Dear Sege,

I’m not a perfect woman, far from it, however I was not imagining things.

I was walking on egg shells all the time in this relationship… he was so sensitive and insecure. I described him as awesome as he was very intense, he showered me with compliments, he took me to great places, left love notes everywhere for me, changed his schedule to be all the time with me and seemed to love me. However his moods and character was very difficult to handle. I had to give him my full attention all the time, i had to reassure him often, i had to tell him WHY I love him. I couldn’t speak about my past, at all! He was jealous of my exes and my past. He used to shut me up as soon as I’m about to speak about an experience I had in the past.  I had to ask him before I take any decisions, I had to be careful how I speak to him since he used to get offended very easily and I ended up being very cautious how to speak with him, afraid of contradicting him and if he gets upset, he gets even more insecure and controlling. He himself admitted that when he’s insecure he becomes controlling. And when he’s controlling I get detached and he gets even more insecure and it was a viscious cycle. He was constantly afraid I’ll leave him.

He had told me he loved me  and was talking about our future very soon in the relationship… we hardly new each other. I was a bit taken aback but I believed it was true. (Apparently he says these things to all girlfriends )

You mentioned the wooden spoon and his childhood. It was him who told me that his mum used to beat him with it. It was him who told me that his mum used to disown him and treating him she’ll commit suicide. I did not invent this.

It’s been almost two months that we’re not together, I’m still thinking about him and trying to figure out what was wrong with him. At first I used to think he’s a psychopath but after a lot of reading I think he has a LOT of borderline traits. I know it’s wrong to try to understand why he was acting the way he did but I just can’t help it.

He’s a relationships therapist himself and he goes for personal therapy every week so he can hide certain traits. However from his past relationships it’s easy to say that they were very unstable .

I’m not looking for a Hollywood love story but I want to be in a relationship that allow me to be happy and to be myself .

Elle

Hi Sege,

Thank you for answering me.

When I left him, I had left a note (quite a long one) on his kitchen table.  (He knew I was packing up my things to leave him for good – so I didn’t leave him over a note)  I was very angry and I don’t exactly remember what I wrote. I know I told him that I could not live with his character anymore and as much as I was hoping for a future with him, I couldn’t possibly live like this. I told him that I was grateful for the nice things but I was feeling he was changing my personality….

After that I spent two days at home, on my own, just thinking whether I had made the right decision.  Two days later, when I was calmer, I wrote him a very long letter, telling him that I needed to write the letter to have a closure because I was too angry when I wrote the note and I didn’t want that to be my final words to him.  In the letter, I explained to him what bothered me a lot and also mentioned and thanked him for the lovely things he did for me. I ended the letter by wishing him well and more success in his business.

I went to post it in his letter box (was too anxious to send it by post) and texted him before to let him know. Told him it’s a letter which I needed to give him for me to make a closure.  He said ‘whatever you’re posting, I will NEVER read’.

Two weeks after that I texted him as I had left something at his place that I wanted to retrieve.  He asked me if we should meet up and talk and I said yes. I knew I didn’t want to go back but I wanted to hear something, anything at all, from him. We met. First he came in very cheerfully and kissed me on my cheek.  Then he sat down and said ‘tell me’.  I said that it’s his turn to speak now as I had left him a note and eventually a letter (1500 words!) for which he replied that he never read the letter! When he saw that I had no intention of going back, he just wanted to leave..  I was almost ‘begging’ him to say something but he was like, ‘I have nothing to say, I better leave.  You look happier and calmer and deserve to be so’ and he left.

Since then, we never made contact again. And this is probably what’s killing me.  It’s like subconsciously I wanted him to tell me that it was not my fault and he was the one who fucked it up or perhaps and apology – maybe to have a clear conscience and ease the pain – but obviously he would never do so.

I am very much aware that I might fall for a similar guy, maybe due to some childhood events that happened to me.  So I am now going for Cognitive Analytic Therapy to start the road to understanding and loving myself.  I do not intend to go into another relationship until I’m happy and in love with my own self and wouldn’t need a man to make me happy.  It’s tough, tougher than I thought, as I’m the kind of person who loves to give, most of the time forgetting about myself. I’m a people pleaser, love to help and would do anything to see other people happy and see to their needs before I see to my own. Hopefully I’ll be better and I’ll get rid once and for all of my guilt feelings (even when it’s not my fault), my insecurities and self-worth issues. Meanwhile I’m also engaging myself in activities and planning holiday trips.

I just hope the road to recovery isn’t very long!!

Elle