Hi Anita,

Thanks for your reply. You are right, he was angry at me many times. I had cheated in November last year, he had hit me in February this year. He wasn’t guilty about it and told my flatmate that he took out the truth from me about what happened that night by hittng me. I was hiding about the cheating second time  because i was scared of losing him. Ik i should have never made the mistake in the first place to not lose him but this was all i had left. I felt I had to get over him and hence went to the other guy, but i couldnt. Also, he hit me again this june as he thinks i hadnt told him the entire truth about what i did with the other guy and also what i told about him to others in the party. I was embarrassed to tell him the truth cause I don’t want him to know I was naked in some other man’s bed. It would hurt him. But I told him that in June. And then he knew he wanted to break up, so i agreed as there as no going back. But i told him lets behave civil till I leave the job in four days as i didnt want things between us to be bitter. He did so. On my leaving drinks day he came and he behaved well. However, at night he said that i tried to show him down in front of others (which idk how as i was being nice to him as i was happy he made it that day). the plan was for him to stay at my place that night. But he was angry at me. I tried to talk calmly and explain him not to fight. he hit me again as  i didnt let him out of my house and wanted him to stay. Obviously, i let him out but i was just trying to talk calmly. Next day, I went to his place to take my things and tell him he needs to correct his behaviour. But as usual me, forgave him and decided to take break instead of breakup. he didnt apologise for hittng either that day. And he behaved well that day. But on the last day i was going to leave, i said don’t you think it was wrong for you to hit me. He said no, people like me deserved that to correct them. He said he should have broken up with the first time i had cheated itself instead of listening to him and letting me do it second time. he thinks he is always right. I never like to hurt other people, even my friends said they know i won’t. I told this story to my friends as i felt guilty and they all are mad at me that i  dont see that he did wrong by hitting me not once but thrice. I still feel guilty about what i did as never in my life i want to hurt anyone as i know how bad it can be. i would be hurt in his position too. he has issues with his parents from childhood which i thought might be resason for his agression, but i tried. and idk how to forget this and try to carry on my day. I am not able to behave normal with my parents, carry out my day and even eat food. i want to forgive myself but why is it so hard?

Hi,

Thanks for you reply Anita. I was hit as a child maybe till the age of 13-14 if I did something wrong. But that’s parents correcting their child. I was never hit after that. This was the first time this year after ages. I mentioned that ‘I still feel guilty about what i did as never in my life i want to hurt anyone as i know how bad it can be’ because during my first year, there was a guy who liked some other girl and wanted to date her but was with me to just for a casual relationship but had never mentioned this till he started dating her (and she doesnt even know about it). I liked him and felt so hurt when he left.

I still love my ex and I had called him to talk about it. I really wanted him to know that even if this relationship doesn’t work out, you can’t  hit someone for any reason at all. He argued that he didn’t see a choice as I would always lie to him about it and I said that to that there is always an option of walking out. He said he tried to walk out but I would always find a way to talk to him (especially cause we shared the same workplace), which is right about, I couldn’t let this breakup happen. I finally asked him if he was sorry for hitting me and he said yes. He said he shouldn’t have. He knew that day when he hit me we had crossed a line and maybe we both couldn’t go back. But I think we both have the fear of letting go.

I talked to him yesterday and he said he still has feelings for me (its true for my side too). But he said he isn’t sure if he can trust and respect me the same way he did before all this happened. I asked him if there is a way he can forgive me for what I did, he said he isn’t sure and not to keep my hopes high. I fear that what if we talked and got back together and decided to never cheat or ever hit, things might become better. But what if i continue this and again it doesnt work out. Technically, I tried last 6 months just cause he said we will try. But this time, he knows the entire truth about cheating, so maybe he might actually try it? he said if he knew I had cheated like that, he wouldn’t have ever slept with me and have a connection we have (we both have slept with only each other in our life).

I am scared that this has become toxic beyond a point (as a friend mentioned to me, but obviously she would defend me). He said we can continue talking and see but I don’t what the future has anymore. I am scared that more efforts will just go in waste if it doesnt work out.

He said that he fooled me, but then on calling him  again he said that  I still have feelings for you and i want to be with you but idk how to get back the respect and trust on you to make it work. He said that love is not enough for this to work. He had told me the same thing 5 months ago too, we tried and he left and now he is back to talk. He is there even after he knows the entire story now. He said we aren’t together but we can talk and act normal. My brain says that its time to give this up as I will go through the same thing I went for 5 months and get nothing. But my heart says that maybe if I try again it might work.