Hi there-

My boyfriend and I have been together in a wonderful, healthy relationship for 3.5 years. We are both older professionals who happen to work together, so we see each other often.  We live separately but make time for date nights and quality time together.

His mother, unfortunately, is home bound with dementia and is thankfully able to have 24 hour nursing care.  My bf supports his father and mother both financially (he owns their home, pays many bills, fixes things when they are broken, etc).  He comes from a large family, and many of the siblings each do their own part to help support a less than ideal situation.

My main difficulty lies with his sister, who lives out of the country.  She comes into town about three times a year for a month at a time.  I dread each time, as she is very demanding of my bf’s time.  She does a lot to help with nursing coordination, arranges for things like supplies, meals, etc, but it wreaks havoc on a system that seems to run smoothly.  Many of the nurses have abruptly quit when she is there, calling her a “bitch” as she tends to micromanage and criticize them relentlessly.  She expects my bf to spend about 5-6 nights a week with her while in town.  In the beginning, I found her to be very extroverted and slightly aggressive.  For example, if we would go out to dinner she would be rude to the waitstaff and demanding (i.e. complaining that the light in the restaurant is too bright and they need to turn down the lights).  When she was out of the county, we would email from time to time, always in a positive way. However, things started to get strange when she would ask what I was getting my bf for holidays/birthdays, and then suddenly, SHE would buy those particular gifts for him.  When she is in town and knows that my bf and I have plans, she asks him to spend the evening with her instead, even if she has seen him 5 times already that week.  I do suffer from depression, and my bf did confide in her about the strain this was imposing on our relationship about two years ago.  I immediately received an email from her outlining how her depression in the past was “way worse” than what I was going through and how she doesn’t understand why I am not spending every evening with them (as I was just starting antidepressants, getting out of bed every morning was a challenge to me).  I’m an introvert and fiercely ashamed about my depression, so I found this to be intrusive and somewhat of a betrayal on behalf of my bf.  Her emails would continue and finally I just stopped responding.  Also, she and my bf have had a very rocky relationship in the past-they stopped speaking for about 4-5 years previously bc she told his entire family he was gay (he is not), as well as family friends.

I have explained this all to my bf, and he understands, to a point.  In fact, I nearly broke up with him because of this: I wanted to go to a concert (one of my favorite bands) but he refused to make plans because his sister would be in town that weekend (one of her six straight weekends in a row) and didn’t want to make plans “just in case she wanted to do something”.  I did tell him that I feel like he places her first (always, not just sometimes, as I expect to be).  He was open to the conversation, but it is still not resolved.

She is in town currently, and I am happy to tell you that he did turn down plans with her this evening bc it is our date night.  I do go out with their family once or twice when she is in town to make an appearance.  I am always cordial.  But already, he is saying (after spending last evening with them, all day today with them), that he wants me to spend tomorrow evening with them.

I just can’t.  She is very toxic, stirring up drama between siblings and caretakers, and my bf does get wrapped up in the drama, too.  It’s emotionally draining and I feel so much resentment towards her every time I go around her, which then in turn falls onto my bf.  I love him so much, and I would never ask him to choose between her and me, but besides keeping my mouth shut and only limiting my time with her, is there anything else I can do?