Dear Mary:

“If I’m a lot, then go find less” – in this statement “a lot” has a negative connotation, as in too loud or too talkative. And “find less” would mean, find someone with less of that negativity, less loud, less talkative, etc.

“I’ve been told I’m too much before” – from our previous experience, your too much (I’ll get to my too much later) has been taking too much responsibility for people around you when they feel badly/ displeased with whatever or whomever, feeling guilty over their displeasure, agonizing over it in your own head, and trying to fix your felt-wrongdoing by doing people-pleasing behaviors, to your own detriment.

“March 1-2: “I always find myself saying sorry to someone who is feeling bad about something or someone… I was always disappointing to my parents and went out of my way constantly to try and please them. I still find myself trying to please others too much in my adult life, especially at work…My dad… His initial reaction/comment anytime I tried to talk to him about something that happened, he would always start with ‘what did you do/say to them to make them do that to you?’ So, I always felt like I was the reason for everything that goes wrong. I would feel guilty about all of it“.

Your people pleasing mental and other behaviors: agonizing (“it makes me question if I’m doing the right thing or not so that’s when I start to feel guilty“), automatically apologizing for anything and everything, spending more time with a displeased person than you have to spare, neglecting yourself and your boyfriend, trying to make everyone happy (“I just wish I could make everyone happy… I tried to balance my time with all of them. That just led me to become burned out because I had no time to myself to recharge and do my own thing“).

As a result of your mental agony and people pleasing behaviors, you get burned out and you push people away (“I tend to push people away so I can be alone for a while“).

Back to your current thread: “I know I’ve told others they were being too much for me too” – any person who takes little to no responsibility for their displeasure and blames you instead- is too much for you, I say!

“There are moments when I need to reserve my energy or recharge it” – in addition to taking a break from people, having your alone-time, at times when you do interact with others, try to not exhaust yourself with taking on responsibility that does not belong to you. The mental agony involved in it, by itself, is exhausting!

“There are times when I can be too loud, caring, loving, out there, etc… if you’re not always able to vibe at a higher frequency as others, then you’re less or not good enough” – I see this as your taking on the responsibility for people’s vibe needs at any one time. If others need you to vibe at a higher frequency than you do- you feel guilty; if others need you to vibe at a lower frequency than you do- you feel guilty.

“I would love to hear all your thoughts and opinions on this phrase, especially on what it means to be ‘too much’” – you mentioned growing up with your father who pointed to you as “the reason for everything that goes wrong“. It so happens that I grew up with a mother who pointed to me (and to other people) as the reason for everything that goes wrong. Never (and I mean never, it is not an exaggeration) did she take responsibility for her words and actions being a reason for things going wrong. So, like you, I grew up with a core belief that I am guilty, and I suffered a lot from the mental agony involved in this core belief. My too much was similar to your too much. (And unfortunately, you and I have a lot of company in this area of too much!)

I very much agree with Helcat saying: “people just need someone to listen and care about them without overly being involved in the situation. It is easier said than done“- empathetically listening to, and being supportive of someone who feels badly, for a few minutes, can go a long way, and it will not be too much for you. Like I suggested before, when someone feels badly/ is displeased, and you feel guilty about it, ask yourself (you can ask in any one of your threads and I will be glad to help you with it), if there is any valid reason for you feeling guilty. Once the answer is No, without the mental agony involved with a Yes, or a Maybe answer, it will be easy for you to spend only a few minutes with a person who feels badly and move on from there.

anita

Dear Mary:

“My self-esteem has been practically nonexistent (as you may recall from previous posts of mine)“- as a matter of fact, a non-existent self-esteem is not what I noticed about you, starting with your first thread February 2019. What was very noticeable to me was that you automatically took the blame for other people’s feelings (feelings that you were not responsible for), feeling guilty about their feelings, apologizing and trying to make it up to them (people pleasing).. for what you were not guilty of.

Having re-read much of our previous communication this morning, it has a lot to do with what you expressed on March 2, 2022: “My parents, especially my dad…  tried their best from a young age to raise my sisters and I to be independent and not have to rely on anyone to help us through life. My dad was the more strict parent and would come down hard on us anytime we didn’t do great in school or were experiencing social problems. His initial reaction/comment anytime I tried to talk to him about something that happened, he would always start with ‘what did you do/say to them to make them do that to you?’ So I always felt like I was the reason for everything that goes wrong. I would feel guilty about all of it so I would apologize for things even beyond my control and that I know I wasn’t responsible for… I just never learned another way to express empathy without apologizing”-

-it seems to me, and correct me if I am wrong, that your parents, particularly your father, did well in instilling in you the positive value of being independent/ self-sufficient, and in that regard, you had some positive self-esteem, but he should have balanced his response to whatever went wrong in your social interactions with others by asking you not only what you said and did in the situation but what they said and did, and figure out your contribution to the situation as well as others’!

“I have a long road ahead of me… I have noticed small, but significant improvements… It’s not linear” (Nov 11, 2022)- this humility, attention to and appreciation of small improvements, and understanding that healing and improving is not linear, are all indications that you are indeed healing and improving.

“I’ve been doing some homework, as suggested by my therapist“- I didn’t know that therapists give homework until I had my first quality therapy experience in 2011. I now think that every therapist should assign homework to clients.

“I haven’t given it a second thought whether I’m conforming to someone else’s standards or not“- no more people pleasing… or I should say, no more displeasing (hurting yourself) for the purpose of pleasing others?!

“I just exist as I do in the moment“- the concept of Mindfulness is also something that my therapist in 2011 introduced to me.

“I think I’m surrounded by the right people at this stage in my life as well. So safe to say I’m doing better since we last talked“- it is of major importance to surround oneself with people who are right for you, and congratulations for healing and improving before we talked and since we last talked!

anita