Dear Laia:

Your partner is probably as distressed as you, so he did not explode “over nothing” like you wrote. So that is the key: you and your partner live under great stress, so instead of isolating from each other and turning against each other, be a good friend to each other. Unite, not divide. Go to him when you are both calm and talk to him, tell him how difficult the situation is for both of you and talk about how you two, as a team, as best friends, can make it better- nothing you two can do together is too small of a thing. Whatever you and he can do to help yourselves and your baby, is a plus, congratulate each other for any successful move, be it something with changing bed time, decreasing time spent with your parents, etc.

Small things, and then, later, work on bigger things.

anita

Dear Laia:

Your post is very sensible, makes it possible for me to understand more. It is wrong for your partner to behave aggressively (hurtful words for one) and passive-aggressively (not take your calls) toward you. It is wrong for him to explode with aggression of any type no matter how he feels. This behavior of his has to stop- and this is the first thing to do in your efforts to team up with him, to be a team and work together- establish some rules of interactions between the two of you. No raising voices/ screaming, no verbal abuse (or physical, of course), time out okay (as in “I need time alone”) but not the silence treatment for punishing purposes, and more. That is learning and practicing interpersonal skills between the two of you. EAR for one, stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect. If you could communicate with each other using these three.

It is almost like a war zone, the circumstances of your life right now- living with your parents who you and your partner would prefer not to live with, correct? And it is a war zone for you when your partner explodes at you, no wonder you feel like you are walking on egg shells, afraid of the next explosion.

For your well being, as well as the well being of your daughter, your environment right now needs to be safer for you than it is. I hope you make this point clear to your partner and that he will be motivated to do his part in making it safer for you and for his own daughter, by practicing EAR in his communications with you.

Establish the rules, work on EAR. Talk about it, observe the improvements, make suggestions for further improvements, notice regressions as part of progress, and keep going.

anita

* Dear redy: What do you think about what I wrote in the post before yours on this thread, about EAR and such. I went to counseling with my new husband at the time and it made ALL the difference in the world. The first thing the therapist worked with us on was Interpersonal Skills- there is a whole science to it, simple skills that CAN be LEARNED. EAR is one of those things he went over with us- this kind of work with a therapist is referred to as psychto-education, it is really teaching, not curing. To use these skills it takes learning and practicing again and again, nothing more complicated than that. I hope your boyfriend figures out that he doesn’t have to change dramatically or be analyzed or anything like that, just LEARN interpersonal skills, learning like any other thing that if learned will make his life so much easier!

Regarding you raising your voice and he told you it bothers him- I would never raise my voice again. If he learns that when he asserts himself with you, tell you he doesn’t like you raising your voice AND he learns that you listen to him and respond positively, then he will have hope in asserting himself.

It doesn’t matter that you feel attacked. If he approaches you with a weapon or otherwise about to hit you, then, yes, scream, you want someone to hear you and come to your rescue. Short of that, do not raise your voice at him. He told you it bothers him. If you continue, you are not better or healthier than him!

EAR= Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect.

Post more, if you like- I had the kind of therapy you are talking about and am willing to share more, especially since it is the same topic as the Original poster’s.

Dear Laia:

You wrote that you read in other threads that if you changed your reaction, he will learn to change (his behavior). It sometimes works like this, but not at all necessarily. Often enough it does not, unfortunately (Life would be much simpler if it was that simple). You made the evaluation that he has a lot of unprocessed anger that is always bubbling under the surface and he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

Trusting your evaluation, there is nothing you can do other than what you are doing: walking on eggshells, being very careful. That is no way to live, of course and the positive results are temporary at best- you may not step on one hidden bomb, but someone will soon enough, you or someone else. Himself, really.

I think that you need to get out of this situation sooner than later, as soon as possible! If you intend to live with your partner, then elsewhere, where the stresses are much lower for him and his bubbling anger is much calmer. Someone has to move out. If you cannot all move out, then he should move out alone. And soon!

anita