Dear Ex,
When we first met it was like someone had pulled me apart and put me back together painfully and everything hurt and I felt so grateful to have found someone who seem to be just right for me, I was in a lonely place and not looking but when you came along it was like all the colours were brighter and the world seemed more beautiful the more time we spent together . For the first time in my life I felt as if I was in love. You pushed all of the right buttons, you told me I was beautiful, you were the perfect gentleman, we went out , you were protective, you listened , showered me with flowers and gifts and when I was ready to be intimate you told me to wait . You seem to love me so much , I could not believe my luck! When you told me you were a recovering alcoholic I kissed you and thanked you for your honesty and said that it was fine , you said you were afraid to tell me but felt it was important to be honest. You called us twin souls, I didn’t even know what they were but it sounded good lol..
Six months later everything started to change, you questioned decisions I made, the same things you said you admired about me , you criticised, it hurt so much, I felt I needed to try harder and do better because I loved you so and wanted you to be happy . Many times I felt as if you purposely built me up to knock me down . Most of our arguments was about something I did or said , or something I didn’t do or something I didn’t say, I tried not to complain and when I did you came at me harder and I started questioning myself , was I all these things you said I was , was the way I saw things wrong , were you right ? Maybe you were because you were so intelligent and I wasn’t. You would recite quote after quote to prove to me that you knew what you were talking about and I listened , I believed that I should be the one in therapy because there must be something wrong with me . Your constant displeasure and your accusations of me hurting you or disappointing and making you angry was taking it’s toll on me and still I tried harder. I still had high hopes for our future, I wanted to get married and have kids, was I a fool ? Sometimes I also thought that maybe you were playing games with me and if you set a goal and I reached it you would change the rules of the game . Then it was as if you were jealous of me and wanted to make sure I knew that I wasn’t as good as I made out . You tried to pull me down to your level, when I lashed out or got mad and stood up for myself it was the self righteous behaviour that you exhibited that left me incredulous. You acted as if you didn’t know what I was talking about or why I was upset or angry.I would hope that next time things would be better , that we learned something valuable about each other and we could move on . I started to feels as if what I did wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t good enough. The peace never lasted long , you seem to thrive on chaos even though I tried not to say or do anything to disrupt the peace. I was fed up with the accusations from the conversations you seem to have in your head . I never looked forward to one of our ” communications” as they were more about condemnation, blame and instruction all dished out by you .
Dear ex, do you remember when you got angry with me and didn’t talk to me for a week ? That time ( out of too many to count of you not speaking to me ) when I had the miscarriage and still you refused to see me , Remember when I begged you to forgive me for whatever transgression I had committed towards you and to please come and see me and yet you ignored me, that hurt me the most but I forgave you.
Time would pass and you would be the sweetest most loving partner then you would be scary, Jekyll and Hyde and most days I never knew who you were, when things were good I was always so hopeful but I was always walking on egg shells wondering who I was going to wake up to next. As time has passed I have felt less and less like a partner and more like your punching bag, you seem to punish me for anything that went wrong in your life before me and whilst with me . If something went wrong in your business you belittled my success, if I went out with friends , there was something wrong with that too, it was like any happiness at all with or without you was forbidden and still I loved you . Or did I ? Was in love with the man that you are or the man that I thought you were when I first met you . Did I see you for who you really were or was I just imagining your potential? There are so many times you have hurt me that through the haze of pain it is difficult to remember the good times but I do . Like the time you sent me flowers when my cat died or booked us a lovely surprise holiday for Christmas. The many times we walked in the forest, just us or had a picnic on the beach in the summer . I loved the days spent browsing little antique shops or just sitting watching a movie and eating home made popcorn, it was on these day where I was most hopeful when your love for me felt real !
Dear ex, some days I miss the good side of you very much, the quarter that seem to love me and I feel disappointed in missing you but I am learning to be gentle and kinder to myself . Today I prayed for you and I prayed for myself and for our children. When thoughts of you come to mind,they still hurt but that’s ok, it’s getting easier . I wish you well and hope that one day you will find peace amongst your broken pieces. Thank you for the good.
Good bye for ever,
Blossom