I do believe in self love. I do believe in confidence, I believe in passion, I believe you should do whatever you can that makes you happy. I do not believe that a relationship should fill any void within you, and I believe you have to know yourself and be ok with being alone before you can share your authentic self with another person. I also realise my situation is not that drastic. I am 23 and I have never had a relationship. There are far greater problems and I am still young. Its just I meet a lot of guys, I am a little introverted but I like to go out and meet people.

The thing is I have met some really great guys and I don’t really know where it goes wrong… when I realise I do have feelings for someone its just a bit overwhelming and I wind up not being able to be myself because I’m too caught up with fear of rejection and vulnerability, and also nervous hope that maybe we could have a real connection. I know these feelings are natural, and what makes love so special. Its just I think a big part of the problem lies with me, that these fears govern my personality and behaviour when I am around someone I like and I can’t relax and be myself, and I think it shines through when you are trying to compensate by talking too much or barely speaking at all. So it never lasts and it makes it difficult not to feel inadequate at times. I also always feel the need to cut all strings if anything goes wrong which can be frustrating…and it makes me wonder if perhaps I am good at instigating drama and turmoil rather than a healthy trusting relationship. I try my best not to compare myself with others but sometimes I wonder why other people can have relationships and I can’t..of course I am happy for them, and other people being happy does not take from my happiness. But I try to live life in the most fulfilled way I can. Its hard sometimes to see the difference between me and those in happy healthy relationships.

but there is another factor to admit to… I really want to be physically desired which is horrible to admit but I can’t dissociate myself from it..its a ridiculously shallow vicious circle. I wear make-up so I feel as though I’m cheating if someone does think I’m pretty (I don’t have good skin) but at the same time I came home from a club last night and cried and cried because I didn’t get attention from strangers I may never see again. Even with my guy friends who I don’t want to be with romantically, I still want them to desire me, which is not only narcissistic on my account, but its actually distanced some really amazing guys who were great friends that tried to make something happen which I wasn’t interested in.. I just like the attention and the idea of someone flirting with me. This isn’t truly who I am or what makes me happy…maybe I need to connect more with my authentic self and discover a little more.. any insights would be appreciated (even if its to tell me to wake up and get over myself because I’m only 23:)