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I fear ill end up a bag lady or porn star

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • January 27, 2017 at 9:15 am #126237
    Peachgummirings
    Participant

    My mother was a porn star in the ’80s. I remember her being anorexic looking and only cooking for me and never eating anything herself. When i was 11 or 12, i had already been molested and exposed to her and her friends porn movies magazines and printed media. I heard her screwing the guy of the month all night and her screaming at me to shut up singing all day. I was left alone with no phone and treatened not to look out the window or answer the door while my mom went jet skiing weekend trips. My mom let her male friends take me shopping and then acted like she didnt know they we also molesting me and telling me i am not a normal 12 year old. I developed a cyst on my ovary before my first period. I often would take walks collecting change and take it to the coinstar machine to buy food for myself as a kid. I was kicked out of my own home before i was 18 or graduated high school so that my 19 yr old stripper step sister could move in. I was trafficked on the streets and had no social security card or id and i sure didnt know how to drive a car.
    My mother cried to me and made me promise not to do porn when im older. My grandmother teased me with a stuffted animal dressed like a “bag lady” pushing a grocery baslet saying that i better work hard in life because i dont want to end up a bag lady so when I was being sex trafficked as a teenager, i tried to convince myself that i was ok because at least 1. It wasnt on video and 2. At least i am not a loser bag lady.

    Now so many years later, these images taunt me in my head relentlessly no matter what i do.

    I got myself off the streets and became a stripper but i felt ashamed and got other work but i find it hard to make ends meet and always end up going back. I am caught between my mothers advice and my grandmothers’. When i am making money, i feel ashamed that i am being how my mom tried to tel me not to be. When i am not making money, i am terrified that ill end up a bag lady on the streets when i could have saved myself from this fate by doing adult work. I dont see how else i can pay for school without doing adult work like stripping or camming but i dont see how i can live with myself if i do. I am not a bag lady or a porn star and i really am scared that ill end up having to be both if i dont make a desicion to f the haters and make my money while i still can.

    January 27, 2017 at 9:32 am #126241
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear selfhealingorganism:

    Your second thread gives me more information about your mindset and life situation. It is very unfortunate for you that you were born to the woman you were born to.

    Understandably, for the child that you were, what your mother said was very important and so, what your grandmother told you was also very meaningful to you. As the adult that you are, if you look at the situation as objectively as you can, you can see-

    that neither your mother nor your grandmother deserve to have authority over your thinking.

    And so, the two options don’t have to be: make money in the sex industry OR be a bag lady.

    I suppose this is why you came up with the third option expressed in your first thread: to be in a monogamous relationship where the man takes care of you financially while you get more education, have a profitable career and/ or be a stay-at-home-mom.

    I will be waiting for more of your thoughts and feelings in this thread and the first, hoping to communicate with you further.

    anita

    January 27, 2017 at 11:11 am #126257
    Peachgummirings
    Participant

    Hi Anita. Thank you for your responses. I am accually not sure where i picked up the idea that it would be great to get married to someone who would take care of finances while i go to school and or have a baby… I didnt even date for years in my 20s for fear of getting pregnant and stuck with a zero and i didnt want to go back to school until recently bc i had gone to a trade school and i liked my job even though i had been struggling to make money. I didnt realize that i was never going to have the time and money to have a life beyond it until i was too poor to pay rent and went back to stripping. I had quit stripping and got my trade business flowing with the economy goin up again and also went to bartneding school and had got a full time job around the time i was getting serious with my boyfriend and he asked me to move in with him and i knew he didnt make much money and i would be paying part of the rent. After i moved in, i quit my job and then closed my business a few months later all with his advice and ran out of savings a few months later. I began learning a new trade at home while going to school online and everytime i would mention gettin a job he said no and when i did get another job to save our behinds on the rent, he told me to quit after i racked up my first paycheck so i could concentrate on my new trade and school but we ran out of money and i had to quit school and havent had money to invest into my new trade. Anyway i am now very glad that i did not have a baby under those circumstances and i know i dont ever want to have to rely on my partner for money again and i dont want to be used either. I guess i should broaden my thinking…

    January 27, 2017 at 11:44 am #126260
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear selfhealingorganism:

    Your last post is congruent with my point above: “neither your mother nor your grandmother deserve to have authority over your thinking” and adds to it:

    Neither your mother or your grandmother or ex boyfriend… or next boyfriend should have authority over your thinking.

    Your best bet is to rely on your own thinking. Those three mentioned have failed you. You know better than the three of you what is best for you.

    Making your own money; making your own money in a way that doesn’t make you feel badly about yourself; picking the next boyfriend as one to have way better thinking than the last one- all these are best for you, according to what you shared yourself.

    Do rely on your own logic, your own experience… learn from what you see around you (and inside you)- what you’ve seen and heard and experienced in the past- make yourself more and more the authority over your life.

    And please do post anytime- would like to continue to communicate here with you.

    anita

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