desperate and could not get over the fact that she loved despite being scared to handle her feelings and be with me. The idea of being friends really didn’t suit me, so I ended contact and tried to get over her because I knew there was nothing I could do to change her mind without being disrespectful. I pride myself in being able to accept a no without childishly trying to obtain what I want anyway, so I always try not to force people when I know they would be uncomfortable.
At the same time I happened to get involved by chance with a friend I’d met in the summer. It started off as sexual attraction but slowy began to grow into something else. We’d been together for 5 months untill she broke up with me out of excuses a couple of weeks ago.
Without writing a poem, she is the kind of person who has a hard time committing and being close to anyone, she is even selfish at times and has outbursts of anger/bad mood, she is very hard to have a serious/rational discussion with. We’d had problems during these 5 months and I was very scared to face them because she was my first “serious” relationship, but I gradually began to get out of my shell and began to feel very close to her.
In the middle of everything, the other girl I’d ended contact with wrote me after months, telling me she needed to talk to me in person. We met and she basically told me she’d understood how much she loved me and that she wanted me so bad. I told her I had a girlfriend and, out of respect, I couldn’t possibly cheat or leave her. It broke my heart because I was being presented with a chance I’d been hoping to get for ages. But I just couldn’t do it. Cheating or playing with relationships, jumping from one person to another, is something that does not belong to who I am. So I rejected her.
On the other hand things were going great with the gf, when all of a sudden she went cold (to this day I still don’t know what triggered it). I guess at that point it was already over for her. She kept me hanging for two miserable weeks, I began crying every day, I slept bad. Then, as I’d gained the courage to clarify things, she was like “uhm I think it’d be better to just stay friends y’know..”. She didn’t even said “I’m leaving you” or anything, dind’t even explain in detail why. The same day I got a long message from the other girl who, a month after my rejection, still wrote me again how much she loved me etc. At that point I was free of commitment, but I didn’t feel the same way I’d felt in the past about her. I had gotten over my love while falling in love with my gf. I’d have slammed my head against the wall, I swear. The timing of everything had just been plain wrong. Period.
Some days after, the (at that point) ex-gf wrote me “I know how things have gone but I deeply care about you and just don’t want to detach myself from you, I want to stay friends”.
At that point I just lost it.
I began to feel incredibly angry all the time, wanting to smash things, punching walls, crying every day, suddenly bursting in tears in public multiple times a day, being unable to focus, feeling miserable to say the least. I am a very rational person so I always try to understand why I’m feeling in a certain way.
I can’t get over how absurd the situation is. We had problems, we were solving them, we were close and then all of a sudden she just ruined it all. For her, I said no to someone I’d loved far more than anyone else in my life. And now I lost them both. I can’t even understand or accept that she wants to stay friends, I feel mocked by her. I love her and am incredibly angry with her at the same time.
This anger has cemented inside of me and I can’t get rid of it, it’s poisoning my life, I only feel angry and sad. I can barely do anything, even the things I love.
Lately I’ve faced some let-downs even about other things and I’m sick of it. Everything I do, no matter how hard I try or how much of a good person I try to be, ends up in failure. People might be good with me at first, but they always take advantage of me in the end, no one ever stays.
I know that the right thing to do is move on and keep trying to make great things, but the anger and resentment don’t go away. Even if I try to engage in activities I love to get distracted, I just can’t find any pleasure in doing them.
I can’t go on like this, it’s been a month so far and it feels like 6. I know there are no instructions to fix this, but I hope someone might offer me a different perspective to help me get rid of this cage.
I find it especially hard to bear the anger and the feeling of just wanting to burst in tears and smash everything that surrounds me. So far I’ve never snapped and probably would never do it, but god knows how much I’d want to. It breaks me because I’m not a bitter person, but when situations repeatedly turn out in illogical and unfair ways, despite the fact that I gave my trust and invested my time and efforts, I can’t get over it. I’m so tired to see people take my feelings and walk over them.