Hi …

I have been in a relationship for 18 months, my partner is in recovery for alcoholism. We have know each other for 25+ years and have been together previously before. What ended the relationship previously was that she was in the throws of becoming an alcoholic and she decided to leave our relationship to pursue one with her ex. They were together for 4 years.

During that time, I spent my time getting to know who I was and dated but never really committed to a full time relationship. Honestly, I always felt that my partner would be back at some point. I just knew it would happen, it wasn’t wishful thinking or hope, I knew in the my soul that we weren’t finished yet.

So we came to be, again, 18 months ago. I knew she was an alcoholic and that she was starting to go to AA. Somewhere along the line I became emmeshed with her and ended up not being present or honest with my feelings. I felt so nervous and jumpy inside that instead of taking time to actually respond to a question of hers, I became reactive and said whatever my brain pushed out just to fill that gap. It was bullshit and she read completely through it. The article on the phrase to say to help prevent any argument – “The story I want to tell” … is very, very my same situation.

Now, my relationship is suffering because I am a liar. I spoke with other spouses/friends at Alanon and they even say that this can be a common trait and that they too have fallen into the pit. My partner doesn’t want to listen to reason … she said I lied and that her trust is totally broken.

There is a reason why we are back together, we both know this … I am in a lot of pain because of what I have done, unknowingly and even though she warned me about it.

It takes time, I know to repair … but in the interim how or what can I do so that she sees that this is common? I am more conscious of my feelings and expressing them to her. I take the time to respond vs react. Is there anything I can do to at least show her that yes, I messed up and yes, I take responsibility for it, but it isn’t necessarily a character flaw where I lie about everything.

If the trust was totally not there … then I know her enough to know that she would leave completely. She is still with me, we have some form of a relationship … although very very disconnected … any words of advise.