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Is it a mid-life crisis?

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  • November 15, 2017 at 8:59 am #178163
    alibro991
    Participant

    About 7 months ago I decided to leave my husband after 19 years of marriage. We have two children 14 and 11 and I am still very much trying to stay a part of there lives. I did not leave them. The reason I left, I have many theories, but I just imagined myself having a different life. My husband is a good man and father, but we have been together for over 25 years when you include all the dating years. I just got sick of his attitude and he became very negative, judgmental and just all around no fun to be around. It started really when I turned 40. I wanted to have fun. I was a mother and wife but I wanted to go out and do things. My husband doesn’t drink. He is in recovery and I respected that for many, many years. Then I just got tired of living with a sober man. I started drinking more and going out with friends and having fun without him. I consider myself and attractive women and I always got attention from other men. Now I was really starting to like it. I started imagining myself on my own, dating someone who was fun, happy, kind. I did end up having an affair but I did not love the guy. But it made me want to leave my husband because I felt like it just wasn’t fair to him that I was not fully in the marriage. We went to counseling and he wanted to make things work, but my heart was just not in it. Fast forward to now, I love my apartment. I am lonely at times. I do miss the family life sometimes. I’m not even sure if I could go back now. I have really broken a lot of hearts like my family and parents and sisters. I do think I’m happier, but I question that I went temporarily insane by leaving. How do I come back from this? Mend my relationships and feel good about what I have done. I feel guilty a lot. Thanks for listening.

    November 15, 2017 at 9:39 am #178169
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear alibro991:

    I didn’t understand the part about your children, 14 and 11: are they living with your husband? What part do you play in their lives a and what are their responses to the separation?

    anita

    November 15, 2017 at 9:41 am #178171
    alibro991
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, I left the home and my children are living with my husband. I went to an apartment not too far from them. I still help out with carpool and school activities.  I also stay at the house with them every other week, and my husband goes to my apartment. We felt moving the kids back and forth to my little one bedroom was too stressful for them.

    Allison

    November 15, 2017 at 9:47 am #178177
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Allison:

    I don’t know about mid life crises: a quarter mid life crisis, a mid life crisis, and so on. These crises terms may be just a convenient way of thinking about what is going on so not to look at the basics of a situation.

    After all, what do we call a crisis in between the quarter  life one and the mid life one… but I digress.

    You wrote basically that your motivation to leave was that you wanted  to have  fun. When was the last time you had fun, how long have you lived not having  fun and how did you manage to do that, what kept you going with little or no fun?

    anita

    November 15, 2017 at 9:56 am #178183
    alibro991
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I think my idea of fun and my husband’s became very different.  We would go out to dinner and then go home. Where as I wanted to go out after dinner. Maybe go to a club. Stay out late. I guess my idea of fun is more of when I was in my college years. So that’s why I’m thinking mid life crisis.

    Allison

    November 15, 2017 at 9:59 am #178191
    alibro991
    Participant

    What kept me going was time just flew by being a wife and mother. I have been contemplating leaving for a least 3 years. I was waiting for my children to get older, then I was getting older. So I just went for it.

    November 15, 2017 at 10:05 am #178197
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Allison:

    You brought up a few things: one is your husband attitude that you are unhappy with. Then there is getting older and wanting to recapture youth (this lends credence to the mid life crisis after all, yes).

    Recapturing youth, you think this  is what it is?

    When you look in the mirror, in bright lights, what do you see?

    anita

    November 15, 2017 at 10:11 am #178205
    alibro991
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I feel like its a little more than just trying to recapture my youth. It wasn’t always horrible with my husband. But I just always imagined having a different life. One where I didn’t cook and clean after my husband and have to listen to him judging me and cutting me down when I was sad. I don’t mind cooking for my kids, but just resented him so much I had to leave. Does that make sense?

    Allison

     

    November 15, 2017 at 10:13 am #178207
    alibro991
    Participant

    My 14 yr old daughter is not taking the separation well. She is very angry with me for leaving. Even though I see her and talk to her daily. She just started therapy to talk about it so I really hope it helps her. She sees her Dad sad and it hurts her.

    November 15, 2017 at 10:22 am #178217
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Allison:

    Being judged and mistreated when you are sad is very distressing so it makes sense  to me that you wouldn’t want to be in a situation like that. Can you give an example of such judgment, what did he say and in what tone?

    Also, you wrote that you were not always horrible with your husband: how were you horrible with him?

    anita

    November 15, 2017 at 10:32 am #178221
    alibro991
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I meant that being married to my husband wasn’t always horrible. We had good times as well as bad. I guess he would always judge me when I drank to much or spent to much. Nagging mostly. When I would talk to him about things he was very rarely sympathetic and always managed to make it my fault. Just didn’t support me. I’m sure I was horrible with him and I learned a lot of bitterness from him also.

    Allison

    November 15, 2017 at 10:43 am #178225
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear  Allison:

    You wrote earlier that you broke a lot of hearts. The hearts that would concern me, if I was you,  would be the children’s hearts. There are many ways to break children’s hearts. One way is to fight in front of them, for children to witness their parents fighting (did you?). Another way is to show aggression to the children, physical or otherwise. Another yet, is to share too much with them, expressing one’s sadness too much so that the child tries to take care of the parent (does he share too much with the fourteen year old?)

    Depending on the nature  of the marriage, a separation is not necessarily the worst you can do to children, and  it may be the better option.

    You did write that you started counseling and that he was  willing to work on the marriage but your heart was  not in it. Do you want to share more about the nature of that counseling: how many times and how did it progress?

    anita

    November 15, 2017 at 10:44 am #178227
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t  get submitted  correctly…

    November 15, 2017 at 11:10 am #178231
    alibro991
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Actually yes, when my husband is feeling sad and crying. He often turns to my daughter for someone to talk to . It makes me so upset he does that. It also adds fuel to the hate she already has for me. Right after the affair, we went to counseling to work it out. It was not my first affair either. I cheated on him the first year we were married too. After that first affair, I was 100% committed to repairing the marriage. We came out of it better than ever. This second affair 18 years later, I’m not feeling committed to the marriage. In counseling, he was trying and I just was not. Then I decided to leave.

    Allison

    November 15, 2017 at 11:43 am #178233
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Allison:

    When your husband turns  to  your daughter for emotional support, he is  harming her. The kind of support he needs should be from a psychotherapist. A therapist would have the objectivity required to not get sucked into his emotions. She (or he) was trained at not getting too emotionally involved with the clients. Your daughter  does not have a way to protect herself from getting overly involved- she is … drowning in his pain. Is there any way for you to make this evident to him?

    I think psychotherapy for the two of you, for the purpose of making this very point clear to him, will be  of benefit- anything to make this clear to him.

    (Your affairs, the one at the beginning and the recent one, as regrettable as these are, must not be information available  to any of your children. They must be protected  from such information).

    I need to get away from the computer  for  about 16 hours. Please do share  anything else that may  be relevant and I will reply when I am back.

    anita

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