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Is it possible to still have a healthy relationship?

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  • March 6, 2016 at 4:41 pm #98213
    Phenixx
    Participant

    Well let me give you a little background history..
    I was born into an incredibly dysfunctional family. My mother had separated from my step dad for a short while and ended up getting pregnant by another man and then returned to my step dad. I just call him dad since he has raised me and I’m named after him.

    Growing up was pretty confusing and difficult for me. My mother was a heavy drinker back then and her and my dad had separated and got back together every couple years or so. My mom had serious depression issues and my dad was an evil narcissistic man who had it out for her. (I only realized this later). My dad would constantly talk about my mother in a very negative, demeaning way. And my two older sisters and I would just listen to it and sometimes agree with it.

    When I was around 5 my mother had separated from my dad and we moved to a different city so I could live with my biological father. Well we met and he had nearly killed my mother on a couple occasions and was an alcoholic drug user. It was pretty bad. I walked in on him strangling my mother and my mom told me to get the landlord and I did and he was put in jail for 2 years. My step dad ended up gaining full custody of us kids and moving us up north where my mother soon followed to be close to us.

    It was always hell listening to the names my dad called my mother and he was relentless in making sure I knew that he chose me, he didn’t have to take me. And that he loved me as his own…. but it never really felt like it.

    Also while I was growing up my mother had attempted suicide on four occasions that I recall, the last one being when I was twelve and I remember my dad laughing like it was some sort of joke “oh she’s at it again”…. I was crying so hard when I seen her in the hospital. My mother and I were very close… so it was heartbreaking to know that she wanted to Take her own life.

    As I got older into my teens my dad and I grew farther apart. Hed called me all sorts of names and say I’m just like my mother like it was a bad thing. My mom had begun dating someone new whom she had a baby with and around this time he was 1/2 and I was around 14. She ended up telling me she was moving and begged me to come. She was crying to me because she was afraid of what would happen to me if I stayed but I told her I couldn’t leave that I had my sisters there and my life there.

    And so it wast really brought up again. In the summer of 2010 my dad had decided to take us across country for a few weeks to see my aunt and when it was time to come home and go to my mom’s, I soon realized that she did move.. without saying goodbye. And my dad just told me that she didn’t love me and abandoned me and I believed it for a very long time.

    A year after this we ended up moving to a bigger city where I began to explore and experiment with new people who did drugs and drank often and soon that became my escape. I kept dating guys who didn’t care or love me at all. They just got my drunk and wanted to have sex with me and cheated on me frequently and I’d still go running back to them. Eventually I became unfaithful in that whirlwind of shit and it truly broke me down. I ended up dating another guy shortly after that breakup and his whole family used drugs and drank and I thought it was normal… that’s how screwed my perception was. I seen these people as my support and family…and they were for that time period.

    Then one weekend after I thought I had overdosed on ecstacy, my mother’s husband was driving through the city to get back to his province. We met up for coffee and I spilled the beans on everything. I told him I was a drug user and a drinker and I didn’t ask for help… but he offered me to come back to stay with my mother and I jumped on the opportunity even though I was terrified. So I ended up in a new province, with my mother my brother and her husband. A year and 4 months later… I’m sober and clean and I’ve cut ties with my step dad. I couldn’t handle talking to him. He made it all seem like anything I’ve done was my fault and I can’t blame him but he made a huge impact on how crappy I felt about myself. He basically encouraged me to fuck my life up.

    After all these crazy relationships with my parents and with guys… I feel like I’m almost unable to make a true connection with someone or fall in love properly. I’m afraid that guys will only see me as broken or screwed up if they knew about my past…. not like I need a relationship now but I have always dreamed of getting married and having children. Is it even possible to fully heal from all of this? And what are some steps that maybe you have taken to let go or overcome hardship? I’ve been going to counselors and I talk frequently but I still feel broken inside… and I still feel upset about the facade I had lived in for so long…

    Any advice or tips would be great I’m sorry if my story was long and confusing… still is to me! Lol. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Phenixx.
    March 6, 2016 at 7:04 pm #98221
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Phenixx:

    Yes, it is possible to heal from such an incredibly difficult childhood of neglect, abuse and chaos. It is possible through a process that I believe will require psychotherapy with a competent, caring, hard working psychotherapist like the one I had, finally, five years ago.

    There are different areas to the healing: there is the need to stop destructive habits. This can be done in the context of self help groups such as 12 step groups, AA (the original 12 step group) and those adopting the AA format (ACA for example, if it still exists, stands fro Adult Children of Alcoholics and is a 12 step program).

    Then there is a need to learn skills such as calming yourself when overwhelmed. It is also called emotional regulation, enduring strong feelings without automatically reacting to them. Attending slow yoga class, Tai Chi, guided meditation sessions.. these can help in this regard as well as aerobic exercise, and distractions such as taking a walk, a hot bath, etc.

    And there is insight into the past and your current relationships with family members, limiting or ending those.

    Please do let me know if you need any more of my input and take good care of yourself!

    anita

    March 6, 2016 at 7:44 pm #98224
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi there Phoenix,

    The story of your life really touched me! Truly did.

    Wow, incredibly sad everything you had to go through. You’re not alone, I went through a lot and saw a lot of fucked up things as well. At least both of us can relate, that our life growing up wasn’t perfect but we made it out alive thankfully.

    Anyway, back to you – While you were young, you did the best that you could do and even if some of the decisions you made in the past weren’t great. It isn’t your fault, it’s part of life for us to make mistakes when we are teenagers and young adults. It’s how we grow, it’s how we learn, it’s how we get better, it’s how we learn to make better decisions, it’s how we choose to to become better people and learn who is right for us. We learn what love is and we learn what we don’t want to ever happen again, once we escape our teens and our 20’s. Although life isn’t an easy journey, full of many ups and down, it’s how we conquer every hurdle thrown at us but still manage to succeed emotionally. And that is by still being compassionate and loving towards yourself and towards others.

    When you see true love, it scares you because you’re not used to it and feel you’re not deserving of it. So you runaway because it’s an unknown feeling. Different from the craziness and chaos but you learned and at least you’re awake and conscious of it. Conscious of the people you don’t want to surround yourself – My last sentence is directed towards the people that took advantage of you while you were intoxicated etc. Let me say this Phoenix, you are no different or less than any of the rest of us. None of us here are perfect, all of us here have made mistakes and still learning… We are all equal here and you deserve love, you are worthy of it always and you are worthy of living a beautiful life with someone that you love. You are always worth and deserving of love & affectionate.

    I’m glad you got away from your dad and I’m glad you got away from your Mom. Hurts me to think you had to see and endure all that when you were so young. I’m really happy that you are no sober and clean. You should feel so very proud of yourself too! <3

    Phoenix, your step-dad has no right to judge you or criticize you. You are beautiful inside and out hun, always remember that!

    He made it all seem like anything I’ve done was my fault and I can’t blame him but he made a huge impact on how crappy I felt about myself. He basically encouraged me to fuck my life up.

    “After all these crazy relationships with my parents and with guys… I feel like I’m almost unable to make a true connection with someone or fall in love properly. I’m afraid that guys will only see me as broken or screwed up if they knew about my past…. not like I need a relationship now but I have always dreamed of getting married and having children. Is it even possible to fully heal from all of this? And what are some steps that maybe you have taken to let go or overcome hardship? I’ve been going to counselors and I talk frequently but I still feel broken inside… and I still feel upset about the facade I had lived in for so long…”

    Phoenix, you WILL make a true connection with someone special, as long as your willing and give love a chance and you WILL fall in love properly. You are NOT broken or screwed up. What happened in the past, is now in the past. Every day we have a clean slate to start all over again. Everyone has been through some fucked up things, whether they are willing to admit that or not. Nobody’s past is squeaky clean. You WILL heal hun, if you allow yourself to remember that your past doesn’t define you. And you WILL get married and have children if that is what you wish. You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to. 🙂

    You are a beautiful soul, never EVER forget that each day you wake up or having a hard time in life. Always remind yourself that you are worthy & deserving of love and the life you wish to have in your very near future! <3 You are NOT broken and will always be just as equal to anybody else in this world hun, ALWAYS and FOREVER. <3

    This story was not long, no need to apologize what-so-ever. I very much enjoyed reading it, so very touching to read because you are definitely not alone in all this. As growing like I said before, wasn’t easy either. My experiences stem long but is something I only wish to share in person with the love of my life – My future wife. I love her so so much <3

    My tips that have helped me overcome hardships;

    1. I took control over my own life and understood that I could be happy making my own life and I did. I succeeded because I never gave up, regardless of the failures beforehand.

    2. I love myself every day and remind myself that I am worthy of love & affection.

    3. I got rid of bad influences and users.

    4. I create a vision board every new year in January will all my goals for the year and look at it every day.

    5. I don’t allow fear to control my life anymore.

    6. I forgave my parents for their mistakes but created healthy boundaries with my 1 parent who is still alive.

    7. I spend most of my time outdoors in the sun.

    8. I started to respect my body by eating foods that are raw and alive. Still fine tuning a few things.

    9. I remind myself to always get in ouch with nature, as it’s a reminder of how we are perfect inside and alive just like nature. I find all types of tree’s to be beautiful, they give us oxygen. I fall in love with nature each and every day. When I see a bee, I feel incredible love for that bee because it’s rare to see one but mostly because we’d be nothing without bee’s. They give us food and they give us life.

    10. I always have love and compassion for people. Even if i don’t particularly care for certain people, I still wish them love and compassion in my heart.

    11. I forgive. Regardless.

    12. I still and will always believe in myself and the future I am going to make for myself and have. My past doesn’t define me and neither should yours. We have 1 life to live and I am going to live it being HAPPY. Regardless of obstacles ahead and regardless of my past. I will never give up on myself and will continue every day to love myself and be happy. No matter what.

    Phoenix, I hoped my tips have helped you. If there’s any more advice I can give you, please don’t hesitate to ask me on here.

    Sending you lots of love, positivity and light your way. 🙂

    M.

    March 6, 2016 at 8:03 pm #98227
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I apologize about the typo’s. I need to start proof reading more often. I’m really happy that you are sober and clean. You should feel so very proud of yourself too! <3

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