Dear River:

My answer:

Regarding #3: the frame of mind when dealing with people regarding truth vs. lie: get to know the motivation of the person lying, or suspected of lying. Usually the motivation is the same for a lot of the lies. If one’s motivation is to avoid conflict at the cost of the truth, that is, he or she will tell you anything they think you want to hear. You can expect therefore that whenever there may be conflict… there will be a lie.

If one’s motivation to lie is to get money out of you, then you can expect that whenever they talk about money, it may very well be a lie.

It will give you some clarity in the truth vs. lie salad out there when you learn the motivation behind a person’s lying.

When you talk to a person who has lied to you repeatedly, the frame of mind I do not suggest is to try to figure out what of what they say is a lie and what is true (No one lies all the time. So there will be truth there, in that salad). Avoid this mental unnecessary torture and don’t try to figure it out. Assume it is all a lie, see the person talk, don’t hear what they say, best you can, and in most circumstances.

Regarding #2 and #3: check to see if the person is aware that they are lying. Gently ask for clarification of inconsistencies, watch their response. In either case, tell the person what doesn’t make sense, what is incongruent in what they said. If they don’t provide you with a reasonable explanation, then tell them that what they said is not true. If this is ongoing… see them talk, don’t hear what they say, or better don’t spend much time, if any, with that person.

* comment: people are not computers and congruence can not be 100% accurate at all times:  memory is not perfect, feelings change, same word means something a bit different to different people, so allow reasonable incongruence in people’s verbal output.

anita

You are welcome, River. Anytime.

anita