Hi All,

Just struggling a little with this right now, looking for some comforting words and empathy as I know many of us have been where I am right now. Also wanted to share a little about my sweet Kitty who I lost a year ago tomorrow.

A few years ago I took in an old and grizzled kitty. He showed up at my apartment and had the tell tale clipped left ear to let me know he had been neutered and probably didn’t have a home, just a wandering community cat. I started feeding him and had a little insulated cat house where he would shelter from the rain and cold. I have a pretty high strung herding dog who has only ever shown (what I thought was) aggressive curiosity for cats – I have never let him get close enough to one to find out. I also have always had cat allergies and just generally never really was a “cat person” so as much as I found this old kitty to be sweet and endearing, I never saw it as a possibility to move him inside. One day I was taking my dog out for a walk and Kitty would not move away from my front door. I figured either Kitty or my dog would learn a lesson but either way, they would sort themselves out so outside I went with my dog and Kitty did not bolt away and Nugget did not eat him but instead Nugget started licking his ears, basically grooming him. 😂 I thought “this settles it, Kitty is moving in with us when we move out of the apartment and into our house in a couple months.” So sure enough, when I moved into my house that fall, Kitty moved in and was the PERFECT housemate.

Before I adopted him, I took him to the vet for a full check up and bloodwork. Was not surprising, but his blood tests came back positive for FIV and feline leukemia. The vet advised me that he would probably not live more than 1 or 2 years and that if I wasn’t going to keep him inside forever I should probably euthanize him. I would keep him inside forever, unless carried outside in my arms to sniff the breeze. <3 Because of his prognosis, I attempted to keep some emotional distance with him. I just wanted him to have a nice, comfortable and loving place to live out his life but I didn’t want to get too attached. Ha! This cat was the sweetest, funniest, gentlest and most grateful little guy it was impossible not to fall in love with him.

After having him for about 3 years, his symptoms were progressing but it was so gradual to me I didn’t seem to notice it much. I thought it might help to have his teeth cleaned because I knew he had infection in there and the vet agreed and proceeded with it after bloodwork came back that he was healthy enough for the procedure. Kitty never recovered from it. He wouldn’t eat or drink for several days and a year ago tomorrow I made the devastating decision to end his suffering. But I also made the decision to end whatever chance he had at recovery and more time at life. And I’m feeling pretty bad and responsible for this.  Everyone who knows the situation tells me that I did what I had to and that he wasn’t living a good life in the end but I can’t help but feeling like who am I/we to judge that? I guess my biggest regret is having the stupid teeth cleaning done in the first place. I think it was my last ditch effort to do something to hopefully make him feel better in the long run and it back fired. But I knew going in to that it could go either way, I just feel like a total jerk that I put him through that in the end. I’m also feeling bad because at the end, after he had gotten the sedative but before the final shot, they asked me if I wanted to hold him and I didn’t. He never did really like being held, but I know I was just putting up my own stupid walls and if I could go back and hold him one final time to send him lovingly on his way to whatever is next I would do it in a heartbeat.

Thanks for reading, folks. I think it has helped just writing this.