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June 24, 2018 at 11:41 am #213933
SraTBParticipantHi all,
In another month, I will be taking a break from a career of 26 years. I lasted 24 years in my current job. I have been feeling burnt out and struggling to make a go of having to deal with a subject that did not appeal to me, but went on and on because of various doubts and fears.
My employer is now offering redundancy. Initially, they seemed willing to let me go, and even offered me a consulting gig. But then they asked me to stay back, take long leave and reconsider the whole situation. I thought over it but again asked them to consider giving me redundancy. (I would get some money, and I didn’t really want to come back to this schedule and subject – I didn’t say this.) Finally, I will be signing my redundancy orders tomorrow.
I can’t help feeling that I’ve let my employer down, he was kind enough to counsel me and say we don’t want you to go and I’m not sure how to face him for the next one month. (This person is a recent manager so I have minimal contact with him.) I can’t also help feeling that I’ve closed an important door – one that would have me back, and that somehow I’ll be taught a lesson and regret what I’ve done.
I don’t regret taking the decision but am afraid of being unoccupied/unemployed in the future. My family thinks I’ll go nuts. I don’t intend to give up working, just want to do the kind of stuff that comes easy to me, but have been getting worried about it myself – will I find opportunities to keep myself occupied, will I ever make any money again, and so on.
How can I handle this? Thank You.
June 24, 2018 at 11:59 am #213935SraTBParticipantI have to add that I also saw myself going nowhere in this job. It had been my ambition to be known for a certain talent, while I came to be sought after for another. These demands were weighing me down, and I felt like one of my major “attractions” was how I could be a replacement for whoever went away and left an empty space behind – and that didn’t make me feel good.
June 25, 2018 at 6:17 am #214019
AnonymousGuestDear StraTB:
“Leaving work after 24 years” is scary, I understand. It is a drastic change.
You wrote that it had been your ambition to be known for a certain talent but developed and were sought after for another talent. What was the first talent, the one you wanted to be known for?
What was the second talent, the one you were sought after for, and what is your future planning regarding these two talents?
anita
June 25, 2018 at 11:26 am #214065SraTBParticipantHi Anita,
Writing first, and rewriting. I have no firm plans, except vague plans to pursue #1 as a larger life goal and write about subjects I always wanted to but could not (as I had to be mindful of my primary work demands) and #2 to make some money, to get by and keep myself occupied. Here again, I have no committed offers. I just plan to take some time off and see what the market is like. Long journey ahead for which I don’t know if I have the patience and the strength to weather disappointments.
June 25, 2018 at 12:33 pm #214071AnonymousGuestDear SraTB:
I need to get away from the computer and will be back in about fifteen hours . I hope other members reply to you before (and after) I return. If you would like, please share more about your vague plans in regard to writing and weathering disappointments.
anita
June 25, 2018 at 12:58 pm #214075SraTBParticipantWell, the plan is to de-stress first but I’m sure I won’t be able to. I’m already looking at resources/places which need these kind of jobs to be done. And I’m sure there will be quite a bit of rejection or silence from the people I approach, not least because I might be too senior or qualified – that’s the disappointment part. I have been looking for jobs in these areas since the last year but with little response.
I also am toying with the idea of getting qualified in a completely different field just because it would give me something to do for a few days, but it’s very expensive, I’m not even sure I’m serious about it or can build up a practice. I’m not someone who can sell myself – which is why I haven’t been successful in the way I wanted to be.
I’m not too worried about money. I can survive if I’m prudent – but I want to earn because people are going to think – and say – that I threw it all away – and I don’t want to go on having to explain or contradict that.June 26, 2018 at 3:59 am #214197AnonymousGuestDear SraTB:
A summary of your share: next month, July 2018, you will take a break from your 26 year old career, 24 years in your current job which has not appealed to you for quite a while, staying in it “because of various doubts and fears”. You took (by now) the redundancy option over a long leave.
You feel guilty for letting your employer down and you are “afraid of being unoccupied/unemployed in the future”, of not making money again. You wrote: “My family thinks I’ll go nuts”.
Your ambition has been to “write about subjects I always wanted to but could not… (because) of my primary work demands”.
About your writing plans, you wrote: “vague plans…to take some time off and see what the market is like”. You believe it will be a “Long journey ahead for which I don’t know if I have the patience and the strength to weather disappointments… rejection or silence from the people I approach”. You already approached people last year, looking for jobs in the area of writing “with little response”.
You are also considering getting qualified in a completely different field but you are not someone who can sell herself, you wrote. You are not too worried about money and you are concerned that “people are going to think-and say- that I threw it all away”
My input:
1. Regarding your family saying that you will go nuts being unemployed and people saying that you threw it all away: what your family and other people think and say, better not be that important to you. They may very well be wrong. But believing what they say will hinder you. Better not communicate with people on the matter so to not be hindered further.
2. You left your job because you were miserable in it. Reads to me that you were miserable in it for a long, long time and you persisted until you couldn’t take it anymore. I think you longed for too long to express yourself authentically, and you didn’t, at that job. Seems to me that you did your very best to endure the job you left. And so, if I was you, I wouldn’t look back. Back to my first point above, people who think you threw it all away do not know how frustrated you felt for so very long, how you already tried to hold on to that job.
3. I think you should have a plan to deal with the anxiety involved in your new life situation, maybe have a daily schedule, a routine, so that you feel you have something to hold on to. Maybe incorporate a daily long walk or yoga or other exercise. Practice Mindfulness, more and more so, every day. Continue to pursue being published, being a writer. Put your heart into your writing, this is your authentic expression, what you longed for years and decades.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.
anita
June 26, 2018 at 11:13 am #214277SraTBParticipantThank you, Anita, for responding, and your correct interpretation of my situation. About a month ago, I was actually quite looking forward to the free time, the search for a project/ part-time gig and all that – I even surprised myself by feeling that way, because I’m not optimistic by nature or someone who enjoys challenges. But I don’t know why, it doesn’t excite me now. All I can think is, how will I live the rest of my life without something solid to do? And if every assignment I seek ends in failure?
I understand why you said I should have a daily routine, but I feel it isn’t enough. I need to be doing something external – like work for someone or get published, be useful – to feel worth it.
It may be jitters, but I fear I may come up against walls. I was telling myself I would travel a bit but the thought doesn’t excite me now. I feel I should be looking for something to do, not enjoying myself, and that every day spent in pleasure/relaxation will drive me further away from a productive life.
June 26, 2018 at 11:18 am #214281AnonymousGuestDear SraTB:
About a month ago when you looked forward, excited about having free time, you weren’t afraid. Not then. Now that you have or about to have free time, you are scared. When we are scared, positive excitement goes out the window, motivation is gone, optimism is gone and all we care about is to feel safe again, or safer. For you, relative safety was in working, so you are looking for that again.
I suppose it is about fear, as much of life is just about that, what we fear and how much we fear. What do you think to be doing next?
anita
June 26, 2018 at 12:11 pm #214307SraTBParticipantWhat I’ve said earlier, look for something to do. Keep trying, but am afraid I’ll be put off by rejection, and I don’t want the rejection to happen because I don’t trust myself to stay strong. I’m thinking of non-profit work as well, but as a stop gap.
Sometimes I think – if I couldn’t get what I wanted/become who I wanted to in a workplace that became home, in a way, can I get it outside? Can I change my personality? Or will the unfamiliarity of the outside world I’m about to enter make me react differently, ask for opportunities more boldly, persevere? Someone once told me that merely changing jobs won’t help as our karma follows us and we make the same mistakes everywhere. Someone else said a change of scene can help us make fresh beginnings.
If I need to be an independent operator, I need to ask people if they want my services, contact people and see if they have any leads – that is a whole new life awaiting me. I keep thinking I may succeed here and there but then again, I don’t know how long it will take. I also don’t want to go back to the old job – if there’s an offer – in a hurry. That would be proof of failure, I’m thinking. Actually, even writing all this makes me feel like I’m compounding the negativity, but I need some solution to stop feeling this way.
June 26, 2018 at 12:54 pm #214315AnonymousGuestDear SraTB:
I would like to understand better, therefore I ask:
1. You asked if you can change your personality- can you elaborate on what you wish you could change about your personality?
2. You suggested that maybe the unfamiliarity of the outside world you are about to enter cause you to react differently- can you explain what you mean?
3. You mentioned karma and in your previous thread you mentioned the law of attraction. Do you believe in these two things, and if you do, what is it exactly that you believe regarding these two terms?
* I will be away from the computer shortly for about fifteen hours. If you choose to answer I will read and reply to you when I am back.
One more thing, I think it will help you with the anxiety, the restlessness if you take a long walk outside, do yoga perhaps, some other exercise, listen to your favorite music.. maybe a few of these things at different times of the day.
anita
June 26, 2018 at 8:50 pm #214335
ShuyingParticipantHey SraTB,
Thank you for sharing about yourself.
I’ve undergone similar experiences to what you described. Five years ago I left my full-time job in investment banking. This month I left my full-time job in public service.
Both times, I was at a loss as to what to do with myself after leaving my job, because my job had given me identity and structure in my life. I did not know who I was beyond my job.
Sounds to me from your post that you may be facing some self-doubt and fear of uncertainty. It’s kind of like jumping off a cliff, when we let go of what we have known, we have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen next.
The funny thing is, when we don’t know what’s going to happen next, our life becomes full of possibilities and potential. The known is like death, the unknown is where life happens.
Seems to be you’ll be entering a new phase of your life with more freedom and potential that before. That’s a great thing! But it also comes with a lot of fear.
When I left investment banking, I suddenly went from working 100 hours per week to having nothing to do. I used that time to fulfil a lifelong dream of mine to volunteer in Cambodia, and work with youths in Singapore. Having the space to make decisions about how to spend my time and energy allowed me to choose things that really mattered to me. That’s how I started my journey of becoming a life coach.
At this point, it’s really important for us to listen to our inner guidance and inner voice.
What is that voice telling you? What is it that you really want?
Maybe all you want is a break to heal yourself, to evaluate your life, to integrate lessons you’ve learned in your life. Maybe you need space to rest and forge a new path.
Or perhaps you’ve always had a passion you wanted to pursue and never did, and now’s your chance.
Perhaps the voice is urging you to discover who you are beyond living up to people’s expectations, beyond fulfilling your role at work. Who are you really?
The decision you’ve taken is courageous, and opens a door to many possibilities! May you enjoy your exploration and journey of self-discovery 🙂
Lots of love,
Shuying <3
liveorigo.comPS – one thing to note before you leave your job. do ensure to leave on good terms with everyone so as not to burn any bridges. Say and express what you want to so that you can complete each of your work relationships and move on =) Before I left, I wrote individualised note cards to each of the people at my work. they really appreciated it! 🙂
June 27, 2018 at 12:17 pm #214481SraTBParticipantHi Anita and Shuying, thanks for your replies.
Anita: By personality, I mean I wish I don’t find it so difficult to ask for introductions, cold-call someone and tell them I’m available to work, and such. Outside world: Now that I’m no longer in a familiar environment, would I still be the same inhibited, reluctant person or would I throw inhibition away and go about asking people for help, leads for work/projects, which I don’t usually do. I’m afraid of rejection because it makes me feel hopeless immediately. Karma, law of attraction: I can only say this much that I hope the LoA works. I try to keep a positive visualisation in mind ever since I began exploring it. Karma, well, I haven’t really read much about it, nothing serious or philosophical at any rate, but this point I mentioned above, in that context, it does seem reasonable if you equate karma with a pattern of behaviour.
Shuying: I wish I could be so optimistic. My inner voice, I really don’t know what it’s saying. It’s scolding me, telling me I’m giving up before I begin. I feel like I haven’t got too many lucky breaks and I could use some to feel I’m being looked after. I struggle for every little thing – what should I say, how should I counter this, how should I justify this – so much so that I feel I have neither intelligence nor judgment left.
What I really want – to never regret this decision I’ve taken. To find life full of things to do, and to be peaceful and content doing it, to not let life snub me. I left this job because it felt like it was taking over my life, and I didn’t even like it, and I just needed to escape. It was making me diffident about skills I was once confident of. I did not leave with any plan or bigger goal, except to relax and do things at my own pace, and the redundancy settlement is a silver lining of giving up the job I had. It is a modest amount but I am not unhappy. Now I am worried about taking it easy, wondering if I’ll count for anything professionally in the future. I am very clear that I don’t want to retire from work, just take it slower. Opt for part-time and projects rather than full time.
I am leaving the workplace on a good note. I will miss it, the ambience, the banter. Just not the work.
I do have farewell ideas 🙂
June 28, 2018 at 5:38 am #214549AnonymousGuestDear SraTB:
“Now that I’m no longer in a familiar environment, would I still be the same inhibited, reluctant person or would I throw inhibition away… I’m afraid of rejection”
My answer: now that you are no longer in a familiar environment, you are the same inhibited individual and you will not be able to “throw inhibition away” because as adults, it is not our environment that makes us who we are, but our brain. And you now have the same brain you had while you were at the job you left.
That fear of rejection is there, in your brain. There was a fear you had when at the job, this is why you “just needed to escape it”.
You escaped that danger of it taking over your life (“it felt like it was taking over my life”), but now you experience other dangers, one of which is rejection.
It may be a good idea for you to find part time employment, one where you will be more comfortable than you were at the old job, and pursue your writing ambitions while working part time.
anita
June 28, 2018 at 12:52 pm #214611SraTBParticipantYes, of course I intend finding part-time employment, all the anxiety is wondering how long it will take and how to go about it and what to do when I feel discouraged.
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