First, I wanna day that my english is not too good so I hope yall could forgive me.

I’ve been going through hell and back these days. I live in a western country and my anxiety has reached a big level regarding the crisis of co-vid because we don’t have enough measures to minimize its impact so we really are in the hands of God.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months, we’ve been really loving and caring towards each other, we had this passion at the beginning of our relationship like no one had before, we were meeting almost every day until he got to change the city so he could work. I never had any problems with long distance relationship because I’ve had a few of them before and I rarely complained. 3 weeks past his departure, he finally comes back and we are to meet somewhere in order to catch up, we went on a date and I wasn’t really feeling it, but he looked nice and smelled fresh and couldn’t stop complaining about his work and just talking about stuff that really didn’t matter to me as much as I would have loved him to ask about me and how I’ve been feeling and living the past weeks. But he simply didn’t. He couldn’t stop talking about himself and I despised that, although somehow I tried to understand him and I was really fighting with myself in order to pick the right words and not be impulsive. Then we went to watch a game, everything was good until he asked me to go to his place, which means we got to have sex and then say goodbye to each other until the next holidays. I didn’t want to. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the best partner I’ve ever had when it comes to sex. I just didn’t feel like it, and the moment I said it his face turned blue, pale, he looked really angry and insisted on going and I kept saying no. So, at this moment, I knew he messed up, you can’t just be mad at someone for refusing to have sexual intercourse with you. That’s truly heartbreaking. He then wanted some space because he was feeling dizzy and unlikely himself, I’ve never seen him like that. Then he decided to get home because he wasn’t feeling well, I tried to confort him and he pushed me away and told me to leave him alone. At this moment, I knew he wasn’t the one for me. It’s like he slapped me or something, I was shocked and couldn’t keep thinking about it because it just made me think about all those times when my parents would get violent with me for things infants do sometimes. I couldn’t bear it. Afterwards, he didn’t talk to me for like a week or so and I ended up texting him because I needed closure, he was happy that I talked to him and told me that he couldn’t remember pushing me aside he was so angry, which is a red flag for me, he could get physical any day. Then we kept talking and I wasn’t feeling anything for him. At first I hated him then I stopped replying to him and he finally decided to ask me what’s going on and I told him everything. He said that he ” respects my perspective on this but he doesn’t considerate as violence and that he’s sorry”. I know something is wrong with this, either with me or with the whole relationship, one day I really wanna talk to him and I am feeling well until he makes some mistake, as small as it can be, my feelings just shut off and I can’t stand talking to him. I feel like I am going a bit lunatic. Has anyone ever experienced that? What would you advise me to do?

Please help. Thank you all so much