It’s so hard to act strong when I’m breaking down inside.

I have no idea at this point, I wish I could afford to move out because I’m sure deep down that’s what he’s wishing so he can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants and not have to be dealing with my depression right now but I literally have nowhere to go or the finances. I’ve been struggling to find a job and I should mention he hates his too and I’m probably not helping adding stress to his situation. Maybe I’ve completely failed at being there for him and I was too late when I started trying to be so now it goes unappreciated. I’m really at such a loss right now that I feel I have nothing left but my own courage to keep trying. You’re right in that this exact thing could’ve happened regardless of me loving him back or not in the beginning. Deep down in my heart I still believe true love exists. I think it has its challenges and moments where it feels like it’s fading but if it’s true I don’t think you ever lose that. I think that it’s rare for my generation to know that true love because they want instant gratification, they can go on social media any time and pull up a temporary fix. But when it comes to the best of love I think the point is to stick together and not let these things blind you from what really matters. I think he lost sight of that a while ago and he’s walking into the same phase I was in when I first met him, where he wants to experience and have fun and do what he wants but then you realize all of that is temporary and what are you left with? I can’t blame him because I was there at one point and it’s made me a very good woman now. However, I tried to stick by him romantically even when I didn’t feel the chemistry and that moment passed and the chemistry is back for me but he doesn’t even seem to believe in love altogether anymore and has no desire for something resembling a loving relationship so I don’t think he will stick it out at all. And that makes me question the entire thing, you see me at my worst and now you can’t stand by me? I guess you never really loved ME after all and seeing who he’s showing me, maybe I never saw the real him. Though he has changed drastically, he’s patient and caring and a good person but I think he stopped believing that about himself. He’s easily influenced I’ll put it that way, once he opens up to a woman his vulnerability is out the roof. As for me, I’m not sure where to go from here to be completely honest. I think I will try avoiding him as much as possible and find time to form other relationships and hope they actually like who I am but I find the thought of trusting anyone again very nerve-wrecking. This was the only person I’ve ever trusted not to fail me and he did. Today he said he will always be here for me until we die, but that’s what he said about being my soulmate and loving me so… how long will that stay true.. 🙁

You know what? I think I’m gonna be ok, one day at a time. This is kind of freeing in that my worst nightmare is real so it can’t get much worse and the one person whose validation I cared about doesn’t matter in that way anymore. I’m free