Hello,

I apologise in advance as this is a long read.

I am an 18 year old female and for 8 months I dated a 22 year old male. In the beginning when he courted me I sometimes cringed but grew to like him as we got along well and related to each other; it felt like I had finally met someone who understood me. (I went through a lot of struggles with friendships in high school which were often likely my fault as I had a very low self esteem but that’s another story) Before meeting this boyfriend I was somewhat infatuated with a man who did not have much interest in me other than to shag me, which I soon worked out and was very upset and disappointed (I realise in hindsight I was quite naive, but at the time I really believed this man to be different to others and I had such a wonderful idea in my head of who he could be). A few months into dating my boyfriend this other man texted me out of the blue, and I told my boyfriend straight away. I knew at the time I shouldn’t let the man get in my head as I was in a happy relationship. But a month or 2 goes by and he continued texting me about once a week and I always eagerly responded. During this time my boyfriend and I were going through troubles which heightened my interest in the other man. I repeatedly told the other man that I had a boyfriend but a couple times I would say something borderline flirty which I still feel disgusted by. My boyfriend and I continued to have struggles and I eventually asked the other man if he wanted to catch up. I told my boyfriend about this except I said that it was the man who asked me if I wanted to catch up, not the other way round. He was rightfully uncomfortable about it and suggested I block the man, which I did. A few months later and I was still somewhat unhappy in my relationship and feeling lost in life. (My boyfriend was going through personal struggles at the time too and I always tried to be there for him, but I too was struggling as I had recently moved to a new city and wasn’t sure if it was the right choice). It felt like I had lost feelings for my boyfriend; I rarely ever wanted to have sex with him and was often irritated and annoyed with him for no good reason. I began thinking about this other man again and I reached out to him and asked him if he ever liked me for more than just sex. He gave a bit of an unclear answer which I assumed was a polite no, and so I blocked him again and didn’t tell my boyfriend I did this. Problems in my relationship continued to stir and I had not seen my friends in a long time so I caught up with an old high school friend (a male who I used to have a huge crush on, but we were very close friends and he is assumably gay now) but I lied to my boyfriend, telling him I caught up with the male friend and another female one (as my boyfriend thoroughly disliked this male friend after a bad experience with him at my birthday party a few months prior). I felt horrible and a week later told my boyfriend the lies I told about the first man and hanging out with my male friend. I realised how selfishly horrible I’d been and I decided my boyfriend had the right to know; whether he’d break up with me or forgive me. We struggled for a few weeks, and although he forgave me he had a lot of trouble trusting me as I was reluctant to tell the whole truth straight away (I told him that I used to question my feelings for the first man and I told him I lied about hanging out with my high school friend, but I did not tell him that I also lied about being the one to ask the first man if he would like to catch up and also that I texted him months later). When I confessed the first half of my deceives, my boyfriend made me promise that was all I was hiding, which of course I was lying about when I promised, and a few days later told him the whole truth. (The whole process was terrible, I cried and cried and cried and he was quite miserable). A month after the initial confession we were still struggling but trying to make it work, I had been doing some hard thinking as I did not want to hurt him any longer, and I still felt very unsure of my feelings for him. So I decided I was still being unfair by staying and told him that he deserved better. He was heartbroken and so was I but I think part of him was relieved (I don’t blame him). We spoke a couple of times after this and the last time he was quite hostile and believed that I might have physically cheated on him too and was hiding it, which I hadn’t, but I still am not surprised that he did not trust what I told him.

It has been a couple months now, and I’ve only felt worse over time. I feel like a horrible human being and I really am struggling to forgive myself. I felt disgusting for having lied so much. A lot of the time I feel as though I will never deserve a good love. I really try not to beat myself up but I can’t help feeling like I don’t deserve myself sympathy. Please if anyone has been through something similar share your experiences, or any advice with moving past this at all. I am feeling like I will never be okay with myself again.

thank you.