Dear Carrie:

I will retell your story, staying true to what you shared best I can, but present it in a different order:

Your grandmother called you many times, your entire life-  and talked poorly about her own daughter. You asked your grandmother to stop, but she didn’t. When in the presence of her daughter, your grandmother constantly argues with her daughter and puts her down.

Sometimes your grandmother guilted you into things, such as calling your mother when you didn’t want to. She  mentally drained you. No one in your family speaks to your grandmother.

Your mother called you many times as well,  your entire life- and talked poorly about her mother. You asked her to stop, but she didn’t. When in the presence of her mother, she argues with her mother and puts her down.

When you were a young child, your mother, a single mother,  isolated you from everyone else in the family. She made fun of you for “being too skinny or having buck teeth”. She compared you unfavorably to your sister. She tried to steal any spotlight that was on you. Later on, she guilted you into buying her gifts, cooking, cleaning and taking care of all her other needs.

When you were 23, you ran off and married a man in another state, so to escape your mother. The marriage didn’t work out and you were back in your mother’s home when you were 34. She guilted you into cooking and cleaning etc., and exhausted you so much, that you had nothing left for yourself.

Currently, at 37- you are living on your own, raising a three year old little girl. You tried your best to have a better relationship with your mother. At times it felt to you that she was trying to be there for you, but she always turned the attention back on herself. Sometimes your mother told you that she wanted to help you with your daughter, but when she visited you- visits in which you “pay for everything and do everything”- not only did she not help you with your daughter, she expected you to “still wait on her hand and foot”.  She even told your daughter “to go and get her things”.

Whenever you tried to address these behaviors with your mother, she made you “feel horrible probably just with a look and silence”. When you were recently upset with her, “she stopped responding and has not contacted (you) since”- that crushed you and you “refused to beg for her attention or reach out.. stopped responding”. You shut down your social media and walked away, “not playing her games”.

You feel stuck and alone, raising your daughter with no help from family, as a single mother.

My input today: currently, your mother and grandmother deserve each other. Neither one of them deserves you. Your grandmother has been part of your Problem; your mother has been part of your Problem, and neither has been or can be part of your Solution.

You shared that your mother and grandmother speak to each other, but no on in your family speaks to either one- I am glad that you joined the rest of your family in this regard, and hope you will have no further contact with either one.

Your grandmother mistreated and turned against her own daughter, and in turn, her daughter mistreated and turned against her own daughter.

“I don’t know how to start over and love myself, mother myself, be a good mother, build other relationships and stay positive”-

– how to be a good mother: end the tradition of mother-turning-against-daughter. Do not turn against your own daughter, not now, and not later, not ever. Do not betray this little girl’s trust in you.

– to start over make sure that you end what needs to end- your contact with these two women. It is very difficult to end a relationship with one’s mother, so you may need quality psychotherapy to help you with it.

– in regard to building other relationships- you mean with a new man in your life, perhaps.. friends, others?

anita

Dear Carrie:

You are very welcome.

“I have only ever considered possibly letting them back in if I became mentally strong enough to be immune to the toxic behavior”- from a very personal experience, there is no immunity of a daughter to her mother’s toxic behavior, not when that toxic/ abusive behavior occurred repeatedly, or on an ongoing basis, for years, during the time the daughter was a child, growing up.

My mother was toxic/ abusive, and her toxicity resided in my brain long after I ended all contact with her, over seven years ago. Before I ended contact- the sight of her face, the sound of her voice, the touch of her hand  distressed me so much, much of the time. After I ended contact with her, the memories of her face, of her voice were enough to distress me so/ to re-ignite that toxicity, so to speak. It takes a long healing process to remove that toxicity from one’s brain.

The healing process started for me in my first quality psychotherapy experience in 2011.

I want to reply further to your recent post but I need to be more focused to do so. I will therefore be back to you later, in a few hours. You are welcome to post more, anytime before I return. You and I can communicate here over time, be it weeks or months, if you want to- so there is no rush.

anita

Dear Carrie:

You are welcome, and thank you for expressing empathy for me.

“I am very very angry at what has been done to me that I cannot get back”- I understand your anger, it is a valid anger.

“I was never shown what it means to be a good mother”- you were shown how to be a bad mother: don’t repeat your mother’s ways, and you will be a way better mother for that.

“I mourn not being able to give her those relationships with family”- your daughter’s relationship with you is the most important relationship in her life, way more important than her relationships with family members who do not live with her.  Make your relationship with your daughter a healthy, loving one, and she will be more fortunate than most.

It was a good move on your part, to make it so that your daughter is closer to her father, because her father is stable and a good father (?).

Is there an outdoor meetup place in your area, such as a coffee place where people socially distance and socialize?

“I feel a very sick and twisted bond with my mother that makes me ill… I am mostly just very confused and looking for answers and I am mourning a relationship that never existed“-

-will you elaborate on the four items I italicized above? If you do, I will read and respond when I am back to the computer.

“if you want to share anything more about your story, please do”- I want your thread to be about you and your story, not about my story. But if you have specific questions for me, questions that may help you understand your own situation better, feel free to ask me.

I will be away from the computer and back in about 13 hours from now.

anita

Dear Carrie:

You are welcome. I will be able to read your recent post and reply tomorrow morning, in about 14 hours from now.

anita