My boyfriend and I have been together for over three years. He is the love of my life. We both are in graduate school. He is getting his PhD in Chemistry and I am getting my doctorate in occupational therapy. Over the past summer we didn’t see each other much because I was on clinical rotations and we both took separate vacations with family or school related trips. We didn’t talk much and I felt we started giving up on each other. Eventually I confronted him and he said only part of him loved me and the other was so consumed with work and didn’t want to try anymore. I asked if there was anyone else in the picture, he said that he went for coffee with a new girl in his chemistry program, but that it was just to introduce her to the program. Two weeks went by and my anxiety was through the rough about the whole thing, I decided to break up with him because I couldn’t sleep and lost over 10 lbs because of stress. I needed to focus on graduate school. As I broke up with him I told him that I loved him, but I deserved more than being an option, I deserved someone who wanted to be here 100%.

We broke up for 5 weeks and eventually I got a text from him saying how much he missed me and wanted to see me. We met up to talk and he explained to me that during the summer that he worked 12 hour days, 6-7 days a week and he felt immense amount of pressure from his professors to make progress with his chemistry research. He felt he was living on auto-pilot and that he was depressed. We rarely see each other, so that didn’t help. He never really opens up about his feelings and he wasn’t sure what was going on inside himself. He just felt so empty all the time, but didn’t know how to articulate that. When I left apparently he drank and smoked weed every single day, because the pain was too great. He doesn’t have friends in graduate school, because chemists usually isolate themselves. He doesn’t talk about personal things with his coworkers either. He started to distract himself and apparently that girl he had coffee with asked him out on a date, so he accepted. His roommate told him to experience and date other women so he forced himself to go on these dates with this girl to just try to feel an ounce of something other than pain. Every time he was with her he was drunk and high, he fooled around with her a couple times and ended up sleeping with her when he was extremely drunk. He told me he regrets it everyday and hates himself for what he has done. He told me he did it as a distraction from the pain and soon realized it wasn’t healthy. He went to a park to find out what was important to him and all he thought about was me and how much of a mistake he made.

When he told me this I lost it. I lost my virginity to him, so I was devastated. I understand to a point why he did it, but it hurt so much. I decided to take him back because clearly he was sorry and we weren’t together. Yet there was so much anger inside of me I asked for a hall pass to sleep with another woman (I am bisexual). I have had a girlfriend before but we never did anything so part of me was curious what it was like. The next week I slept with someone and told him about it before I did it, the next day I did it again and didn’t tell him until the next day. I cheated. I was so enraged that I acted completely out of character, completely sober. I hate myself for my actions. I still hate myself for my actions.

This was 5 months ago. I still feel terrible about everything, but not as bad as before. I have more good days than bad days. He is doing everything in his power to know that I am loved, holds my hand when I am anxious and we have been communicating a lot more about our feelings. I have learned more about him the past 5 months than I have the past 3 years together. He has really opened up to me and has been my rock lately. Graduate school can really affect relationships and self-esteem.

My question is why are these anxious, angry feelings still lingering? Shouldn’t they be gone by now? And am I making the right decision by deciding to work on my relationship rather than finding someone new to start a relationship with?

Have a wonderful day my Tiny Buddha people.