Hello,

This is the first time I write on this forum. This is a long message, sorry for this, but I really wanted to share my thoughts today.

Years of struggles with anxiety and depression, moving between different towns and countries and finally breaking up with a boy who had been my boyfriend for several years have made me a loner. I have lost all but one of my friends. My relationship with my relatives has been damaged by the distance and the worries and arguments stemming from my issues.

In the last three months, I have been mostly alone and suffering from a deep, crushing feeling of loneliness. Initially I thought I was just sad about not having someone to share or go out with. But this was not enough to explain the suffering, the despair even, I was experiencing. After all, as an introvert I can do with minimum social interactions.

No, I realised that was making me suffer was the lack of someone else’s acknowledgement. I painfully realised I did not know who I really was. I was unable to know what I wanted or to take decisions for myself. For most of my life I have constantly been looking for other people’s approval. I was taking as mine the expectations, the fears, the choices of my family, my friends and even of people I didn’t really know or care about. And now that I am mostly alone, I am left facing myself and the emptiness left after years and years of slowly letting my own identity die.

This has caused me to make some mistakes. After breaking up with my boyfriend, I immediately jumped into another relationship that wouldn’t satisfy me. The guy wouldn’t love me or show any sign of genuine interest yet I was craving so much for his attention – and again his approval – that for months I stayed with him. And i kept idealising him and blaming myself for what wouldn’t work.

Until I realise this relationship was just going to hurt me more and more. I put an end to it. My first reaction was to reach out to the only few people I am still in touch with. To get comfort but also, as usual, to get advice. I wanted someone to confirm me I had taken the right decision or to tell me what to do. I got this text from my friend: “Just sign up on tinder and find some other guy to help you move on.” After years of acting like a chameleon, I am so used to trying to fulfil everyone’s expectations, to “fit in” and to do what most people do. So my first reaction was to take her idea has mine and to think “oh yeah, that definitely sounds like the most obvious thing to do!”. Until I felt deep down something was wrong. I heard that voice shouting “THIS ISN’T YOU!!”.

No, this isn’t me. No, I’m not looking for a hook-up just to have fun or help me moving on. No, I don’t feel like browsing an app, like I would browse a catalogue, to find a guy who’d be ok enough to make me forget my loneliness or sadness.
I am a sensitive, romantic person. An idealist. I am looking for deep relationships. For people with whom I can share my joys, sorrows and dreams. Maybe my idealism will lead to me to more disappointment or loneliness. But from now on, I have to respect myself and my deepest nature and desires. I should not fall for the temptation to act like anyone else. I should not adopt a lifestyle that does not satisfy me even if it is “trendy”. I am realising that this period of loneliness that I have loathed is actually my blessing. It is going to give me the space to find out who I am and what I want in life. To find and do the things I love. To build my identity back. To free myself from the fear of being disapproved or rejected. To finally give myself the right to be. To be with my qualities and flaws. With my successes and mistakes.

To be just me.

Have a beautiful day everyone 🙂
xxx

LittlePoppy