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Letting Go

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  • January 22, 2017 at 1:22 am #125895
    Jackie
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I have wrote about this before. Apologies for the length!!

    I am basically trying to let go of a very difficult friendship that ended badly.

    I knew of him at school (but not to speak to), I started speaking to him when he added me on Facebook in 2010. I knew (through other people) that he was considered slightly weird/ bit of a loner etc. I had recently gone through a difficult break up with my first boyfriend and I think subconsciously I wanted to help him. We connected straight away and started speaking (fairly regularly).

    He had a girlfriend at the time so the boundaries were pretty solid. He was also very quiet so it wasn’t like we were getting overly involved with each other. I had just graduated from uni and was looking for work, so in my spare time we would go on photography trips etc. I felt I was helping him and enjoyed it. I guess you could say I was being a ‘saviour’ to him.

    Fast forward to late 2013 (before then, we were sort of in and out of each other’s lives), I had moved into a block of flats just up the road from my parents. He and his then girlfriend moved into the flats above me. Naturally we started getting closer again. Early 2014 I was out of work (due to low self esteem/ confidence issues), I honestly felt like he was the only one who understood me. We started spending a lot of time together, on trips out, in each other’s flats etc. I was aware things were probably getting a little too close (knowing of his issues etc.) but I enjoyed the attention.

    I knew I needed to back off, but I couldn’t seem to do it. I had very low self esteem and he was the only one who I felt really believed in me. It made me feel special. To make things worse, when I did eventually get a proper job, it was working nights at the weekends, so I literally had no time to see any of my other friends and all the time in the world in the week. I become stuck in a safety rut with a pretty negative person (this guy) and started feeling depressed. Whenever I would speak about breaking out and challenging myself etc. (e.g. volunteering with children) I felt he would mock me. I started to feel controlled and trapped.

    Christmas 2015 at my parents – my anxiety got so high, I couldn’t sleep. In my desperation I sent him a very long message saying I couldn’t be friends with him anymore because it had all gotten too close/ he was too negative/ I needed to be in a better place and I couldn’t do that whilst still being friends. He replied with anger and desperation and pleaded with me to stay. I started to feel guilty.

    I held my nerve pretty strong until I went back to the flats after Christmas and walked into pretty much constant pleading (on the stairs in the building, via messages, he even knocked on my door a couple of times etc.). I felt so guilty anyway, so caved in and we became friends again. However, I knew I didn’t really want this, resentment started to build and I explained to him in person that it wasn’t working. However, I simply wasn’t strong enough to uphold this and we became friends again! This cycle continued throughout 2015 and 2016 until I moved out the flats entirely, unfortunately back to my parents down the road!

    Since then there have been many messages – although I have recently found a way to block him entirely. However, I still have to walk past the flats every day and sometimes I do see him around the village. I instantly panic and feel so guilty. I saw him a couple of weeks ago (January 2017) and hugged him, which of course sent a green light to him and BOOM more messages (via email and voicemails – this was before I worked out how to block this). The final email I sent to him said please stop this, I am sorry but it’s just not working, please get yourself some help!

    To be honest I feel angry and guilty and to be honest a bit of a hypocrite, because I feel like although I am just trying to be nice, I am giving him the wrong impression every single time. E.g. some of the last emails I wrote said I was open to the possibility of being friends and then when I saw him in the street I hugged him?! I feel very torn, like I simultaneously love and hate him, all at the same time. I’m having such a hard time saying no and letting this go, even though I know that’s the right thing to do.

    Any advice would be so gratefully received.

    Thanks,

    Jackie

    January 22, 2017 at 6:10 pm #125924
    Celestial Bliss
    Participant

    Hi Jackie, My name is Natalie. I am a a Mindfulness Coach (amongst other things). Firstly, well done for having the courage to speak about your situation and for asking for guidance. It takes a lot of courage to speak out and seek help. I do agree with you that you are giving this person mixed messages. We tend to do this when we have feelings of guilt, pity or are reluctant to put up boundaries. We are afraid that our actions will hurt another person so give them the message that we feel that they want, regardless of our own feelings and wants. However, what we don’t realise is that it is only hurting both parties more and prolonging the pain. Your actions are coming from fear which is a negative place to be and will only result in more of the same emotions.

    No one wants to hurt someone that we love or care for on a deep level. But what we don’t realise is that sometimes, if we act against our emotions and feelings, our actions will only hurt them more, whilst being detrimental to ourselves and others around us. It turns into a downward spiral and leaves us feeling anxious, guilty and resentful because we are not being true to ourselves. I do believe the best thing here would be to totally step away. By going back to this person, you are only reaffirming to him that his actions and behaviour are a positive influence on your decision. The guilt and resentment that you are feeling is stemming from not listening to yourself and honouring what you feel would be best for you. You may also feel guilty because deep down in your heart you feel that you are not acting in his higher good. To let go of this situation and step back would greatly benefit both of you and your lives.

    You need to be totally honest with yourself about what you want here. Sometimes it helps to write this down as it has more confirmation and helps us really acknowledge what we are feeling. Write down:
    What outcome you truly want out of this situation?
    Why you want it?
    When you will achieve it?
    What will count to you as a successful outcome?
    What do you need to remember?
    Who will it benefit in the long run and why?

    Once you write this down. Make an intention to yourself to stick to it. Leave it up on your fridge or a place that you will see it every day. This will help you stay on track, remind you why you are doing it and reaffirm all the positive things (if followed) that the outcome will bring.

    There are ways that will help you let go of your attachments to this situation and help you work through your emotions and move forward. If you would like help with that, I will be happy to help you free of charge.
    Email me on trucolours@hotmail.co.uk OR
    Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TruHigherVibeLiving
    Instagram: Trucolours_on_insta

    I hope this helped in some way.

    Natalie

    January 23, 2017 at 2:13 pm #126002
    Jackie
    Participant

    Hi Natalie,

    Thank you for the advice.

    I think I feel guilty because I have been so used to helping him, being the saviour etc. That in itself is operating from a negative place. He had also helped me so I guess I also felt a sense of duty to him. In many ways, it has become codependent.

    I think I would be able to let this go if I was able to get his blessing (there have been a few times when I mistakingly thought he had let me go and I felt such a relief), but I realise this is not likely going to happen.

    I am also aware that I feel very submissive around him and torn between strong emotions of love and hate (due to feeling trapped). I have read a lot about codependency and how these behaviours can usually be traced back to our parents. I think I have learnt to be submissive through having a dad with a temper/ but who equally was my saviour (I often turned to my dad when I felt my mum didn’t love me). So I learnt that males hold the answer/ the love I seek, and that males are the ones in control.

    I feel sorry for this guy friend because I can see how similar we are (in terms of issues with our parents/ low self esteem etc.) Part of me wants to be his friend but I have blurred so many boundaries and I just don’t see a way back. I feel anger and resentment at him for not letting me go (and therefore making it worse). I feel anger and guilt at myself for not handling it better. I feel responsible for this.

    Thank you for the email address, I appreciate it.

    Jackie

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