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Inconsolable after sudden break up, desperately need advice

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  • December 14, 2016 at 10:41 am #122694
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lisaj:

    I am a woman but my perspective is not a woman’s perspective but a human’s perspective, so I hope to be helpful.

    1. At 35 he never introduced a woman to his parents. You were the first one. This may very well indicate that he has long term commitment problems. Somehow he took a step with you that he didn’t take before, introducing you t his parents. That was a step on a new road, a road of a committed relationship. Later he quit that road and left you there alone.

    2. The freelance work increased his anxiety and contributed to his decision to end the relationship. But ending it could have been brought up by any otherwise increase of stress in his life. With a new significant stress in his life, he unloads an old stress. (Clearly, his relationship with you caused him stress before, only you weren’t aware of it.. or were you?).

    3. Now, this is a more typically a man’s behavior (far from being every man’s behavior): he is able to compartmentalize his feelings. He is able to move on, having unloaded the old stress, he is clear and ready to proceed in a less-stressful living.

    * Question to you: do you know anything about his childhood, his relationship with his parents, past and present?

    I can attempt and answer your questions in the last paragraph, if you’d like. Let me know. Thoughts and feelings about my input so far?

    anita

    December 14, 2016 at 11:56 am #122700
    Lisa
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your feedback. It’s very insightful and does shed some light on why he’s behaving the way he is.

    To answer your questions:

    1) Before we got together, my ex had two long-term relationships. His last girlfriend didn’t treat him very well. From what he told me, she went through a bad divorce and I guess she unloaded all her anger/frustration about it on him. It ended with her distancing herself from him, then cutting him off cold (eerily, the exact same thing he has done to me). I think this did have a big impact on his self-esteem as it was the first girl he had a sexual relationship with, and he developed serious feelings for her. I guess this may have had some sort of knock-on effect on our relationship and how he’s treated me. In terms of our relationship, including the intimate stuff (not to go into too much detail), it upsets me because I worked so hard on building his confidence and making him feel more relaxed and at ease with himself.

    2) What your saying does make absolute sense and I guess rationalises his actions in some way. While we were going out, he did express some anxiety and insecurity about going it alone with his freelance career, but it was only towards the end of our trip that I saw the stress really show through. I guess now he’s actually doing it, the reality of “going it alone” is finally sinking in. What I don’t get though is why he dedicated so much time and energy into building our relationship, making all these commitments and assuring me that it wouldn’t affect our relationship, only to completely abandon it in the most cold, heartless way possible. I guess he didn’t anticipate it either. Do you think that, however many months down the line, once he’s gained some clarity and figured stuff out, he will want to reconnect with me? By then I worry it will be too late to salvage our relationship, and that any feelings he had for me will have faded. I personally don’t think “being friends” as he says, is a good idea.

    3) It upsets me to think that he may have already moved on. For a guy he’s usually very open and expressive with his emotions (I guess you could say he’s in touch with his feminine side), which is why this whole situation has taken me completely by surprise. We had a slight hiccup a few months ago, and I was about to walk away – to which he broke down in tears and begged me not to end things. He said he would be an idiot if he let me go and could see a long-term future in our relationship. Thinking back over things like this makes the whole situation so much more painful.

    * Question to you: do you know anything about his childhood, his relationship with his parents, past and present?

    To answer your query re my ex’s relationship with his parents:

    He has issues with low self-esteem and insecurity, which stem from his childhood. He had a difficult relationship with his dad, who was very demeaning towards him growing e.g. telling him he was stupid, which had a big impact on his confidence. They don’t talk to eachother anymore as his parents are now divorced and his dad has moved away. His mum, however, is great – the complete opposite of the father. She’s very outspoken and confident and has always been highly supportive of him and his ambitions. Incidentally, this is another thing we have in common – i.e. low self-confidence stemming from bad parental relationships. Similar to him, I grew up with a verbally abusive father who always demeaned me and my achievements – so I empathise completely with how he’s feeling and his need for space. I just don’t understand why he’s prepared to throw away our relationship, rather than just take a break.

    In terms of romantic relationships, he was a late bloomer having grown up in a very (outwardly) religious family. This has also impacted his confidence when it comes to meeting women, hence why he had his first relationship at the age of 26.

    I can attempt and answer your questions in the last paragraph, if you’d like. Let me know. Thoughts and feelings about my input so far?

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    December 14, 2016 at 12:48 pm #122705
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear lisaj:

    My thoughts:

    1) Regarding his childhood: his father was verbally demeaning to him but his mother was “the complete opposite of the father,” you wrote. She is ” very outspoken and confident” and “has always been highly supportive of him.” – that can’t be. If his mother was that outspoken and confident and always highly supportive of her son, she wouldn’t have allowed the father to demean him, repeatedly. She would have noticed her son’s distress, stopped the verbal (and any other) abuse and saved him (and you, in the relationship with him) a lot of pain and dysfunction.

    I suppose she APPEARS those things.

    2) He had two long term relationships before you, only in the second one did he have sex, later in life. You mentioned – I believe- sexual lack of confidence on his part, some dysfunction, at least for a while, in the relationship with you. I am thinking this problem stemmed from him being demeaned and emasculated by his father. For men, sexual dysfunction of any kind is extremely distressing and adds and magnifies any existing distress.

    3) You wrote: “What I don’t get though is why he dedicated so much time and energy into building our relationship, making all these commitments and assuring me that it wouldn’t affect our relationship, only to completely abandon it in the most cold, heartless way possible. only to completely abandon it in the most cold, heartless way possible.”

    Possible reason, a theory: his changing job situation increased his anxiety, which means, his anxiety not only regarding work was increased, but all of it. The anger and rage of a man feeling like less of a man is intense. He may have tried to hurt you. Why else, indeed, would he abandon you in “the most cold, heartless way possible”? Lashing out in anger, makes sense to me.

    Why did he make the commitments and assurances before? Theory: he was struggling- torn between the hope and love he did receive from you, which he wanted to continue, and the anxiety of not being man enough (work, play, every which way).

    What do you think at this point?

    anita

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