Dear Francis:

I want to re-read your posts and see what I overlooked, and if I can add anything. You opened your original post with a question: “if I should try to reconcile with someone or at least get closure“.

To reconcile, means to make amends, come to a truce, or settle a dispute. I want to see what was broken, what was the dispute, and was there an argument or a fight that needs to come to a truce:

You shared that you serve in the military and will be graduating a 6-month training course later this month, January 2022. During these 6 months, you became “close friends” with a girl in the training unit, a friendship that you very much valued.

Within the friendship, you developed “an interest” in her and told her so. If I understand correctly, she expressed to you that she didn’t feel the same way. In response, (1) you made it clear to her that you were “ok that she didn’t feel the same way“, and (2) you told her that “the training environment isn’t the place for this kinda stuff“.

She agreed with you and “expressed she wanted to remain friends as well“. But she distanced herself from you and behaved in a flaky way, unlike before. The friendship was not “back to normal“, and there was awkwardness, “she just couldn’t see me as a friend anymore“, you wrote.

“I made a huge mistake which was getting into an argument with her about this which caused the communication and friendship to completely die” – an argument, a huge argument that ended all communication with her: this is the part I overlooked yesterday.

It’s been two months since that huge argument and the two of you didn’t talk since. During these two months, you “eventually came to the realization and understanding of her side of things, I should have respected her space better“.

In your last post, you asked: “would closure through a letter be a good idea? Like, write her a letter on the day we leave the detachment just to apologies for not realizing what I was doing and also to explain what my intentions were” –

–Wikipedia on sexual harassment in the military reads: “Some example definitions in use by state armed forces are: *Australian Defence Forces: Unwanted sexual advances or sexual requests towards to another person, * British Army: Unwanted sexually based conduct or other conduct affecting the dignity of women and men at work, * Canadian Armed Forces: Improper conduct directed at and offensive to others, which the perpetrator ought reasonably know would be so….”-

– I can see how the huge argument that you had with her, given the topic of the argument included your “interest” in her that went beyond friendship, can easily be considered by your higher ups in the military as improper conduct directed at and offensive to her, a conduct that you ought to have reasonably known would be offensive to her, and otherwise, be considered an unwanted sexual advance, or an unwanted sexually based conduct that affected her dignity at work.

Taking all of this into consideration, my thoughts: it is okay for you to hand her a letter apologizing for your behavior (do not list behaviors that can possibly be considered sexual harassment!), letting her know that you are very sorry for any and all discomfort that you caused her, let her know that you are no longer expecting a friendship with her, and that you value the friendship you had before. Close with wishing her well during the remaining training and beyond.

Another suggestion: do not repeat the mistake of venturing again beyond friendly interactions with female military personnel: see to it that nothing in your behavior with female personnel can possibly be considered improper or offensive.

anita

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