I was with someone for 15-months.  We exchanged “I love you”s… started planning the rest of our lives together.  He wanted to know I loved him back and wanted to be with him “forever”.  The term “forever” always seemed ridiculous to me but I bought into it.  I have some “baggage” and challenges on my end, as does he.  But from day one I have been up-front and honest with what I come to the table with.  To provide someone the opportunity to opt out before we both get too far in.  But he said it didn’t bother him.  We identified as best friends and spent a lot of time together.  Looking back I can identify the unhealthy parts of it.  The parts I’m thankful to be away from now.  The regular drinking.  The regular drinking too much every weekend.  Losing my hobbies and identity to be part of his life.  However I didn’t see it at the time.  Not only did I not see it I was willing to continue as we were.  We were in love and fine.  Then one day, what seemed out of the blue, he decided he didn’t want to be together anymore.  That the things I brought to the table that he knew about this entire time was too much for him.  We tried for a week but he closed himself off and I couldn’t accept that.  And then we were done.  None of it made sense to me.  I think the most devastating part was the blindside and the lack of understanding any of it.  How can you say you’re in love with someone and beg them to be with you forever and the next day shut all that off.  Then you had to have been lying about the way you felt.  We tried to remain friends but it didn’t work.  It created 5 intense weeks of extreme anxiety for me.  I couldn’t eat, sleep or think about anything else other than trying to understand what happened.  How in a quick moment I love my best friend and my love.  I finally cut-off the “friend” contact and have been working on letting go and being ok with never understanding any of that.  That’s a daily mantra.  I’m working on getting over all of that every minute of every day.

My upcoming struggle is in that I’ll see him at an event next month.  Not just any event, its a hiking challenge.  5 summit hikes in one day.  Something I encouraged him and his friends to sign-up with me to do to provide us all a goal… something other than sitting around drinking.  Something that I have had to train for and that will mentally and physically exhaust me.  So knowing I’ll have to face this person who I’m not ready to see, the same day I’m going to also be challenging myself in other ways.  It makes me nervous.  I’m extremely scared.  How does one prepare for this or keep themselves ok to get through it all?  I’m unwilling to give up.  I’ll be there.  He’s unwilling to forgo this event as well.

If anyone has words of advise in letting go of a breakup you didn’t understand and finding peace.  And also preparing to see an ex during a large challenging event I could use it.  I need help.