Hi all. Jealousy is something that I’ve dealt with all my life. Particularly when it comes to tangible things. My family never had money. We moved from apartment to apartment, barely scratching by. I myself had to work 3 jobs while in high school just to help. I never had anything fancy, and I never had the stability that comes from having a safety net, or parents that you could rely on, in terms of finances.
Regardless of these things, I’ve recently graduated with a bachelors in Public Health, and am applying for my doctorates in Physical Therapy. Career-wise, jealousy doesn’t hold me back. It makes me stronger, and makes me want to work harder to overcome all the adversity that was thrown into my face; and also I really need to help my parents. Unfortunately, their situation is getting worse and worse.
What jealousy does affect are my relationships. Anything my boyfriend had growing up, or any kind of help he gets from his wealthy parents, I envy, and that throws me into this self deprecating cycle where I curse my situation, I curse my past, and I start wishing, why couldn’t my parents be successful. Why can’t i relax like you? Why do I have to work 5 times harder to achieve the same results? These feelings set in a depression that takes days to get off. I have a habit of victimizing,and feeling sorry for myself.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We moved in with each other after the first year. During the first year, I tried my hardest to push these feelings aside, knowing that nothing good could come of it. the last year of the relationship, well that has been a struggle. He went to private school his whole life. His undergraduate education alone cost a quarter of a million dollars. He got a brand new car once graduating. His phone is paid for. Insurance is paid for. EVERYTHING IS TAKEN CARE OF. Me? I’ve been completely independent since I was 18. I could never ask my parents for help. Hell, they ask ME for help.
Being around my boyfriend, working a full time job, while taking classes, while preparing for graduate school applications… I am jealous of him. I’m jealous of the support he gets, I’m jealous of how calm and stressed free he gets to be. And I know this isn’t his fault. This isn’t anybody’s fault, its just how the cards were dealt. Issues come up with money all the time. I’m constantly comparing his expenses to mine, the degree of hours spent working, how much free time and extra cash he has to go play golf 4 times a week. We go over to his parents house, and I see his mother hanging around the pool, sipping wine. His father, playing golf everyday and having such a wonderful life. It is a constant reminder that my family is suffering right now, barely hanging onto a place to live. Its not fair. And you can imagine the kind of arguments that would arise from these issues.

How can I get rid of these feelings? Why can’t I just be happy to be with a man who is sweet, and caring, and would do anything for me. I’d probably be worse off without him. Why can’t I appreciate what I do have, and know that I’m doing my best to better myself and my situation. The grass is always greener where you water it, but this damn lawn is taking forever to grow.