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Inconsolable after sudden break up, desperately need advice

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  • December 14, 2016 at 10:13 am #122692
    Lisa
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I just wanted to ask your advice – especially from a male perspective – on a recent break up, which has left me completely heartbroken and struggling to move on.

    I became good friends with a guy last year and about 8 months ago we got together after admitting we had strong feelings for one another. And then came an incredible 7 months of growing even closer and falling even deeper for one another. We enjoyed loads of dates together, went to loads of shows and exhibitions, had spontaneous midnight walks and spent 3-4 days a week hanging out with each other after work/at weekends. He introduced me to his close friends vice versa, and even introduced his parents (he’s 35 and I’m actually the first girlfriend he’s introduced them to). Everything about this relationship just clicked – we had similar interests, sense of humour and outlooks on life, and I can say, hand on my heart, that this is the first time I’ve ever truly been in love. About 3 months ago, his work contract ended and he decided he wanted to try out working on a freelance basis, which has been his ambition for a while, however he’s had some underlying anxieties about not making it as a freelancer and basically failing before he even begins.

    So fast forward to about 5 weeks ago- he asked me to go away on a short break, and this was when he asked me to officially be his girlfriend. He also told me he loved me for the first time and that he’d never felt the same way about another woman. We spent the next seven days having an amazing time growing even closer. But then towards the end of our trip, he started behaving a little weirdly. As the holiday drew to a close, he said he thought it would be best for us to spend some time apart – and that I should go home earlier than planned – because he needed to ‘sort his head out’ and figure out what to do with his life work-wise. I could sense he was getting quite stressed because of a project he had been commissioned for, and agreed to his request as I didn’t want to inflame the situation (despite being pretty hurt by his actions). But later that night he turned around and said he was really sorry, and it that it was selfish of him to ask me to head home. He basically booked us two tickets home for the next day. After that, he seemed to de-stress completely and everything went back to normal. He was back to being his usual chatty, funny self and kept showering me with affection, telling me how much he loved me and couldn’t wait for “our next adventure together”.

    After we returned home, he walked me to my train, kissed me and told me he loved me. Later that night I texted him saying I hoped he got home safely but didn’t hear anything until the next evening – via email. In the email he said that he needed space from me while he figured out what to do with his life, and that during this time, I should avoid contacting him. The tone of the email was very ambiguous and didn’t say explicitly what this meant for our relationship. I asked him and his reply was simply “I’m sorry but I don’t see a future in our relationship. I hope that one day that we can be friends”.

    After receiving this bombshell, I was completely stunned and sick to my stomach. I couldn’t figure out how the hell someone could go from being so loving and kind to shutting me out like a complete stranger. I tried messaging and calling him to get a proper explanation but received no reply/answer to any of my calls. After that, I just left it and cut off all contact entirely as I didn’t want to risk making things worse. This was three weeks ago and I’ve heard no word from him. He’s kept me as a Facebook friend, and from what I can see on his profile, he’s going about life normally as if nothing had ever happened. This has annoyed and upset me considerably, however, every time I go to press the ‘unfriend’ button I can’t bring myself to do it.

    This past three weeks has been absolutely horrendous for me. It’s the first time I’ve ever experienced heartbreak. Every day feels like a constant battle; I wake up feeling empty and depressed, and unable to stomach food. I’ve lost weight and have been struggling to sleep properly (am lucky if I get 5 hours a night). It feels like a grieving process – that person I spoke to everyday and spent half my time with has suddenly just vanished from my life. I’ve been trying to distract myself as much as possible by seeing friends and keeping busy, but inevitably, when I’m on my own, my mind starts going into overdrive. I’ve been going over and over the situation in my head and trying to rationalise his behaviour, and figure out why the hell he built up this illusion of us having a future together, only to shoot it down in a cold and insincere two-line email. Before this he was the most amazing, caring and compassionate person, and definitely the last person on earth I would imagine being capable of being so cold-hearted. I get that he’s feeling insecure about his freelance career and I was nothing but supportive towards him. I told him countless times that I would give him some space if needs be.

    At this point, I genuinely have no idea what to do. I’m leaving it up to him to contact me in the hope he will have the decency to get in touch at some point early in the new year. The hardest part is not being given the opportunity to have some form of closure. Every day I wonder whether he feels any remorse for his actions and if he regrets doing what he did. I’ve given up hope in us getting back together, but deep down, I love him so much and really want this to work.

    I love him so much and want him to realise what he’s throwing away. I get that he needs space and am happy to give him as much time as he need to “figure things out”. But at the same time I’m not getting my hopes up.I’d really appreciate some advice, especially from a guy’s perspective, on how to deal with the situation.

    Firstly, do you think I should initiate contact if I don’t hear from him in the next couple of months? Secondly, can someone really just turn off their feelings completely and walk away from a relationship without any remorse or regret for treating their partner like that? Thirdly, if not now, do you think he’ll regret his actions, and the fact he threw away what he often called the “most amazing relationship” he’s ever had at some point in the near future?

    I will be incredibly grateful for any advice. Many thanks!

    December 14, 2016 at 10:41 am #122694
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lisaj:

    I am a woman but my perspective is not a woman’s perspective but a human’s perspective, so I hope to be helpful.

    1. At 35 he never introduced a woman to his parents. You were the first one. This may very well indicate that he has long term commitment problems. Somehow he took a step with you that he didn’t take before, introducing you t his parents. That was a step on a new road, a road of a committed relationship. Later he quit that road and left you there alone.

    2. The freelance work increased his anxiety and contributed to his decision to end the relationship. But ending it could have been brought up by any otherwise increase of stress in his life. With a new significant stress in his life, he unloads an old stress. (Clearly, his relationship with you caused him stress before, only you weren’t aware of it.. or were you?).

    3. Now, this is a more typically a man’s behavior (far from being every man’s behavior): he is able to compartmentalize his feelings. He is able to move on, having unloaded the old stress, he is clear and ready to proceed in a less-stressful living.

    * Question to you: do you know anything about his childhood, his relationship with his parents, past and present?

    I can attempt and answer your questions in the last paragraph, if you’d like. Let me know. Thoughts and feelings about my input so far?

    anita

    December 14, 2016 at 11:56 am #122700
    Lisa
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your feedback. It’s very insightful and does shed some light on why he’s behaving the way he is.

    To answer your questions:

    1) Before we got together, my ex had two long-term relationships. His last girlfriend didn’t treat him very well. From what he told me, she went through a bad divorce and I guess she unloaded all her anger/frustration about it on him. It ended with her distancing herself from him, then cutting him off cold (eerily, the exact same thing he has done to me). I think this did have a big impact on his self-esteem as it was the first girl he had a sexual relationship with, and he developed serious feelings for her. I guess this may have had some sort of knock-on effect on our relationship and how he’s treated me. In terms of our relationship, including the intimate stuff (not to go into too much detail), it upsets me because I worked so hard on building his confidence and making him feel more relaxed and at ease with himself.

    2) What your saying does make absolute sense and I guess rationalises his actions in some way. While we were going out, he did express some anxiety and insecurity about going it alone with his freelance career, but it was only towards the end of our trip that I saw the stress really show through. I guess now he’s actually doing it, the reality of “going it alone” is finally sinking in. What I don’t get though is why he dedicated so much time and energy into building our relationship, making all these commitments and assuring me that it wouldn’t affect our relationship, only to completely abandon it in the most cold, heartless way possible. I guess he didn’t anticipate it either. Do you think that, however many months down the line, once he’s gained some clarity and figured stuff out, he will want to reconnect with me? By then I worry it will be too late to salvage our relationship, and that any feelings he had for me will have faded. I personally don’t think “being friends” as he says, is a good idea.

    3) It upsets me to think that he may have already moved on. For a guy he’s usually very open and expressive with his emotions (I guess you could say he’s in touch with his feminine side), which is why this whole situation has taken me completely by surprise. We had a slight hiccup a few months ago, and I was about to walk away – to which he broke down in tears and begged me not to end things. He said he would be an idiot if he let me go and could see a long-term future in our relationship. Thinking back over things like this makes the whole situation so much more painful.

    * Question to you: do you know anything about his childhood, his relationship with his parents, past and present?

    To answer your query re my ex’s relationship with his parents:

    He has issues with low self-esteem and insecurity, which stem from his childhood. He had a difficult relationship with his dad, who was very demeaning towards him growing e.g. telling him he was stupid, which had a big impact on his confidence. They don’t talk to eachother anymore as his parents are now divorced and his dad has moved away. His mum, however, is great – the complete opposite of the father. She’s very outspoken and confident and has always been highly supportive of him and his ambitions. Incidentally, this is another thing we have in common – i.e. low self-confidence stemming from bad parental relationships. Similar to him, I grew up with a verbally abusive father who always demeaned me and my achievements – so I empathise completely with how he’s feeling and his need for space. I just don’t understand why he’s prepared to throw away our relationship, rather than just take a break.

    In terms of romantic relationships, he was a late bloomer having grown up in a very (outwardly) religious family. This has also impacted his confidence when it comes to meeting women, hence why he had his first relationship at the age of 26.

    I can attempt and answer your questions in the last paragraph, if you’d like. Let me know. Thoughts and feelings about my input so far?

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
    December 14, 2016 at 12:48 pm #122705
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lisaj:

    My thoughts:

    1) Regarding his childhood: his father was verbally demeaning to him but his mother was “the complete opposite of the father,” you wrote. She is ” very outspoken and confident” and “has always been highly supportive of him.” – that can’t be. If his mother was that outspoken and confident and always highly supportive of her son, she wouldn’t have allowed the father to demean him, repeatedly. She would have noticed her son’s distress, stopped the verbal (and any other) abuse and saved him (and you, in the relationship with him) a lot of pain and dysfunction.

    I suppose she APPEARS those things.

    2) He had two long term relationships before you, only in the second one did he have sex, later in life. You mentioned – I believe- sexual lack of confidence on his part, some dysfunction, at least for a while, in the relationship with you. I am thinking this problem stemmed from him being demeaned and emasculated by his father. For men, sexual dysfunction of any kind is extremely distressing and adds and magnifies any existing distress.

    3) You wrote: “What I don’t get though is why he dedicated so much time and energy into building our relationship, making all these commitments and assuring me that it wouldn’t affect our relationship, only to completely abandon it in the most cold, heartless way possible. only to completely abandon it in the most cold, heartless way possible.”

    Possible reason, a theory: his changing job situation increased his anxiety, which means, his anxiety not only regarding work was increased, but all of it. The anger and rage of a man feeling like less of a man is intense. He may have tried to hurt you. Why else, indeed, would he abandon you in “the most cold, heartless way possible”? Lashing out in anger, makes sense to me.

    Why did he make the commitments and assurances before? Theory: he was struggling- torn between the hope and love he did receive from you, which he wanted to continue, and the anxiety of not being man enough (work, play, every which way).

    What do you think at this point?

    anita

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