And there I was, motionless, breathing, staring into space, sitting on my couch at night.  The light was on.  The TV was off, and all I could hear was my breathing and the clock tick on the wall opposite me.  I live alone so there are no inturuptions.  The less I interact with others on my phone, the less it beeps at me.  I was all alone, and not just in my house, but in my thoughts, my feelings and in my heart as well.

How did I get here?  I’ve never felt like this before.  I’ve been in breakups before, but never – have I – been so shut out- like this.  She didn’t just leave me, she shut me out of any way to contact or see her again.  I not only felt like I lost her, but that our relationship was totally dead, and that I was dead to her, and to me it was like, like she had died too.   This was too much, not because it was just a breakup, but because the time in my life.  The failed marriage I was in.  The failed relationship with the “love of my life” afterwards, and now this, “the relationship that could have made up for all of it”.  I was dumbfounded.

All I would do is goto work in the morning, come home at night and just…….sit.

There was nothing I could.  I wrote her letters, I stalked her facebook with a fake account, I listened to tarot readings on my love life saying things that never came to pass.  I hoped time would heal all wounds.  I drove by her house a time or two.  None of this was bringing her back.  There was NOTHING…………I could do.

Each day I picked myself up a little more, just a tad.  I kept my workout schedule.  I kept talking to my therapist.  I kept writing.  I kept going to the library every Saturday Morning just to work on……… Me.   Just me.  Nothing else.  I picked up the remains of what she left behind.  I dusted it off.  I straightened it up.  I gave it value where she saw none.  I believed in what she had left behind.   She does not have the last word when it comes to……Me.

It took time.  Alot of time.

I am a artist.  Part of my recovery was to give my art a chance, to give it time and more attention.  Artwork does not always go the way you want.  There are times you bump up to your limitations, and you have to accept them.  One of the gems I found in all this is sometimes we can’t control everything.  Life sometimes is not about our grip on it.   Sometimes we have to Let-It-Go and embrace what we have around us.

Peace, out.