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In Need of Advice

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  • #81675
    Brianna
    Participant

    Hi everybody,

    I hope you take the time to read this and possibly respond because I am quite a predicament here..
    I am 16 years old (I know I am young, please don’t comment pointing out how young I am.), almost 17. My boyfriend (now ex boyfriend) and I had been dating for (what would have been) three years this October… When we were in 8th grade, about 2.5 years ago, he had cheated on me with two of my casual friends, but granted these two girls were known to get around. His cheating went on for four months and I fell into my depression and anxiety pretty hard. After that, we both had said some pretty terrible stuff to eachother but had decided to work on things.. The past few years we had many great times and he was undoubtedly my best friend. I do struggle with self esteem issues, and two months ago I let my insecurities overthrow my logic and I cut off every form of contact with him after breaking up with him. I blindsided him and he tried his very hardest to work on what we had together, but I lost control of myself. I started smoking and drinking these past few months (I know the impacts these activities will have on me, so once again, not the point of this letter – don’t lecture me on it please!), and just this past month did it all hit me at once… I hit rockbottom basically. I do love this guy very much and we have a lot of history together, but why can’t I learn to trust him after what happened when we first started dating? Is it normal to be that hurt by an occurance like that? How can I get past that, if I can??

    Please help… I have tried talking to friends and my parents but they all either say they don’t know what I should do or give me the general, “Do what’s right for you.”, response. Thank you all so much!

    I love my tinybuddha family.

    #81702
    Sierra
    Participant

    First of all, I am so sorry that your first love had to go this way. My heart goes out to you so consider yourself to be virtually hugged. 🙂 Okay…now the tough stuff. Yes, you are young,but that isn’t meant to discount your feelings. I will always remember my first love and I think almost everyone does. By my saying that you are young I mean that you have so much living, loving, and learning to do. It seems your ex is very immature and quite incapable of the commitment that it seems you are looking for. He cheated on you with more than one girl and for four months. That is not even a mistake. That is a choice. Even adults who have had more experience in relationships would have a very hard time moving past that and trusting him again. I don’t think you let your insecurities overthrow logic when you broke up with him. I believe you had a moment of clarity and knew that this isn’t the kind of relationship that you want. Look at it this way….if your very best friend or sister came to you and laid it all out as you did here…what would you tell her she should do? Loving someone and deciding to walk away is very hard. Even when you know it is the best thing for you. Other than telling you the same thing that others have told you…ie: do what is best for you….I can only tell you what I would do. Consider what lessons you can take from this relationship, learn from them, and walk away from him. You will have more relationships and they will contain lessons too. They will all serve to teach you about yourself, others, and what you really want in a partner. Then when the right guy comes along you will be the right girl for him.

    #81706
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brianna:

    I like the way you asserted yourself in this post, stating clearly what you don’t want input on. I will respect that hoping by this little respecting of your assertion to enouarage you to continue to assert yourself as clearly and kindly as you have done here!

    Your anxiety and depression over your bf cheating on you a few years ago, even though you had a good long and close relationship with him after that- no further cheating and lots of closeness since, being best friends, indicates to me that you have a hurt that needs to be addressed, a hurt of a betrayal- most likely by a parent/s- from before you met your bf. His betrayal of a few years ago probably triggers, or brings to life THAT earlier hurt and betrayal. Anything to support my thinking here?

    anita

    #81732
    Brianna
    Participant

    First off,

    Thank you so much Sierra! It is hard being treated in a way that because I’m young, my feelings aren’t authentic. Thank you very much for your input, and it has definitely help me reevaluate this situation…

    And anita, thank you! I try to keep myself balanced out and also try to be confident in myself. As I read your reply, I began to analyze my younger years of life. I am adopted, so as a younger child I always doubted myself; I was constantly wondering if there were something wrong with me, something that would make my biological parents choose to “get rid of” me. I had also dealt with some very cruel, non-immediate, family members as a child as well and it does seem plausible that I could have unconciously built up some sort of self defensive hurt or an untrusting mindset.

    Thank you both so much, much love to you both! 🙂

    #81750
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brianna:

    How you evaluate a person as trustworthy or not, is one question. Your ex bf cheated on you in eight grade. For years after he did not? For years he’s been honest and loyal? He was in eight grade- if he changed his behavior,shown maturity and impulse control since, it will not be logical to judge him as untrustworthy based on his behavior in eight grade.

    There will always be an imperfect element in every single boy, young man and man you will ever meet. If you have the untrusting mind based on your earliest life experiences, you will attach that mistrust to any man you will be attached to. Automatically.

    So on one hand you need to address that “untrusting mindset” formed in early childhood and on the other realistically evaluate people for their trustworthingess or lack of. The two processes go together. Only when you address the first hurt, betrayal (or your belief in such) then you will be free from that so to SEE who the person in front of you really is, and if trustwrothy enough- then you will trust.

    When i was a child I wished, i used to wish to be adopted by another mother and live with another family. Can you imagine wishing to be away from your biological mother, wishing she did “get rid” of me? No point to this last sharing other than it came up for me.

    anita

    #81754
    Sierra
    Participant

    Brianna,

    You are quite welcome. I do acknowledge your feelings as being authentic because I fell in love for the first time when I was 15. We were together for 3.5 years. I still have a place for him in my heart and always will. So, I can relate to how you are feeling. Anita brought up a point to which I must have missed. I agree that if you have continued the relationship for years after the infidelity and there has been no re-occurrence, that does say that he has matured and quite possibly is worthy of your trust. Only you can decide if you are capable of giving him that. Although I was not adopted, I had abandonment and betrayal at a very young age. I understand those seeds of insecurity being planted early in life. You are much more self aware than I was at your age. I thought that I had dealt with those issues and many others that followed. However, I am just coming to realize in my 40’s that I didn’t deal, I avoided. Now I am trying to make my way through the other side. I applaud your maturity and ability to look inward and seek healing and growth. Please continue to work on yourself and find clarity.

    Sierra

    #81756
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * A note to Sierra: funny to me, you wanting Brianna to do what healing work she needs to do sooner than you have, you being in your forties and working on it? I am in my fifties, 54 to be exact, and I am thinking: I wonder if I can help Sierra, ten years or so younger than me in her healing, somehow, as I wish I made a better use of ten years much lost in what you called avoidance. I do wonder what you are working on, how you avoided and what you are dealing with… anita

    #81834
    Sierra
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I do not wish to overtake Brianna’s post by posting my long story here. However, I do plan on posting my own topic here soon. Suffice to say that I have dealt with various experiences that have hurt and damaged me in ways that have greatly affected my ability to feel happiness, contentment, and trust in my relationships. I equate my avoidance as having a large closet in the back of my mind. Whenever something bad happens I break down at first, but then I put that pain and emotion in a box. I take that box and shove it in the closet and shut the door. I do this fairly quickly. I had become so good at my apparent resiliency that I started to wonder if I was incapable of true and deep feelings. I figured that a “normal” person would not be able to bounce back so quickly and easily if true feelings had been involved. I only recently realized that I wasn’t bouncing back at all, but rather avoiding dealing with it altogether. Which we all know is not the same thing. I am beginning to understand that I have to emotionally and mentally go all the way back to the first hurt….working my way back to the present. I am currently in a relationship that my insecurities and trust issues…my walls….are threatening to destroy. I am as happy as I seem to be capable of at this point and I do not wish to jeopardize that now or in the future. Therefore, I am starting a journey towards saving myself and in turn,hopefully, save a possible happy future.

    Sierra

    #81840
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Sierra: looking forward to your separate post. I hope you explain there further how you put the pain and emotion in a box and shut the door and how that pain leaks through the box and outside the door.

    Brianna: how are you? WHat did you get out of thus thread and how are you at this point?

    anita

    #81909
    Brianna
    Participant

    anita: I am doing very well compared to how I was doing when I first posted this. I cannot thank you and Sierra enough for your support and solid advice. It means alot that you have both cared enough to talk this over with me and that you have both not looked down upon my feelings because I am “too young”. Thank you both so much. I will try to work through each issue that I’m facing a day at a time… Bless you both! xoxo

    #81912
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Brianna:

    You are welcome. Anytime- post more and I will respond.
    anita

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