Anita,

Thanks for you response! I have been working on my forgiveness of those I have felt wronged me so that I can release myself from being the victim. I forgave my ex-boyfriend 2 years ago, because I felt that the reason he hurt me was because he was hurting so much himself. He ended up in a psychiatric ward, so I learned later that there was much more affecting him, and I felt that he wasn’t in a rational mind when he hurt me. I didn’t forget his actions, but I did forgive him.

When it comes to the friends, the only place I see them is sometimes on facebook (through mutual friends). When I see pictures of them, I get so angry and just want them to suffer like they made me suffer. After they kicked me out of the group, I found other friends and tried to get over it. But the group of ex-friends was large and prominent in our college culture. If we ran into each other on campus (which was very small), they would say nasty things to me, wouldn’t come near me, and some even tried to fight me. A few nights after the whole “wall” incident, one even camped outside my ex’s door with a bat to defend him in case I came to talk. It was truly ridiculous and I know that, but it didn’t make it any easier for me. It didn’t matter how much I tried to get away from it, we always crossed paths.

I could understand a bit that they thought my ex was hurt more and that they would try to support him. But I don’t understand why they treated me the way that they did. Why they continued to be nasty to me even after my ex left the school. With others I have forgiven, I could rationalize their motives and that helped. With this group of people, I keep trying to tell myself that it made me stronger, and pushed me to find better friends and boyfriends in my life. But every time I think about it, it still makes me so angry.

Hi Anita,

I will do my best to share as much as I remember. Unfortunately, that was a rough time and I used alcohol to help me through it. So my memory might be a little foggy, but here it goes! So the main players in this issue were myself, my boyfriend (we’ll call him Drew) and my best friend (we’ll call him Brad). Brad had a front row seat to mine and Drew’s relationship, as we hung out together all the time. He saw many of the abusive situations and was supportive to me during those times. I think the real issues started after my boyfriend and I broke up. Shortly after school began, I found out Drew had been seeing other girls. We broke up, but still remained in the same friend group. Brad and I became much closer than him and Drew. Drew, Brad and I continued to go to the same parties and hang outs, but Drew and I would sometimes fight during these parties. I think I said above, it was becoming clear that Drew had some serious issues to work out, aside from being abusive. Everyone in our friend group became more concerned after we broke up, including myself. I still cared about Drew even if I didn’t want to be with him, and along with my friends tried to help him through this time. But I think they were getting frustrated about us fighting. I don’t remember exactly what was said, but I remember everyone being tense about it. It was a night like any other when the “wall” incident happened. We were at a friend’s hanging out, and I left early. Drew called me to come back to talk, and well…the abuse hit it’s peak. I didn’t want to ruin another night for my friends, and before I left, I knew everyone was having a good time. I figured that if I waited until the morning to tell them, maybe we could find more serious measures (such as therapy, or talking with his parents) to help Drew. The next morning at breakfast, I came up to Brad and some others and said “hey, can we talk? Something happened last night between me and Drew.” At that point they claimed that they already heard and wanted nothing to do with me. I was no longer welcome to hang out with them. I tried multiple times to talk about it with Brad, but he just brushed me off. I then went to some other friends I had (outside of this group) to find support. Meanwhile, my ex-friends were spreading rumors about me being a horrible person. Nothing specifically that I was told, but just that I was crazy and made other people crazy. Shortly after this, Drew was committed to a psych ward for attempted suicide. I went to visit him, because he requested it, and I felt so bad for him. Whenever I would run into my ex-friends there, they would pretend I wasn’t there or make scowls at me. Drew left the school not long after that. But for the next few years, my ex-friends still made comments about how horrible I was, and included new people into their group. People I had never met or weren’t even at the school during these year were pissed at me for what “I did to Drew” and the group of friends, and I never knew why.

As I’ve been doing some thinking about this, I may have hit some resolutions. Maybe Drew said something outrageous to my friends about what happened that night, something that would make them believe that I was lying the next morning. Maybe they were just mad at me for causing the fights which ruined their good time. Maybe they just felt they had to help Drew and I would be ok. I’m not sure any of this makes sense, considering the prolonged remarks that were made even after Drew was gone. Hopefully Anita or someone else can shed some more light on the situation. Thanks for all of your support and giving me a safe space to find closure!